My blog makes everyone cry

Yesterday, Joe called me to tell me that he had just started reading my blog (in it's entirety) and his exact words were, "Yolie! don't EVER write a book. It will be depressing from the beginning to the end!". He also said, "Yolie! CJ is the second cutest baby in the world. Alyssa is the 1st!". We went on to agree that Alyssa could be the cutest girl and CJ the cutest boy. I was laughing as I tried to explain to him that my main audience was adoptive parents and that I felt a need to show them the reality of what their children are dealing with inside. I told him it was a good experience for them to read about to which he promptly responded "good experience for them, it sucked for us!". My whole point in reliving this conversation is that after I got off the phone, Lena, who has been staying with us for six months while Jesse (my brother) is on a deployment, went on to tell me that if she had only known me through my blog (and not on a daily basis for six months) she would think I was a very sad person. I have had others tell me that every time they read my blog they cry. Now I'm beginning to wonder what people think I'm like. Lena told me that sometimes she'll read by blog and when she sees me later that day she is expecting me to be tearful and down, instead I cut up with her and have fun with CJ all day. I guess I just want everyone out there to know that I consider this blog to be a good place to release my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. Very rarely do I walk around tearful and sad, I am by nature a pretty happy person. And I think I can be lots of fun to be around. That's one of the things about anyone who has been dealt hard blows...if you can come out of them with your sense of self and stability intact, then you have accomplished something. Yes, I do carry old hurts and yes my heart has scars over scars that are occasionally ripped off, but overall I try not to let that define who I am every day. It's interesting, because I've had my in-laws tell me before that they forget I had a bad childhood and that I'm adopted. I take that as a compliment because it makes me feel good that I do not wear my issues on my sleeve. I tend to choose very carefully who I let into that part of me (except of course on this blog, where anyone can read it), but in my personal life I do not express my deepest pain to just anybody. Most people I went to school with or just hung out with sometimes don't know about the neglect and abuse I suffered, in fact if they do find out they are often shocked. So, I guess I write all this out to say that I do not walk around sad and in deep thought all the time. I laugh, play, goof around, act serious when needed and think I'm overall a happy person. That doesn't mean I am not dealing with "adoption issues" or "bad childhood issues" it just means I'm bigger than them.

Feeling Heavy

(Click on the picture to see it much better. I couldn't figure out what was wrogn with it but it's such a cute picture).

Mom has been on me for a week now about updating my blog. To be honest, I've felt a little reluctant to blog this week, and I'm not really sure why. So much is going on my my family right now, it feels like we've been through more stuff in those two weeks than most families go through in a year. Maybe that's why I haven't felt like blogging. I just don't have anything positive to write. I tend to be a person who takes things in and dwells on them. It's one of my biggest faults, and yet it is also one of the reasons I think I care so much about people. I noticed today that for this last week I have been gloomy. Every day I'm either tired, not feeling well, or just plain down. I've blamed it on the weather, little sleep, my dinner not coming out good (my fried chicken lost it's crunchiness somehow) but today I realized that it's just my reaction to the past couple of weeks. Interestingly, I feel that I have not been there for my Mom as much as I usually am during tough times. While I tried to be there as much as possible when Sarah lost Bailey, I feel that since then I've been kind of "out of the loop." Some things I've learned about from reading Mom's blog. I am usually there for the "big" things, but somehow I''ve managed to not be there. I think I feel guilty, as I know Mom is going through a rough time with all the kids, but at the same time I think I'm just taking it all in and feeling "heavy" from it all. I don't like to see my Mom going through such a hard time with the kids. I also know that this time will pass, as acting out of this magnitude usually comes in cycles, and it was to be expected with all that has happened recently. Actually, just sitting here typing has brought to my attention that perhaps my gloominess is my acting out response to all the stuff going on. Hmmm...at least CJ is still the cutest baby in the world.

More stuff

It's been a week now since our family lost Bailey. Life, as it does, has continued with a vengeance. Mom blogged about Joey's incident at school and how it's unchartered territory for our family. As the old saying goes, "when it rains, it pours" around here. I still have no insight into Sarah and Preston's loss. I'm still as confused about it as I was a week ago. I look at Sarah and wonder how she's standing, breathing, functioning and then I remember that she IS a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Grandaughter, Aunt and Sister. Seeing Sarah through this has given me a whole new level of respect for her. Through her tears I have watched her pull out a genuine smile for Ray, continuing the legacy of good mothering she will leave with him. She is the type of mother I wished for when I was little. She has endured the worst, the loss of a child, and she will come out at the other end...I have no doubt she will.

As for the situation with Joey, Mom is in a tough spot. I TOTALLY agree with her philosophy of not bailing out her kids. Mom will sit through every band program, soccer match, football game and play we are in, that's her job. She will not bail us out of jail, because what does that teach us? So, where do my lines blur on this subject? Because I do still deal with "adoption issues" my first impulse when Mom and I discussed this was to "justify" Joey's acting out. No, not excuse it but explain it. Yes, he's a dumb teenager with no impulse control. Yes, we've been telling him for years what not to do in order to stay out of jail (literally, at Mom's house some conversations go like this, "If you do that out in the real world, you will end up in jail!"). But, for a "kid" like me the first reaction is "does she still love him (i.e. Me), even when he (i.e. Me) does something THIS bad? Remember how adopted kids think here, "Let's see if she REALLY means what she says about being my 'forever mom'...). What a pickle. So, my suggestion? Joey needs to learn that life choices always have consequences. He also needs to know that he is loved, and even just telling him that through a glass window and a telephone (even though it will make NO sense to him now) will make a difference. Just ask Joe...