My Mom recently had psychologicals done on several of my younger siblings. One thing that really stood out to her was the kids' intense fear of losing her (in a car accident, for example) and/or losing the family. Usually, the fear is that something terrible will happen to her and then the obvious fear is "what will happen to us?". I have had those same fears, so I knew exactly what she was talking about when she was talking to me about the psychs. Once I was adopted, and no longer had the fear of abuse and neglect, my thoughts immediately turned to when I would lose this family. You see, in my life, nothing was constant, nothing good ever stayed, and those things that looked good usually showed their ugly head as time went by. So, when I did let myself trust and love my Mom, it meant that I was opening myself up to a world of potential hurt and loss. I remember worrying about her. I worried that she would go to the grocery store and get in a wreck or that one day she would decide this was not the life she really wanted and that would be the end of it. I can relate to "irrational fears" of loss, as many psychologists put it, because to us it is not so irrational. Now, as I watch Tabby scream when Mom has to go somewhere without her (VERY RARELY, I might add), I understand. Her fear of losing Mom is so intense, yet she does not understand it nor know how to explain it to anybody. Her heart simply knows that loss is something she doesn't want to experience again. To many adoptive parents, the thought of a four year old acting like this is scary, but understandable. Transfer it to a twelve year old, a fifteen year old, even a twenty year old adopted child, and the understanding and empathy go out the window. Why can't they just act right? Well, much of that is just being a teenager (ugh!), but much of it is what I just explained. A four year old acts that way not remembering or understanding the losses she has endured (simply feeling them). Why then should a teenager, who remembers well each loss, who remembers well the absence of love and care, not be as much or more fearful of losing a good thing? Right now Mom has a couple of teenagers clinging for dear life to her and not wanting to grow up. Of course they don't want to grow up. That means you don't have a Mom anymore, right? At least that's how they think. At some point, they will have to make a choice within themselves to break off just a little bit, in order to become the adults they are intended to be. But they will, as I do, continue to need Mom, they will continue to fear losing her, because fear of loss is how we live. I find myself even now, as a Mother myself, constantly worrying about loss. I worry what would happen if something happened to me. I fear that CJ will have to know life without a Mom. These are terrible thoughts, and sometimes I have to stop myself and remember that God is in control and that I cannot control everything. This is just a glimpse into my inner thoughts. I was telling my Mom this morning that I still worry about her when she has to drive to Atlanta for something. I worry about what would happen to us all if something happened to her. Yes, I still have issues and sometimes I become that little girl again, full of anxiety and fear about losing everything I love so much. It's is not a paralyzing fear, as it often is right after foster care, I simply think about it more than the "average person." I know I am healthy, happy and I love my life, yet the damage done to me at a young age has consequences, and these feelings are some of them.
