Yolie's World

Disposable

2009-07-09T14:14:00.001-07:00

I do not speak for all adopted persons. There are so many different situations a child may go through that result in their being adopted into a family not biologically theirs. I say this to say that my feelings/emotions/world views are not necessarily those of all adopted children. Today I am writing about being disposable. I believe this to be a fundamental piece in the psyche of many adopted kids. It's the feeling that no matter how good it seems to be, how close you are to your new mother, how entrechened you seem to be, you are just a tree with very shallow roots. At any point, whether you are five, fifteen or twenty five, you could be disposed of. You see, I was "disposed" of as a young child. And if my big brown eyes begging for love and care weren't enough to warrant love and care, if they did not protect me from being disposed of, then nothing I posess now can save me from the eventuality of being tossed aside, deemed unessasary and perhaps maybe even a mistake.

These are the thoughts that subconsciously run through my head. I do not live my life according to them. I try to form very real, very deep relationships in spite of the fact that I am scared of the outcome. But still, the feelings and thoughts are there. How I wish with all my heart that they were not. How I wish that I had been born into the family I'm now a part of. I ask God "why not?" Why not save me the hellish years of my childhood if I was eventually going to be a part of this loving family?

Sometimes I think that when it's all said and done, I will have been a phase in my family's life. Something they did once, out of compassion. A temporary time in my mother's life. These are harsh things to say. Much harsher things to feel. I fight with these innermost thoughts, trying desperately to kill them and be "normal." Again, I say all this to help people understand. I feel both privelaged and mandated to write these words. As if so many children in the same situation have no voice, and I should speak up. I do not wish to be the face of adoption, the one that speaks for all of us. I only hope to reach a parent at their wits end trying to figure out their adopted child. Or a child wondering if they are crazy, or another adult adoptee, who perhaps has never been able to put to words the feelings we feel. I know we can be successful. We can love our children, be good parents and good spouses. We can love God and even love ourselves to the best of our ability. What we cannot do is pretend these feelings don't exist. That gives them power, for when we least expect it they will flood our head with negativity and power they do not deserve. My prayer is that as I so publicy speak these thoughts and feelings, I will continue to win my battle with them. I am taking their power away. It is not until you recognize a problem that you can begin to fix it. I am fixing myself. With God's help, I am going to beat these thoughts. I just know it.

Now I must go cook dinner for my husband and two kids (a great joy to me).

Deep Within

2009-06-15T05:29:00.000-07:00

I am hesitating in writing this blog entry, one because it is deeply personal and two because it forces me to look deep within myself, which can be a pretty scary thing for anybody. I choose to write it, and subsequently share it, in the hopes that adoptive parents reading it might get a glimpse into the innermost fears/thoughts of someone who has lost so much at such a tender, young age. So, here I go.

In the past few days I have been forced to delve deep into my own psyche, digging up some feelings that even I thought were healed or at the very least not so raw. What I have discovered is that I still have lots of emotional healing to pray for, lots of scars that need the touch of God and fears that I pray will go away. I am almost a thirty year old woman. I have two kids and a husband who is flat out incredible. I live down the same dirt road I grew up on (once I was adopted), with a dog I love and surrounded by family. I thought I had it all figured out. I teach prospective adoptive parent classes, for goodness sake. And yet, I still feel that it could all go away at any point. I still carry with me the fear that it's all a big mistake, I really didn't deserve all this. After all, if God wanted me to be loved, happy and successful, He would have birthed me into a family who would have loved me, made me happy and cared if I succeeded. Now, let me say that LOGICALLY I get it. Every part of my brain screams that I did not deserve what happened to me and that God placed me in an adoptive home where I was nurtured and loved. I can counsel kids feeling this way and tell them all the things they need to hear. I can recite the books for you. What I can't do is deny that the feelings still exist somewhere deep within me. Deep inside, I have found a feeling of not belonging. I realize that even though I trust my husband or mama or best friend I have always maintained a deep fear that they will leave me. Even more scary is that I realize that I have somewhat prepared myself for it. I have this theory that if or when it all comes to an end, at least I wasn't fooled. And while it will hurt, at least I knew it was coming and therefore I did not give myself completely over. You see, if I surrender totally to their love of me then when it's gone there will be nothing left of me. And I have lost it all before (bio family) and I can never let that happen again. While I cannot control what they do, I can control my heart and try to protect myself from the eventual pain. Now, before you all start sending me to the mental hospital, please understand that I do not go through life an emotional cripple. I love my kids with all my heart, I love my husband and mother with all my heart has to offer. These are feelings I am willing to bet all adopted children (and foster kids) have, even into adulthood. That is the only reason I am sharing them now. I want parents and professionals and even those in my shoes to get it. To see that the work must continue well into adulthood. At the same time, I think that perhaps i can give hope to someone out there. While I deal with these issues and seek God's healing, I am still the mother to my kids. I am still my husband's wife and my mother's daughter. I still teach the four year old class at church, still maintain my household and my professional work. I am still capable of love and attachment. I simply have a set of issues that I must work on. They do not control me and I am speaking them out of my life. It may take a while, but I will totally surrender to the people that love me. I am coming to realize that they may not leave me. And you know what, if they do, at least I will know that I loved with ALL my heart and gave them all I had. I do not want to live with regret, wondering if I could have given more. I will not let the actions of my birth mother interfere with or control my reactions to those who chose to love me even when they didn't have to. I am not saying this will be easy. I have been confronted with feelings I truly thought were gone. But I will win this war. I will continue to fight it until I am whole, because I am worth it. Because my children are worth it. Because my mother is worth it. Because my sweet husband is worth it.

Wow, it's been a year!

2009-06-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

My babies
Our new house
Me and Mae
My pretty baby girl, Mae
CJ's almost four now!

I can't believe it's been over a year since the last time I blogged. So much has changed in the past year. As I read the last post I put up, I was reminded of the feelings I felt leaving my old house and moving into my new one. Little did I know that the next year would bring even bigger and scarier changes. First off, we did finally get into our beautiful new home. Chuck did such a fantastic job of building the perfect home for us. We moved in in November and in January Chuck was laid off. It began one of the scariest times we've had as a young family. As of right now, we are still not totally stable, but God is good and He is our ultimate resource. Chuck is working hard to grow his own business and we have had a good amount of work come our way on that front. I am still home with the kids, something I am even more grateful for in the midst of this difficult time, although I have picked up some work that allows me to stay home. I'm now teaching the 4 year old class at church and am doing contract work for my old adoption agency (teaching pre-adoption trainings and such). It's actually nice to be back in the adoption world (as if I ever left).

I appreciate all the comments that were left on my last post. I seemed to have hit a pretty good topic, one that many adoptive parents seem to want to know more about. As I re-read it, it hit me that one year later I am a little more confident in who I am. I have maintained a slow and steady relationship with an older birth sister, where I am very careful with boundaries and with my own feelings. Since she still has a relationship with my birth mother (something I have no desire to do), I am reluctant to allow myself to get too close. It's sad, really. She is the one person who I know loved me when I was little. Her battle scars are much thicker than mine, as she is still a target for our birth mother and as she puts is "you (meaning me, yolie) were lucky, you got another mom...this one's the only one I got." I find myself not so angry at my birth mother anymore, just awed by the tragedy that she has created in so many people's lives. It's just not fair that so many people lost so much because of the choices of one person. Please, spare me the generational cycle lecture, believe me, I get that. But, studying that in a college course does not begin to touch the very real damage that a person can do. Someone has to make a choice to stop it. There are mothers who have been abused and neglected who choose to not repeat that cycle. You can't tell a child who's been through hell that her mama couldn't help it. Sorry, it just doesn't work for me. Wow, I guess I am still a little angry...

So, I'm not sure who I'm writing this blog for. I guess it's just the babblings of someone who thinks she's got something to say. It may or may not be helpful to anyone. I don't know...

I am going to try to start blogging again. If you have any questions or suggestions of topics you'd like me to blog about, please let me know. Not much is too personal, I'm pretty much an open book. I'd just really like to help people with questions about adoption. Good to be back...

It never goes away.

2008-03-01T06:52:00.000-08:00

CJ dancing
Too much lovin'
"We're not doing anything"

Too cute
So sweet
Pretty girl
Mommy's princess

The magic question in the minds of many adoptive parents is "will it ever go away, can I love the pain away and get my child to the point where they are no longer affected by the past?" The answer, a simple NO. Now, this is not to say that all is doomed. In fact, I believe that I have come to a point in my life where happiness abounds. I have a great husband, two amazing children that I get to stay home with, we are in the process of building our new home, and God is central in our lives. I feel so blessed and thankful. And yet, I have been dealing with some very difficult emotional things lately. I finally talked it out with my Mom and came to the realization that in the midst of all the amazing things going on in my life, they all still represent change and change is scary for all adopted children. Notice I say children here. Regardless of the fact that I am almost 28 years old, when it comes to change in my life, I see myself as that terrified child surrounded by police while my birth mom has overdosed and a social worker must take me into an emergency placement, AWAY from my brothers. I see myself as that scared little girl who is being forced to leave the only woman who had taken care of her and her brothers, because a stranger in another state wanted them. I become the eleven yeard old girl in a new state with a new mother and no idea how long this would last. I revert back to that little girl so fast it could make your head spin. Now, theoretically I know that I am not that little girl. I know that I can and will handle change with strengh and support from many. The thing that bothers me is that even when it is a good change, like building our new home on our land, the very thought of being "rootless" for even a minute sends me into weirded out mode. I'm not talking about losing it here, just memories coming back, a little touch of sadness here and there and an overall sense of loss that I seem to be stuck in right now. I am so happy about our new house and the exciting things going on with us right now. At the same time, I find myself holding my ten month old daughter and feeling an sense of sadness, knowing that I was once that little and helpless , and had no mother to hold me or comfort me. I think that the fact that my daughter looks at me with MY eyes (people say she's my twin) makes it all the more real to me. I was telling my Mom that that little girl feels like a lifetime ago, and yet she can come back to me at any time, with vivid memories of abuse and neglect that can rip off my once healing scabs. So, no it never goes away. Some of us adopted kids can and do live with it all tucked away and lead very successful, happy lives. Others, unfortunately cannot move past it. I do not have an answer for who makes it and who doesn't. I do know that in both categories live adults who, with a smell or touch or familiar song, can revert back to scared kids in need of someone to tell them it will all be alright.

Happy Birthday, Mama!

2007-07-23T07:12:00.001-07:00

CJ!!

Baby Cindy Mae
Mr. Incredible
CW & Cindy Mae

Aunt Marcela and Little Cindy
Too cute...

Since my Mom prefers (demands) that her children ignore her birthday and not buy her any presents or make a big deal of it, I have been stumped as to what to do for her. Truly, it seems wrong not to shout to the world that the best Mother in the world was born yesterday, some 53 years ago. I've pretty much bucked her on her "no presents, etc" deal every year, except this one. The truth is that with two young kids I couldn't have run out and bought her a gift if I wanted to. So, what do you do for someone who saved your life? She adopted me when I was eleven, along with my two younger brothers. She took me out of foster care and gave me the life I needed. Because of her choice to follow God's will for her life, I was brought from Texas to Georgia where my whole life changed. I would not have met my husband, therefore I would not have had my two amazing kids. Again, how do you thank someone enough for that? I guess you can't. I can think of nothing that would repay her for the sacrifice she made to be my Mom. As I type, I am amazed at how similar a Mother's love and God's love are. Although they give their all, there is no way to repay them, only loving them and trying to make them proud can show them a glimmer of the immense gratefulness I have. So, Mama, please know that I love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday (yesterday) and my prayer is that you will one day understand the deep and everlasting love I will always have for you.

2007-07-10T07:22:00.000-07:00

Cindy Mae

CJ and Cousin Alyssa enjoying some time in the baby pool

"This is MY cake, thank you very much!"

CJ & Cindy Mae's Mama
Pretty Alyssa

CJ and Daddy
Daddy's so cool...

too cute

Cindy Mae getting ready for church

As I have uploaded these pictures CJ has put some of my eyeliner on, accidentally/on purpose spilled water in the bedroom (he likes to yell "Look Mommy, MESS!"), proceeded to sit right in the middle of the water puddle and totally ruined my chapstick. This is why I only upload pictures and have not had time to actually write anything interesting in such a long time...maybe someday. (Sweet Cindy Mae is sleeping soundly in her swing).

New Pictures

2007-05-31T08:32:00.000-07:00

What you looking at???

CJ kissing his baby sister

Cynthia Mae at the hospital

CJ - I can't get over how much Cindy Mae looks like CJ when he was little
CJ on Memorial Day

Cynthia Mae

Miraculously, both CJ and Cindy Mae are asleep right now, so I wanted to take a minute to share some photos and say how absolutely blessed I am to have two beautiful, healthy kids. Motherhood has fulfilled me to the max and I thank God for my babies! Right now, I have very little time to do anything other than change diapers, nurse and hold my kids, and to tell you the truth, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing.

The Parentified Child

2007-01-18T06:55:00.000-08:00

I have always been the "parentified child." It seems odd to me that so many people (professionals, parents. etc.) view this as a negative attribute that needs to be broken, rather than a positive trait that can be a helpful tool when adopting a sibling group. Many times, the oldest child is removed from the sibling group because they are parentified and thus will interfere with the adoption process. I thank God that this was not the case in with me. Yes, it was difficult for my new adoptive Mother to deal with my constant "interfering" as she tried to establish herself as the mom with love, discipline and commitment. Yes, I took it personally every time she comforted one of my younger brothers, tied their shoes or put them in time-out. Who did she think she was? I was the only one who had ever taken care of them, and I was the only one who had EARNED the right to have their trust...and here she was trying to take that from me. In reality, though, I had no idea what a great Mother she would turn out to be. Instead of seeing me as a threat, she chose to accept my position in my brothers' lives and to use it to her advantage. She knew that if she could earn my trust then she had my brothers' trust in the bag. How smart is she! So many adoptive parents do the opposite, feeling threatened by the parentified child's position as "caretaker," choosing instead to focus on breaking that and establishing their position. This is a mistake. You see, as time went by and I began to notice that my new Mom meant what she said and that she could be trusted, I slowly began to allow her in, which meant that I also began to view her as the caretaker and to let go (little by little) of my sole desire to be the caretaker. My mom realized early on that I had a wealth of information about my brothers, after all I was the only one around who was there when they were born, who held the keys to their years before adoption. Why not view that as an asset and choose to honor that position? I am so thankful my Mom did.

Now, as an adult, I have never let go of my "parentified" personality. My mother and I joke that we co-parented them, both attending all their sports activities, being there for the good times and the bad, loving them through every minute of their lives so far. And what could be wrong with that? How can a child have too much love? Both my brothers know that in any bind, they have at least two people who will never abandon them. I am forever grateful to my Mom that she chose to honor my position in my brothers' hearts and in return, she earned a place right there beside me, which is a huge accomplishment in an adopted child's eyes.

I say all this to now explain how difficult yesterday was. My baby brother left for Basic Training. I cannot put into words how much I love Daniel. He and Joe were my entire world for so long. They kept me going when we were left alone in dirty apartments without any food and when we were in foster care and even now as a mom the love I feel for them is inexplicable. So, at 26 years old, I felt empty nest. My heart literally hurt as I watched him drive away, knowing that since the day he was born all I've wanted for him was success, and here he was growing up on me. I am so proud of Daniel. He chose to serve his country and he'll come back in 20 weeks to finish up his college education and then who knows. Life holds so much potential for him and my heart bursts with pride, but inside I remember that little boy looking at me to tell him everything would be okay. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at him and not see my baby brother.

It's A Girl!

2006-12-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

We found out this morning we are expecting a baby GIRL in May. We are really excited! CJ is not sure about it, as he hollered "NOOOO!!" when we found out. I'm sure he'll love her to death, though! One of each....how fun!

Some more pictures

2006-12-27T19:52:00.000-08:00

My darling hubby had my college degrees framed as my Christmas gift.
CJ enjoying his Elmo chair CJ being way too cute during his bathtime!

Picture Time

2006-12-17T10:33:00.000-08:00

CJ helping Daddy wrap Mommy's present
CJ admiring the Christmas tree (notice no ornaments on the bottom three feet)
Is he a Bubba or what?
Showing off his Elmo shoes
CJ and Mommy at the Botanical Gardens
Gotta LOVE the afro!
CJ and Daddy looking like twins
I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!!

Tiny, Broken Spirits

2006-12-14T07:01:00.000-08:00

Over the past week I have been getting very emotional thinking about the hard life of thousands (if not millions) of kids CJ's age not getting what they need out of their parents. Every morning, CJ wakes up smiling and asking for "sheewal" or "nana" (cereal or banana)and he knows without a doubt that Mommy or Daddy will get it for him, along with some milk. He plays happily all day long, not a care in the world, except for when his Barney show is over and he gets upset about having to say "bye, bye Barney". His eyes are bright and he has no anxiety about what's next. If only every child, everywhere could have the same security. I was talking to Chuck and my Mom about this, in tears, telling them both how sad I felt for those tiny spirits out there, waking up hungry and not getting anything because Mommy is passed out drunk or locked in her room with some boyfriend. Even worse, when Mommy does get up, she has no concern for the hunger her toddler is feeling, instead she curses at him to stop crying as it will interrupt the boyfriend who might then leave her for having such a "bratty" baby. These tiny spirits are broken every day. I think about CJ being treated like this and it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I look at him and think he would just curl up and die if nobody responded to him, loved him or even bothered to feed him or change his dirty diaper. These scenarios are not out of the ordinary...they happened to me and that still happen to too many children on a daily basis. And then, if and only if they survive those young years, they grow up and nothing seems to get better. Life is an endless battle against perpetrators, abusers, liars and every other kind of scum out there. This is the life out of which most adopted children come. It is not a fantasy world, these things and much worse happen. I look into CJ's eyes and I see so much hope for his future, they are bright and full of life. I wonder what my eyes must have looked like at eighteen months. Certainly not bright, most likely full of fear and insecurity, and I was not even two years old. I can't remember how many times I cried myself to sleep before I turned ten years old. That is not a memory any child should have. And we wonder how or why so many adopted children simply can't get it together. It takes so much to mend a broken spirit...many adults cannot do it after a single tragedy, yet children's entire life, starting in the womb, are one, long, tragic trainwreck in which they have no control and we expect them to get it together. How does one regain those lost hugs, kisses, mealtimes, band aids, praises, winks? We cannot, and yet we must keep moving forward, providing for our children what was beaten out of us at such tender and young ages. It is horrifying to think of CJ having to endure one day of my childhood, and so my life is dedicated to making sure he never will. I wish others who also walked in my footsteps so early on would all do the same, and we could stop the generational mistreatment of innocent, tiny spirits.

Childhood shouldn't hurt

2006-12-01T07:27:00.000-08:00

"Childhood shouldn't hurt." This morning I heard a CASA worker on television say these words and they have been stuck in my head all morning. My Mom has had the opportunity to host another big family for a couple of days, and although I live it every day, seeing another family built from the ruins others have left has really touched me. I have watched in amazement as children who truly had no other option have shown tremendous ability in difficult musical arenas as well as in monumental feats like walking and talking. Because their parents chose to make a difference and follow God's plan for their lives, they have impacted these medically fragile children in ways they will never know. It reminds me just how blessed I am. It reminds me to keep close to my heart the great miracle God worked in my life when He chose my family for me. It reminds me that no matter what, with God and family by your side, nothing is impossible. Because people like my Mom and the couple she is hosting choose to parent us, we can overcome obstacles once thought impossible. Because of people like them, childhood no longer hurts.

I was talking to my loving husband about all this over dinner the other night, trying to explain to him how touched I was by the amount of love I felt at my Mom's house. I was talking to him about the six month old baby boy with no arms that the family had come to adopt and how absolutely beautiful he was and how I didn't understand how people could not want to parent the children God gave them. He reminded me that as cute and sweet as this baby was, I must have been too. He had me look at CJ and told me that there was no way I wasn't the cutest baby in the world, with big, dark eyes just like CJ. We then talked about how it wasn't about being cute enough and therefore worthy of love. It was about the birth parent. It was their issue, their loss and God had a bigger, better plan for me. Yes, I was born to someone different, but she was not my Mother. She carried me for someone else...period. She made childhood hurt, but my Mama came when I was eleven and stopped the bleeding and started me on the healing process. For that, I am eternally grateful. I am so blessed.

2006-10-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

The past couple of weeks have been like a whirlwind around here. Last week, as most of you know, my mom had surgery which kept her in the hospital for seven days. Yes, seven days without Big Mama...it was so hard. Chuck and I volunteered to take in Gito, Joey and Jose while Mom was in the hospital so that they would not be disruptive at Mom's house. It was by far one of the most trying weeks of my life. On top of the great pregnancy woes of morning sickness and fatigue, my fifteen month old CJ, and my husband who was on "vacation," Joey, Gito and Jose took everything out of me. The constant rude remarks, re-direction and supervision was very tiring. Having three cop cars in my front yard in the morning to deal with an EIGHTEEN year old who shouldn't need babysitting about put me over the edge. I love my siblings, all of them, but these three really tested me last week, not to mention my sweet husband. I know Chuck loves my family, and when we were discussing who to babysit while Mom was out of commission, he did not hesitate about taking the three top offenders into our home. He willingly gave up a weeklong vacation in Destin, Florida so that we could do what needed to be done for my family. Amazingly, after a week with these three, police activity, totally rude behavior toward him and two migraines (which he has never had), he still says he'd do it again. That is why I love him so much. Even though he was shocked by the way three kids talked to him (remember, he was raised in a military family), he never raised his voice or showed any signs of losing it with them. After Joey had threatened to hurt him and ran away, he lovingly went outside when Joey re-appeared and put his arm around him to talk him down before the police cars arrived at our house. He attempted to talk to Gito as he drive him to school in the morning, although all he got was a cold shoulder and an attitude whenever he asked him a question. Through all that, he still told me he thought all three of these boys would be alright in the end, they just had some major growing up to do. I'm glad he can see it, because after last week I had my doubts. Of course, if the need arose, I'd do it again, too. My family needed me and that's what family does...even if it does mean lowering the property value in our neighborhood by inviting the sheriff's department for a mid-morning party. As my old boss and dear family friend Emily said, "welcome to the world of special needs adoption."

Yesterday's Good News

2006-10-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of the hardest and scariest days of my life, and that's saying alot with the kind of childhood I had. As Mom has already blogged, she had an appointment yesterday to get the results of her CAT scan, an appointment that had us all pretty much paralyzed (and of course, it wasn't until after five o'clock, which made the day that much more agonizing). PRAISE GOD, she got great news and our worst fears were not realized. Although she will have surgery at the end of the week, the relief of knowing that she is not afflicted with something life-threatening brought me to tears late last night. I woke up, or rather CJ woke me up, at 4 am, and even after tussling with him to get him back to sleep I could not close my eyes for all of the emotions running through me. The last week has pretty much been one of my worst nightmares. The thought of my mother not being well only contributed to my constant feeling of wanting to throw up (I'm battling terrible morning (all day) sickness). All of my fears, which I try to keep hidden and deep, came rushing to the front of my head and I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do to fix it, which is what I automatically try to do in any situation. There was nothing but paralyzing fear. I know that it must be every child's worst fear to lose a parent, and with my background the fear is magnified from already having lost so much. I went straight back to being eleven years old. All the irrational fears of being abandoned and left to fend for myself surfaced. Deep down I knew that if we got bad news, I would buckle down and take care of all of the responsibilities that would come, but that did not mean that I was not terrified. Even more than myself, I worried about all my younger siblings. They simply would not understand if something happened to Mom. She's supposed to be there, that's what she promised us when she adopted us. In the eyes of an adopted child who has lost so much already, it is seen as just another promise broken. This is a tough standard to hold a Mother to, and yet it's what Mom has to deal with. When she is not 100% the kids tend to resent it, acting out and usually adding ten tons to the stress she is already feeling. It's unfair and I wish I could make them stop, but I can't. Some small part of me still understands how they feel, the only difference is that I can step back and see that I will survive, and the younger kids only see the end of the fairy tale. So, again, I am so thankful to God for providing out family with such a positive outcome. The next few weeks will be tough on our family, but if there is one thing Mama has taught us, it's that family will get you through. I am so thankful for my family.

Baby Number Two!

2006-09-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

Can you see it???
Chuck, CJ and I are very happy to let everyone know that we are expecting another baby! I can't wait to see CJ be a big brother! I will keep everyone posted as the months go by.

Hilton Head Pictures

2006-09-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

CJ and Daddy
What you looking at, Mama?
Getting in too deep
Trying to look tough
CJ and Mommy
The next Tiger Woods?
Maybe not...
So cute.
CJ and RayRay wrestling with Nando at Abuelita's house

Picture Time

2006-08-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

I looked just like this years ago in my Medicaid glasses (before they gave kids decent choices!).
CJ thought he wanted to help Mommy clean, then he decided Mommy did a bettr job.

Being CJ's Mom

2006-08-14T06:44:00.001-07:00

CJ at 15 minutes old...love of my life!
This weekend I became aggravated at constantly being put in a position where I either have to defend my parenting or just ignore snide comments being made. I simply don't understand the crazy world we live in, where I am judged or laughed at for still nursing my thirteen month old son, where it's not good parenting when my son has separation anxiety when left in a church nursery with people he does not know. My Mom and I were discussing it this morning, and we came to the conclusion that people just don't seem to make children a priority nowadays. Call me old fashioned, call me boring, call me overbearing, I simply don't care. My priority is my family. When I was pregnant with CJ I remember people "giving me advice" about fitting CJ into MY schedule. I was "advised" by some that life doesn't have to end when you have a kid, and to make sure I taught him that the world does not revolve around him. Now, these people were well-meaning, I'm sure. I simply disagree with them. I did not have a child so that I could "fit him in." He did not ask to be born, and I believe I should focus on being his Mother. Why is it that in a nursery full of babies, the child who sits in a swing for three hours (Sunday school and church service), never making a sound and never demanding anything is looked at as the best baby in the nursery, while my son, who has very appropriate separation anxiety and who (heaven forbid) gets upset and needs to nurse is snickered at and thought to be spoiled? If meeting my son's needs and giving him extra love and attention is spoiling, then oh well. I find it offensive when people feel the need to make comments about him being "spoiled," as if I am doing something wrong by being a stay-at-home Mom who just happens to agree with scientific data showing that nursing your child is the healthiest and most appropriate way to nourish him.
Yes, my son may cry when left with a stranger, but he knows there are fifty or so people in his family who can take care of him, so he is very well socialized. He is also giving, sharing and loving. He plays well with all of his cousins and he is already sensitive to other people's feelings. Just this past week, as his beloved Aunt Sarah was going through a very sad time, he hardly left her side as he constantly was hugging on her and cuddling with her. Now, CJ is not one to cuddle when given the choice of that or playing with Tabby, Nando and RayRay, but as I said, he is already a sweetheart. So, if the proof is in the pudding, then why don't others just zip up and let me mother the way my heart tells me to. Or as my Mom always says, "if you can't say something nice, be quiet!".

Fearing Loss

2006-08-08T04:48:00.000-07:00

My Mom recently had psychologicals done on several of my younger siblings. One thing that really stood out to her was the kids' intense fear of losing her (in a car accident, for example) and/or losing the family. Usually, the fear is that something terrible will happen to her and then the obvious fear is "what will happen to us?". I have had those same fears, so I knew exactly what she was talking about when she was talking to me about the psychs. Once I was adopted, and no longer had the fear of abuse and neglect, my thoughts immediately turned to when I would lose this family. You see, in my life, nothing was constant, nothing good ever stayed, and those things that looked good usually showed their ugly head as time went by. So, when I did let myself trust and love my Mom, it meant that I was opening myself up to a world of potential hurt and loss. I remember worrying about her. I worried that she would go to the grocery store and get in a wreck or that one day she would decide this was not the life she really wanted and that would be the end of it. I can relate to "irrational fears" of loss, as many psychologists put it, because to us it is not so irrational. Now, as I watch Tabby scream when Mom has to go somewhere without her (VERY RARELY, I might add), I understand. Her fear of losing Mom is so intense, yet she does not understand it nor know how to explain it to anybody. Her heart simply knows that loss is something she doesn't want to experience again. To many adoptive parents, the thought of a four year old acting like this is scary, but understandable. Transfer it to a twelve year old, a fifteen year old, even a twenty year old adopted child, and the understanding and empathy go out the window. Why can't they just act right? Well, much of that is just being a teenager (ugh!), but much of it is what I just explained. A four year old acts that way not remembering or understanding the losses she has endured (simply feeling them). Why then should a teenager, who remembers well each loss, who remembers well the absence of love and care, not be as much or more fearful of losing a good thing? Right now Mom has a couple of teenagers clinging for dear life to her and not wanting to grow up. Of course they don't want to grow up. That means you don't have a Mom anymore, right? At least that's how they think. At some point, they will have to make a choice within themselves to break off just a little bit, in order to become the adults they are intended to be. But they will, as I do, continue to need Mom, they will continue to fear losing her, because fear of loss is how we live. I find myself even now, as a Mother myself, constantly worrying about loss. I worry what would happen if something happened to me. I fear that CJ will have to know life without a Mom. These are terrible thoughts, and sometimes I have to stop myself and remember that God is in control and that I cannot control everything. This is just a glimpse into my inner thoughts. I was telling my Mom this morning that I still worry about her when she has to drive to Atlanta for something. I worry about what would happen to us all if something happened to her. Yes, I still have issues and sometimes I become that little girl again, full of anxiety and fear about losing everything I love so much. It's is not a paralyzing fear, as it often is right after foster care, I simply think about it more than the "average person." I know I am healthy, happy and I love my life, yet the damage done to me at a young age has consequences, and these feelings are some of them.

New Readers?

2006-08-06T18:37:00.000-07:00

My Champ, CJ
So I just talked to Mom and she told me that Claudia had mentioned my blog on a radio show she was interviewed for, which caused me to immediately run to the computer and begin a new post since I have not posted in some time. Mostly, I have been busy enjoying every second of my time as CJ's Mom. I can't believe he's thirteen months...it's flown by faster than I would have liked, but I am loving it all the same. Just in case anybody new is reading (what with Claudia making me famous and all), I thought I'd review my life very quickly so that people could catch up. Here goes...
The first eleven years of my life were spent either in a neglectful, abusive home or in foster care. At the age of eleven, along with my two brothers, I was adopted by the only woman in my life who has ever earned the right to be called Mom by me. We moved from Texas to Georgia (man was that an interesting trip) and have been here ever since. I am now a stay-at-home mother to the most precious child on God's green earth (in my humble opinion) and am very proud to have stopped the cycle of poverty, drug abuse, child abuse and neglect that was handed down to me by my birth family. There's a whole lot more to me, but in a nutshell that's my life right now. I am 26 years old, have a Masters Degree in Social Work and have chosen the best thing I can do for society right now is to be a good mother. I am passionate about sibling groups being adopted together, after all that is how they survived the hellish situations they were in before they came to the adopted home, how can anyone deprive them (and by them I mean me) of the right to maintain the only bonds that they've had since birth? Anyway, I can go on and on about that (and will in posts to come), but for now that is enough. I hope to update much more frequently now and my biggest hope for my blog is that I can help at least one person understand what it's like to be a child coming out of foster care, scared to death and full of rejection. I am very opinionated, sometimes overly emotional about the subjects I discuss, but most importantly, I have a story to tell. I am the child who was abused and neglected, I am the child who was in foster care, I am the child who was adopted, I am a social worker, I am a Mother, a Wife, a Daughter, a Sister, and an Aunt and I am proud to be all those things.

More pictures

2006-07-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

Aunt Miriam, Aunt Dawn (and her friend), Uncle Daniel (CW and Nando in the background)
My buddy Audrey, working as usual
Sweet smile
Way too much party!!
I AM NOT SLEEPY!!
Opening gifts
Carolina and Jose
CJ with his Nana and Papa
Grandpa, Uncle Sergi and Uncle Preston
Aunt Teresa, Aunt Mayra and Aunt Sabrina

Long Overdue Pictures

2006-07-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

Playing in the fountain
RayRay!
That's just wrong, considering RayRay was waiting to polish off what CJ had left
Aren't we cute?
The Presentation
I had to get a piece of the action
Looks like fun!
Chaos
CJ with his Uncle Jesse

Happy Birthday, CJ

2006-07-01T04:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was CJ's official birthday, today we will celebrate with a big bang! I spent most of the day yesterday getting ready for his party, but throughout the day I thanked God for the precious gift He gave to Chuck and I. I love CJ so much. I look at him and see God's goodness and promises in action. It's hard for me to complain about my past when I am holding him because I am so blessed to have him. My heart literally feels like it's going to explode with love when I look at him. He makes me smile all day long. My prayer is that he will grow up knowing how loved he is, and that he will decide early on to walk in God's love. He already has such a big personality, I can't wait to see what the years will bring. Nothing is more important to me right now that my family. I am so thankful that the burden of generational abuse and neglect has stopped with me and that I will never carry the guilt of not protecting CJ. I look at him and can't understand how one can choose to hurt a child. He is innocent, precious and perfect to me. I just love him so much.

Father's Day

2006-06-19T05:32:00.000-07:00

Chuck and his Daddy (the two best Daddys I know)
Yesterday we went to church and then spent the day with Chuck's family, honoring both Chuck and his Dad for being such amazing Dads. I know I talk about Chuck like he's perfect, and the truth is, for me he is. I told him yesterday that he has made all my dreams come true. His dedication and love for me and CJ has led him to work full time at the landscape architecture firm and to start his own business doing landscape design and installation. I have never seen a man work so hard to ensure that his family have whatever they need to thrive. Because he works so hard I am able to be a stay-at-home Mom to CJ, the most important job I could have. He has helped ensure that I break the generational cycle of bad mothering left behind by my birth family. For that, I am eternally thankful. Sometimes I sit back and wonder why God chose to bless me with such a great husband. Whatever the reason, I am so grateful and my prayer is that I can be as good a wife to Chuck as he has been a husband.

The CJ Show

2006-06-19T04:56:00.000-07:00

Notice his six Teefers
The definition of "blowing your lips out"
Bath time

Can't my baby pose?
On the picket line with CJ!

Fighting and Winning the Battle

2006-06-12T04:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend I found myself laying in bed with one of my brothers, arms around him while he physically shook from the sobbing he was doing as a result of reading his "paperwork." Both of us in our twenties, both of us with the same huge questions, "Why didn't our birth mothers want us?" "Why did this happen to us?" "Why weren't we protected?". The pain in his face was profound, and it made me realize just how much healing (or shall I say scabbing up) I have gone through. I remember well the day I chose to read all my paperwork. Mom gave me a dusty old box filled with my life story. Sadly, it all fit neatly into a small box, in no way a representation of how I viewed those first eleven years of my life. While I has memories of chaotic and dangerous living, my life had been printed onto numbered pages, written so unemotionally and in such a detached manner that at first it seemed I was reading someone else's life story. But very quickly it started unfolding, my memories, fears, my deepest pains, right there in black and white. Documentation of DFCS involvement YEARS before I was even born shocked me. My oldest sister running away to escape the brutal abuse at the hands of our birth mother, only to be seen by DFCS and the police, totally black and blue, and not be rescued. Stories of the neglect and abuse, educational records, medical records, it was all such a blur and yet it so profoundly affected me that I ended up in such a meltdown that my boyfriend (now husband) wisely decided to walk me over to my Mom's house, as he immediately realized he could not help in this situation. I remember walking into my Mom's house sobbing. Without any thought I curled up on my Mom's lap, like CJ does with me now, and sobbed. I'm sure I soaked her clothes, I know I was physically shaking and I remember not knowing if the tears would ever stop. They didn't stop for some time, but eventually I started feeling better. It's not that I was miraculously healed, time just started to dull the raw pain. A couple of years later when my birth family reappeared it devastated me. All my scabs were torn open and I didn't stop crying for six months. Primal pain is what my Mom and I call it. Pain that hurts so much it can cripple you emotionally and can reach across generations, IF you let it. As I laid on Mom's bed with my brother, both of us dealing with the legacy of pain our birth mothers had left us, I began to think about how far God has actually brought me. Although I was brought to tears by my brother's intense pain, I felt I was so much more removed from the raw pain he was feeling. Although I still feel anger and hurt about what happened to me, I have also learned to live with it much more than I have given myself credit for. Looking back on when I read my paperwork and "reunited" with my birth family, I see how God has perfect timing. Not only was I able to work through much of my raw pain, but I was able to do it before I became a mother myself. Also, being farther along in the healing journey, I feel certain I can help guide my other brothers and sisters who have yet to face this massive, painful, intense battle. By no means am I done with the battle myself. I still face unforgiveness in my heart, anger, feelings of rejection and hurt, but I also know that I will survive. I know what it feels like to feel like the tears will never stop, like the pain will never subside, like the knowledge of what happened to me will stay burning in my memory forever. I also know that while none of those things will ever completely go away, they will mellow, they will fall into the background of life, replaced instead by the laughter of my sweet baby, the happiness of new successes and so much more that God has in store. So yes, it is painful, and yet when one goes through it they come out stronger, with God, Mom, and their sister Yolie holding them up when they feel their legs have been chopped out from under them.

Anger

2006-06-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching the Primetime Special on foster children (I tivo'd it and waited until CJ was taking a nap to watch it. I am so angry I can hardly see straight. It's so weird, really, because I often think that I am beyond the angry, hurt stage and on to the healing and then BAM! I watch something like this and I am blind with fury. It scares me sometimes, as I don't think of myself as having so much anger just below the surface, but apparently I do. Just watching those birth mothers promising so much to those kids enraged me. I lost all perspective and was that little girl again, reading her birth mother's letters from prison, promising a better life and telling me that if I prayed hard enough it would all come true. How dare she? How dare that mother on TV give such false hope? I swear, sometimes it would be better if they just said, "look, I'm not going to get it together, and I give you permission to love another mother and be the best you can be. Don't hang on to me, I'm not worth it." At least then, when another person comes in and tries to be a real mother, the child has "permission" to attach and not feel disloyal. UGH!!! I am just so frustrated. It's so unfair and yet it happens every single day. Most adults can't stand being left in limbo, even over what's for dinner. Yet children are fed lies, manipulations and deceit every day by birth parents who have no intentions of getting clean and getting their kids back, they simply want to make themselves feel better by saying the words, as if words are all the child needs to feel loved and wanted. I've been there, I've visited my birth mother in rehab and left with such high hopes of reunification, only to be crushed days later when she ran from the rehab center after an old boyfriend. I still have the letters from her that I received while in foster care, telling me how much she loved me and how God had changed her. Guess what, the letters mean nothing. The words meant nothing. They were just another avenue to spew her lies out to me. It's not fair that kids are given such false hope. It's not fair that when the birth mom in the story was found she denied all allegations of sexual abuse in her house. How dare she? How dare my birth mother so the same. How dare she toss away my memories as falsehoods, when my memories are all I have of my childhood. How dare she. How dare us allow such things to continue...

Pictures

2006-05-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

Our new baby girl, Ella.
CJ checking out Daddy's new tractor

CJ and Mama at Uncle Edgar's graduation
CJ loves his Jeep
Too cute!
Just hanging out with Nana
CJ and Ella eyeing each other out

Blogging Again

2006-05-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted anything but pictures on my blog. Lots of things have happened, but mainly I've been busy with CJ and since Sunday, my new puppy Ella (a beautiful English Mastiff my sweet husband got me for Mother's Day). I've often thought of things I could blog about, but then I remember that the last time I blogged about everything it became a bit overwhelming, as if only bad things were happening so I could write about them. My blog just seemed so heavy all the time (aside from the pictures), so I took a break. Well, my plan didn't necessarily work. As is with life, difficult times have kept on coming, so I decided I will blog in order to look back in the future and see how God worked miracles in our everyday difficulties. Right now, I have two hard things going on. One, my sister-in-law had to have an emergency C-section ten weeks too early, which brought my beautiful new niece Eden into the world weighing a mere 2 lbs 6 oz. She will have to stay in the hospital for at least a month, hopefully not longer. My sister-in-law is having a very difficult time leaving her baby girl in the hospital as well as trying to get her own health stabilized, which has proved to be very difficult so far. This has put an enormous amount of sadness and uncertainty in my "other" family (in-laws), which is somewhat unnerving for me, as Chuck is usually my rock and now we are all out of whack. Second, I have been trying to deal with the totally unfair way my Mom has been treated now for the last couple of months. This is a complicated one, as at one point I was the vessel which caused my Mom so much grief. Now, as I watch my younger brothers and sisters (mostly brothers I might add...who said boys are easier?) constantly being hateful to her, spewing out their anger and rage at her, it makes me very sad. I wish I could fast forward for her and for them, shielding her from the bullets while allowing my siblings to finally see our Mom for the amazing woman she really is. Like an inexperienced, just out of training adoptive parent, I want them to be grateful, but as a I know all too well, that's not reality. I've told my Mom that sometimes when she is telling me about how the kid are acting, I feel torn between wanting to "smack some sense" into them and feeling guilty myself because I know that at one point that person she's talking about was me. Of course, being the Mom that she is, she reminds me that she has forgiven me for those times and that I shouldn't fell that. But I can't help it. I want her to live a peaceful, fun life with the kids, and yet I know that the very nature of our family makes that almost impossible. She is the mother to very angry and hurt kids, and because she chooses to love us she pays for it every day. The unfairness of it makes me very sad and yet I know that those same kids will make her proud one day, and they will in turn be so proud to be her child. I just wish they wouldn't have to look back as I do and regret not taking advantage of the little time we do get to be kids with a real Mom. Thank God she's our forever Mom, because at least we can make up for it.

Beach Pictures

2006-05-17T06:46:00.000-07:00

CJ with his aunt after the beach

CJ on the beach

Easter Pictures

2006-04-18T05:04:00.000-07:00

CJ in his Easter outfit
Daddy enjoying CJ's Easter basket toys
CJ with his new toys
CJ just woke up to find his Easter basket...
Didn't take him long to dig in.

Pictures

2006-04-12T04:48:00.000-07:00

After a long day's work, Daddy Chuck thought he could relax with a foot soak. Cj had other ideas for the bubbly water.

CJ with his Aunt Sarah (AKA Ray Ray's Mom)
CJ with his Papa

Spring Break & CJ finally gets to play in the dirt

2006-04-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

Mom's kids on Spring Break (notice the trampoline is about to give up)

CJ playing in the dirt with his Aunt Vanessa and Aunt Miriam
"Hmm...the Bubbas can make sticks do fun stuff"
My baby will be walking soon!
Is that a mischievous face or what?

Birthday Cookout

2006-04-03T06:01:00.000-07:00

Chuck, CJ playing with Blanca and Maury
CJ with his Nana and Papa
Joe and Jose
Jose
Tara (Chuck's sister), Baby Yolie and Carolina
Maury and Blanca
Big Joe
Miss Alyssa

Pictures

2006-03-30T05:30:00.000-08:00

My men eating breakfast before Daddy goes to work.

Jackson and CJ
CJ and Mama in Abuelita's garden
Alexander in the garden

Angry Little Girl

2006-03-29T04:05:00.000-08:00

Cj helping me with laundry.
Audrey wrote a blog today that totally set me off. A birth mother has appealed her termination of parental rights, after promising she wouldn't because she knew it was best for her kids. Not only did my "eyes roll into cyberspace" but I had a moment of blind fury when I read it. It just makes me so angry that children's lives are subjected to such uncertainty and despair. No permanency, nobody to attach to, nobody to believe and no chance of getting a quick resolution so that they can begin a new life. Meanwhile, this birth mother goes about her life, with her attorney calling her every so often to inform her of the status of her case. She can continue to live her life, as she's been doing since she has not had the responsibility of her kids (others have taken that on) and her kids can continue to suffer, their future hanging in the balance because she once again chose herself and her own agenda over their wellbeing. Yes, this may sound a bit harsh. But I am not talking philosophically or theoretically, the little girl who sat in foster care and had to deal with a birth mother who continually lied and tried to manipulate the situation, has come out fighting this morning. It just is NOT FAIR. Why are kids treated like this? THEY ARE THE VICTIMS! Not the birth mother. Yes, I took all the social work classes, I know all about the cycles of poverty, abuse, etc. I know all about the social, economic and other stressors that can "cause" such situations. My answer? There are thousands of parents out there living in those situations who do not abuse, neglect or allow others to do to their children. So why do some and others don't? I think priorities play big into it. My birth mom simply chose drugs, alcohol and men over us. Many people with children get caught up in these evils, but when faced with losing their children they choose to make the kids their number one priority. They get clean, they work their caseplan, they get their kids back and regret that mistakes that caused them to lose precious time with their children. Others, like mine, and like this birth mother whose parental rights were terminated, do not. They expect others to do the work for them, and they expect to get what they want while continuing to drink, drug and put everything but their children first. Then they get on TV and complain that they were mistreated and not given enough chances. My answer...bullcrap. I know how hard it is to get parental rights terminated. It's darn near impossible most of the time. So don't give me a sob story when it happens, and please don't start to fight at the end when you've not given an ounce of effort when you had the chance. Yes, I am very angry about this subject. I do not want more Yolie's out there, having anxiety attacks at the age of eight because of the uncertainty of life. I do not want any more Yolie's out there, questioning if there really is a God at the age of ten, when my whole life seemed torn from front to back. I do not want more Yolie's out there, with tears streaming down my face as I realized that my own flesh and blood would rather her boyfriend be satisfied with her daughter than protect her. The children are the victims here...the children are the victims.

Genetics or something like that...

2006-03-27T13:21:00.000-08:00

As we were skipping Sunday School and chatting in the hallway at church one of my favorite men in the whole world came up to my Mom and I and started talking. Pastor Terry commented in how gorgeous CJ was. This is the actual conversation.

PT: CJ is so adorable. I knew he would be. I told my daughter Chuck and Yolie would make beautiful babies, how could they not, look at them. (OK, I'm not putting this in to sound conceited, it's just how the conversation took place).
My Mother: Look at them?? This is all me! I take the credit for his great genes. Look at us, he has my eyes, those are my eyes, Terry, THOSE ARE MY EYES!
PT: Yes, Cindy, he has your eyes.

Um, okay Mom you must have not passed biology 101. Well, what should I expect? Remember when Isaac was born and Gina wanted to know if he looked like her? I guess when we have brother uncles and Aunt Tabby bossing around RayRay genetics get thrown out the window.

Yolie Thoughts

2006-03-27T12:40:00.000-08:00

Chuck did this up a while ago. CJ was so small!
I was telling my mom the other day as she was telling me about my younger sister who FINALLY kissed her and was showing her affection my thoughts on the situation. Granted, I waited too long to write this blog, so she is back in the "hot seat" wait Mama, but that's how it goes around here. Anyway, I was explaining to my Mom that the timing of Vanessa's affection made perfect sense to me. You see, Vanessa has been watching Mom like a hawk for the past few weeks, seeing how she would react to all of the bad situations that have come about lately. In particular, she has been dissecting Mom's reaction to one of her birth brother's situations, which has been difficult on the whole family. Vanessa has seen Mom stick to her guns on every single issue that has come up, and she has seen her LOVE and be COMMITTED to her (our)sibling through a very difficult time. These actions have caused her to take notice and to maybe begin to trust that Mom is who she says she is and that she will NEVER abandon us or give up on us. I know this because the same thing happened with me. Because as a child with huge rejection issues, I did not believe that I deserved any better than what I had gotten, or that I would ever have the chance to have a real mother, I had a terrible time believing that my new adoptive mother would love me and take care of me. So, although I did not think it could happen for me, I was desperate for it to happen for my brothers, Joe and Daniel. When we were adopted, I made a choice in my mind to see what my new mom would do with Joe and Daniel. This would ultimately decide whether or not she would ever gain my trust and love, it's sad in a way, because as young as I was, I had already decided that I would give up having a loving relationship with this potential mother, as long as my brothers would be taken care of. What I didn't get, though, was that watching this woman love and commit to my brothers would in turn cause me to grow in love with her. Joe and Daniel were always my priority, and to see a Mother make them hers was amazing to me. She meant what she said and never floundered in her commitment to them and me. I don;t think my situation was unique. I think that many siblings, especially older siblings in adoptive situations, hold back their judgment of their new placement to see how the new parents deal with their siblings. If you have adopted siblings, you can see evidence of this when you discipline one of the younger siblings and the older one gets anxious, angry or sad. You can see it when you try to dole out love and affection when the younger one gets hurt and the older sib watches you like a hawk to make sure you are doing it right (or my my case, tries to direct you on what things make him/her feel better). There was no way I would ever trust or love this woman if she did not do right by my brothers. I am thankful every day that she did. At the same time, learning to trust and love her was hard. Until I became an adult I still dealt with the fear that one day she would just decide she was done with us. Yes, it was an irrational fear, as she has never given me one reason to doubt her, but you must understand that the fear of loving and losing is ever present when is has already almost crippled you once in your life. Perhaps this explains vanishes complete 180 just a few days after the big show of affection. She is now back to Viper Girl, hissing and glaring and spewing bitterness. Vulnerability sucks, and for her I'm sure that fear, whether conscious or not, is terribly scary for her right now. But, I know she will eventually come around, as she continues to watch Mom be there for her siblings she will transfer that love Mom has for her sibs to herself.

sleep shots

2006-03-23T09:54:00.000-08:00

Chuck snapped theses as he was getting ready for work. Yes, I really am asleep. I'm also pretty brave to post them as I have no makeup on and bedhead, but I thought they were really sweet.

Happy Pictures

2006-03-20T06:05:00.000-08:00

Ray Ray and Sarah at the school play.
CJ and Alexander having guy time
CJ laughing at me
CJ is supposed to be getting dressed.

Getting throught the valleys...

2006-03-16T16:33:00.000-08:00

This picture was taken at midnight when CJ, although obviously tired, thought it a better idea to roughhouse with me and Chuck while wearing his book as a hat.
I've not been up to blogging latley. Mostly, I feel like putting down in words everything that's been going on lately would only serve to make it more real, which is not what I need right now. But, I know at some point I need to blog again, so I guess there's no time like right now. CJ is asleep so I'd better get to it. My mom and I have been talking alot about the fact that since Mama Daisy passed away our family has been dealt some extremely hard blows. I've felt overwhelmed at times by the punches we've had to endure. We've had deaths, hospitalizations, and imprisonments. The days just seem to bring more and more bad news, to the point that I'd rather not answer my cell phone sometimes. I've watched my Mom have to deal with all the blows and I've seen her and all the family having a hard time with it. I don't know a stronger person than my Mama, and when even she's had it with all the bad news you know it's been a rough ride. I know at times like this we should focus on the good stuff that has happened in our family. I look at CJ, Alyssa, RayRay, Alexander and Tommie (all the babies that are around on a daily basis) and I can't help but smile. We do have the cutest bunch of babies around and I guess being able to hold them and love on them is all we need to remember that God is in control and has a plan for our family. Just think, when I was in the midst of being put into foster care, when my life seemed to be destroyed, I would never have imagined the pure joy God would bring to me in the form of CJ. When Joe was sitting in the county jail nobody imagined that he would be the best daddy to Miss Alyssa, who has brought me more joy than ever. So, we must remember as a family that right now things seem bleak. But we do not know what God has in store for us. We must hold on to this. Now, this is as much a pep talk to myself as to anybody in the family. I constantly have to unload the heavy burden I feel and remember that God can handle it way better than I can, in fact, He has already handled it. He knows how everything will work out in the end, and our family will once again feel victorious. Yesterday in church the youth did a musical interpretation by acting out a scene where a teenager was struggling with the burdens of sin. They illustrated perfectly the demons that were swarming and fighting to keep their hold on the child. Then, God appeared and fought back for this soul. I couldn't help but think of our family, individually and as a whole, we are being attacked, and I was so glad for the reminder that God is fighting for us and that He will not stop until we are all freed from the demons trying to take hold. He is all powerful, and I am so grateful, because it has been painfully obvious in the last few months that we are not.

My blog makes everyone cry

2006-02-17T05:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Joe called me to tell me that he had just started reading my blog (in it's entirety) and his exact words were, "Yolie! don't EVER write a book. It will be depressing from the beginning to the end!". He also said, "Yolie! CJ is the second cutest baby in the world. Alyssa is the 1st!". We went on to agree that Alyssa could be the cutest girl and CJ the cutest boy. I was laughing as I tried to explain to him that my main audience was adoptive parents and that I felt a need to show them the reality of what their children are dealing with inside. I told him it was a good experience for them to read about to which he promptly responded "good experience for them, it sucked for us!". My whole point in reliving this conversation is that after I got off the phone, Lena, who has been staying with us for six months while Jesse (my brother) is on a deployment, went on to tell me that if she had only known me through my blog (and not on a daily basis for six months) she would think I was a very sad person. I have had others tell me that every time they read my blog they cry. Now I'm beginning to wonder what people think I'm like. Lena told me that sometimes she'll read by blog and when she sees me later that day she is expecting me to be tearful and down, instead I cut up with her and have fun with CJ all day. I guess I just want everyone out there to know that I consider this blog to be a good place to release my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. Very rarely do I walk around tearful and sad, I am by nature a pretty happy person. And I think I can be lots of fun to be around. That's one of the things about anyone who has been dealt hard blows...if you can come out of them with your sense of self and stability intact, then you have accomplished something. Yes, I do carry old hurts and yes my heart has scars over scars that are occasionally ripped off, but overall I try not to let that define who I am every day. It's interesting, because I've had my in-laws tell me before that they forget I had a bad childhood and that I'm adopted. I take that as a compliment because it makes me feel good that I do not wear my issues on my sleeve. I tend to choose very carefully who I let into that part of me (except of course on this blog, where anyone can read it), but in my personal life I do not express my deepest pain to just anybody. Most people I went to school with or just hung out with sometimes don't know about the neglect and abuse I suffered, in fact if they do find out they are often shocked. So, I guess I write all this out to say that I do not walk around sad and in deep thought all the time. I laugh, play, goof around, act serious when needed and think I'm overall a happy person. That doesn't mean I am not dealing with "adoption issues" or "bad childhood issues" it just means I'm bigger than them.

Feeling Heavy

2006-02-10T16:50:00.000-08:00

(Click on the picture to see it much better. I couldn't figure out what was wrogn with it but it's such a cute picture).

Mom has been on me for a week now about updating my blog. To be honest, I've felt a little reluctant to blog this week, and I'm not really sure why. So much is going on my my family right now, it feels like we've been through more stuff in those two weeks than most families go through in a year. Maybe that's why I haven't felt like blogging. I just don't have anything positive to write. I tend to be a person who takes things in and dwells on them. It's one of my biggest faults, and yet it is also one of the reasons I think I care so much about people. I noticed today that for this last week I have been gloomy. Every day I'm either tired, not feeling well, or just plain down. I've blamed it on the weather, little sleep, my dinner not coming out good (my fried chicken lost it's crunchiness somehow) but today I realized that it's just my reaction to the past couple of weeks. Interestingly, I feel that I have not been there for my Mom as much as I usually am during tough times. While I tried to be there as much as possible when Sarah lost Bailey, I feel that since then I've been kind of "out of the loop." Some things I've learned about from reading Mom's blog. I am usually there for the "big" things, but somehow I''ve managed to not be there. I think I feel guilty, as I know Mom is going through a rough time with all the kids, but at the same time I think I'm just taking it all in and feeling "heavy" from it all. I don't like to see my Mom going through such a hard time with the kids. I also know that this time will pass, as acting out of this magnitude usually comes in cycles, and it was to be expected with all that has happened recently. Actually, just sitting here typing has brought to my attention that perhaps my gloominess is my acting out response to all the stuff going on. Hmmm...at least CJ is still the cutest baby in the world.

More stuff

2006-02-01T06:57:00.001-08:00

It's been a week now since our family lost Bailey. Life, as it does, has continued with a vengeance. Mom blogged about Joey's incident at school and how it's unchartered territory for our family. As the old saying goes, "when it rains, it pours" around here. I still have no insight into Sarah and Preston's loss. I'm still as confused about it as I was a week ago. I look at Sarah and wonder how she's standing, breathing, functioning and then I remember that she IS a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Grandaughter, Aunt and Sister. Seeing Sarah through this has given me a whole new level of respect for her. Through her tears I have watched her pull out a genuine smile for Ray, continuing the legacy of good mothering she will leave with him. She is the type of mother I wished for when I was little. She has endured the worst, the loss of a child, and she will come out at the other end...I have no doubt she will.

As for the situation with Joey, Mom is in a tough spot. I TOTALLY agree with her philosophy of not bailing out her kids. Mom will sit through every band program, soccer match, football game and play we are in, that's her job. She will not bail us out of jail, because what does that teach us? So, where do my lines blur on this subject? Because I do still deal with "adoption issues" my first impulse when Mom and I discussed this was to "justify" Joey's acting out. No, not excuse it but explain it. Yes, he's a dumb teenager with no impulse control. Yes, we've been telling him for years what not to do in order to stay out of jail (literally, at Mom's house some conversations go like this, "If you do that out in the real world, you will end up in jail!"). But, for a "kid" like me the first reaction is "does she still love him (i.e. Me), even when he (i.e. Me) does something THIS bad? Remember how adopted kids think here, "Let's see if she REALLY means what she says about being my 'forever mom'...). What a pickle. So, my suggestion? Joey needs to learn that life choices always have consequences. He also needs to know that he is loved, and even just telling him that through a glass window and a telephone (even though it will make NO sense to him now) will make a difference. Just ask Joe...

Raw Emotions

2006-01-26T05:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't known how to post, what to post, or where to start this last week. The loss of my nephew has been tragic. Sarah's loss has cut so deep into our family's heart that we all seem to be walking around like lost puppies searching for an answer. Audrey called my mom a "pillar of strength." She truly is that for our family, and to see her so broken over the loss of her grandson has been hard. This whole thing has been too hard. Sarah and Preston have lost such a precious treasure and that makes me very angry. It makes me angry to think about all the drug addicts who carry babies to term, only to hurt them. It makes me angry to think of all the babies who are abandoned, when there are people like Sarah and Preston who want to give thier kids a Christian, loving home. I know I cannot stay angry or bitter about this, but it just doesn't make any sense to me. Hasn't our family dealt with enough loss? Sarah opened her heart and shared her mother with 38 other children. She, on a daily basis, helps Mom with raising the family. She has accepted all of us as her siblings, major faults and all. She has witnessed more loss issues and grief in the past few years than most people do in a lifetime. I see no reason why she had to lose Bailey Scott. I know God is wise and has a plan. My faith is solid and I get that. But that doesn't keep me from being angry and feeling betrayed. These are emotions I will have to deal with, pray about and resolve. I know being a Christian doesn't keep us from hurt or pain, I get all that. I'm just so overwhelmingly confused about God's plan in all of this. In time, I'm sure I will read back over this blog and see the work God did within our family, but right now it is just raw emotions. Loss is never easy. Babies are so precious in our family, they bring such hope and renewal and it doesn't seem fair to take that away from our family. I hope that Sarah knows how much she is loved by us and how much we all mourn Bailey Scott. Ray is such a sweetheart, his smile is so genuine and his quirks are so adorable, we all feel cheated that we will not get to witness the same in Bailey...at least not while here on Earth.

Sarah and Me

2006-01-21T08:41:00.000-08:00

This has been a tough time for my family. We are all agreeing in prayer that Sarah and the baby will come out of this with a great testimony about God's miracles. Of course, as is human nature, I am taking this personally and really having a tough time with the "WHY???" question. It just makes no sense to me. So, like any good adopted child with loss issues, last night I went right back into my defense mechanisms. Having been stressed out and off balance all day, I waited until my sweet husband got home and then lost it. I didn't just tell him I was worried and tense, I waited until I brought up something about the dinner I cooked and he simply agreed that it could have cooked a couple more minutes. Now, Chuck is the sweetest guy I know, and he never criticizes anything I do (even if I deserve it) but that gave me the excuse I needed to emotionally shut down and then lose it. I cried about the dinner, and my sweet husband asked me what the real issue was, and only then was I able to talk about my feelings regarding Sarah's hospitalization. So see, here I am, an adult adoptee whose supposedly got it together, and it is so easy for me to fall back into my childhood, foster kid defenses. Even the threat of a loss throws me over the edge, not to mention my mom is also worried which throws me even further off balance. Usually only one of us can be off balance at a time. I know we'll get through this as a family, but man is it gonna be tough for a while. Chuck, CJ, Lena and myself are heading to the hospital to take Sarah, Preston and Preston's mom Agua Linda (funny the only non-Hispanic sister wants Mexican food for comfort!). Everyone keep praying.

Daniel

2006-01-14T10:37:00.000-08:00

Mom blogged this morning about Daniel moving out. I have been trying to ignore it and not get emotional, since Daniel HATES tears, but Mom made me cry with her blog. You see, he's been Mom's baby since he was six...he's been mine since he was born. I remember the day he came home from the hospital. I was so young, but I already felt a sense of responsibility for him. As he got bigger I remember having what I now can identify as panic attacks, just being so stressed out over how I would get Joe and Daniel something to eat...I was only six or seven myself. I would go over to our neighbor's apartment and they would give me something to take back for them to eat. I hugged Daniel when he was hurt or crying. And when our birth mom would do somethin g crazy like slit her wrists in our presence, I would shield Daniel from seeing it. Yes, it's a bit graphic, but so was our life. Living it, and trying tpo protect Daniel and Joe from it was my life. Now that he's grown I still want to protect him. I am so proud of him and know he will succeed in anything he wants, but man, my baby brother has grown up. In some weird way, it's like an end to a chapter in our lives. We are no longer the kids who were hurt, we are the adults who chose not to let that define us.

Trust

2006-01-11T05:35:00.000-08:00

CJ is getting so big now. He is trying to crawl and is into everything. Nothing I have in my hand is safe, as he thinks that it belongs in his mouth. Yesterday, as I was holding him he threw himself back as I held on to him. He just stayed like that, enjoying this new view of the living room. Sometimes as I hold him and play with him I think about me as a baby. My mom and I talk this to death it seems like, but it is so fundamental to an adopted child's life. The whole question of how did we survive has been even more on my mind since having CJ. I look at him and know that he has total trust in me. He knows I will provide anything he needs. He doesn't know this on an intellectual level, but on a fundamental level. His trust and attachment to Chuck and I is forming the person he will become. All the kisses, hugs, feedings, sweet words and constant presence of Mama (me) has made for one happy baby. As you can see from all the pictures, he's always smiling and loves to be the pass-around baby. He has no fear that if he's handed to someone else, I'll be gone. Unlike babies who have no constant caregiver, he is only content with others for a time, and then he needs Mama, kind of like coming back to home base. Now, with us (my sibs and I), we had no home base. There was no abundance of kisses, hugs, sweet words and hardly a presence of a mother, and when she was around, she was drunk or high. I look at CJ, so needy, and wonder what we did. And I wonder how anyone could walk away from us, so needy and vulnerable, and not look back. We were just as cute, just as curious and just as fun. We wanted interaction and we wanted to know someone cared. But, instead, we had to figure it out on our own. For those who wonder where the grief comes from, it starts right there. The unfairness of it is overwhelming for a child, and for an adult. No, we cannot dwell on the unfairness of it, but understand that this is not like being passed up for a promotion or not getting the part in a school play even though you're the better pick, it's about not getting what you need on a fundamental level. That is something that burns into your soul and leaves a pretty nasty scar. We can overcome it, of course we can, but that doesn't mean that I won't think about it when I'm holding my son and making sure he never feels the despair I must have felt as a lonely, scared baby girl.

New Year

2006-01-03T07:43:00.000-08:00

It has been a busy couple of weeks, getting through Christmas and New Years and of course, the Sugar Bowl, which we unfortunately lost. Chuck, CJ and I spent New Years just how we wanted, as a family, watching TV on the sofa and reminiscing about the last year and how we could make 2006 better than 2005 (hard to top since our son was born!). The very next morning we went to church and heard one of the best sermons our Pastor has ever preached. It was right on and only confirmed what Chuck and I had decided in our hearts to be the most important things to focus on in 2006...Faith, Family, Fitness and Finances. Sometimes God just makes things very clear, and I believe that if we focus on these things then God will bless our family. I also spent New Years night praying and thanking God for all of the blessings I have in my life. I am so grateful to have a family who loves me. I pray that I never take that for granted because I know what it's like not to have that. I'm grateful for my husband. He is my rock and I know that God put him on earth to be my husband and the father on my children. His relationship with God inspires me to be a better person, as do his everyday actions. He has so much integrity and loves his family so deeply that it sometimes astounds me that God chose me to be his wife (although I do joke with Chuck that HE is the lucky one to haev gotten me to marry him..hahaha). I am so grateful for my son. Even though I felt fulfilled in my life before I was a mother, I can't for the life of me figure out what in the world could ever make one happier than being a mother. The love that I have for my son I cannot even put into words. I feel so blessed that God gave Chuck and I this precious gift...he is so beautiful and perfect to me. I could go on and on, but words are not enough. I know I already said I am grateful for my family, but I am really grateful for my Mom. She knows how much she means to me but I can never fully explain to her how she unlocked the person I am today by showing me unconditional love. All I can say, over and over again, is thank you. There are so many things I am grateful for. Of course, there are things that I still wonder about. There have been very hard times and I'm sure there are more to come. But for today, I choose to focus on the blessings God has given me. I have a great family, church, friends, home, etc. I am so grateful...

As always...CJ

2005-12-30T11:35:00.000-08:00

More Pics

2005-12-23T06:18:00.000-08:00

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New pics

2005-12-23T06:11:00.000-08:00

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Christmas Craziness

2005-12-23T05:51:00.000-08:00

Mom's been having a heck of a time with my younger sibs here at Christmastime (as usual). People may wonder why kids like us decide to act out during holidays. After all, aren't we being given the best Christmas we've ever had? Of course we are, and to a "normal" person's eye it would seem that we'd be grateful and joyous. But, the truth is we are too often not. While our new family goes above and beyond to make our Christmas wonderful, another family haunts our thoughts. The family who seemed to go above and beyond to make sure we had no fond memories of Christmas lurks in the back of our minds. When I was young, Christmas meant nothing more than another excuse for my birth mom to get hung over and forget about us. The domestic violence I witnessed seemed to grow during the holidays and I can remember going to school praying that nobody would find out that I had had no Christmas, wishing that I could brag about what my wonderful mom had bought me and wondering what all the kids were smiling about. When we made little homemade Christmas gifts for our parents at school, I knew that I would hand it to my birth mom hoping she would see how much I loved her and then she would get clean and take care of us. But, instead, my little clay ornaments usually ended up being thrown at someone during a fight. Then, when I was eleven, I had my first Christmas with my new adoptive family. Everyone is smiling, and Mom went out of her way to give us a great Christmas. Trouble was, I was profoundly sad over spending Christmas with people I had only known for three months. I was supposed to smile and be grateful and participate in holiday rituals I had never been a part of, simple things like decorating the tree and opening gifts on Christmas morning all brought the blanket of sadness farther over my heart. I missed my foster mom and everything I had ever known I had lost (except for my two brothers who were THE most important people in my life). I worried that if I became comfortable and actually enjoyed this Christmas I'd only be let down the next year when I had to spend it with another family. See, I didn't get the whole forever family thing. As the years went on, I slowly began to relaize that I could enjoy Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving and all the other holidays, because this family was for real. A hint of sadness still creeps in during the holdiays, as I think of the Christmases lost to drugs and alcohol, but now it's more of a passing thought, not a dwelling on what could have been. But, my yougner sibligns are not there yet. They act out because they do not know how to deal with the war raging in thier heads. My prayer is that soon they can experience the holidays without the anxiety and sadness I know they are experiencing. For now, though, I am grateful for a Mother who works her butt off to ensure that happy memories are made. Without her I'd still cry on Christmas Day.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

2005-12-08T04:56:00.000-08:00

My mom has written about how hard Christmas is for children who have come out of childhoods filled with abuse and neglect. Hard is one word, haunting is another. Every year on Christmas Day I think about my birth family, if only for a second. When I was younger, the thoughts lasted longer and made me sadder. I wondered if my birth family even threw a thought my way. Did they wonder if I was happy and having a good Christmas? Did they miss me? Were they having a decent Christmas? Sadness over not having my other sibs to spend Christmas with, coupled with what we call "survivor guilt" set in alot. It is hard to enjoy Christmas with such thoughts running through your head, especially when you're only twelve. While most kids reminisce about last Christmas and how much fun they had, the best Christmas memory I could muster up at age twelve was when our foster mom took us to the Christmas party put on by the military base in El Paso, where soldiers handed us toys from the local Toys for Tots drives. Today, I probably go over board with Christmas. I make sure I decorate my whole house, probably in an attempt to somehow "make up" for for all the Christmases that I spent wondering if my birth mother would wake up (she was of course, hung over), much less if we;d get any presents. I remember once she did take us to the local shelter where they were passing out out free Christmas dinners. Come to think of it, it wasn't her that took us, it was her boyfriend. So, yes, Christmas is difficult for children who have pasts like me. It's the Ghost of Christmas Past and no matter how far we try to run from it, it somehow finds us every year.

My Armpit Baby

2005-12-05T05:39:00.000-08:00

CJ and Aunt Lena (now officially his first crush I think)
CJ with Mama
I officially know what an "armpit baby" is. For the past two nights, CJ has insisted on sleeping with the back of his head literally in my armpit. It's as if he can't get close enough to me. He nudges and pushes his head into my armpit all night. I think if he could magically re-enter my belly he'd be happy to sleep there (as long as he could come out and play with Daddy every morning!). At least he's getting some good sleep.

Babysitting Notes

2005-12-01T08:32:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay in blogging recently, I've been pretty busy. CJ is teething, which means he's been very clingy and not really letting me do much other than hold him, rock him, kiss him and give him Tylenol. Poor baby, it must be hard growing teefers. Right now he is rocking in his swing and I'm babysitting Tabby and Nando while Mom goes to a meeting. They are so cute and yet so high maintenance. They need constant reassurance that Mom is coming back and that they will not be left here. Mom told me she left diapers and wipes, but that I probably wouldn't need them while she was gone. Tabby has pooped twice already (you owe me Mom). I really believe that it's because she's stressed out over Mom not being here. Her routine has been messed with today and that is not good. Of course, they know me and know I'll take good care of them, but they do not know that Mom is going to come back for them. They've had so many caregivers in their short lives that being dropped off somewhere with a bag full of diapers, wipes and snacks signals it's time to say goodbye to this mommy. It's so sad when you think about it. Three and four year olds should not have to worry about such things. Now that I'm a mom myself and am watching CJ develop all his trust and attachment skills and it highlights even more how kids who have been in care just don't get it. CJ is only five months old and this morning he started crying when I was out of his sight (I was putting something in the sink). The look of relief that came over him when he saw me again (two seconds later) was so cute. Now, think about all the kids (I was one of them) who get used to nobody caring when they cry about something. While CJ is learning that I will come when he needs me, Nando and Tabby must unlearn that nobody will come. They must learn to expect someone to care for them, rather than expect no one to bother. They must learn that when Mom goes somewhere she will come back. But the process of learning these things is difficult. While it is very hard for them to be left here with me (which has only happened twice), it is also good for them to see Mom go and come back. They have to learn that she will do what she says. She will be back in a little while and they will go home and she will cook beans for tacos tonight, which they will eat before going to bed in their own beds. Simple enough, huh? Tell that to the scared, deer caught in the headlights babies sitting here staring at me while I type.

Exciting Weekend

2005-11-21T05:12:00.000-08:00

This weekend was very exciting for me. I was blessed to serve on an adoption panel with Father George Clements, Founder & CEO of One Church, One Child (in addition to a bunch of other programs). Just to get him speak would have been enough for me, as he is an inspiration to so many in the adoption field. Not only did I get to hear him speak, I was privileged to be on the same panel with him, myself speaking to the same captive audience he was. I felt so honored. After the panel, Father Clements took some time to talk with me and hug me. He took a picture with my son CJ in his arms, and I cannot wait to show it to CJ when he is older and explain to him the awesome man he met when he was only five months old. Father Clements has himself adopted four boys. He was the first priest to adopt a child. Because of his vision and determination to find homes for waiting children, over 170,000 kids have found adoptive homes. What a legacy. Father Clements is not only concerned with adoption, though. He has a passion for the human race. It was so cool to meet a man doesn't say "oh, that's awful. Someone should do something about that." Instead, he says "oh, that's awful. I'll do something about it." Again, it was so awesome to serve on the same panel. As the only adoptee on the panel, I hope I brought a little bit of understanding to adoptive parents about what it's like for the children. As if Saturday wasn't exciting enough, I received a text message from a friend Sunday after church telling me my article was good. Soon after, my mom called and said the article I wrote last week had been published. Chuck, CJ and I ran to the gas station and got a copy of the paper. Sure enough, there it was. I really thought I'd get a small corner of the paper, somewhere where nobody would see it. Instead, I was surprised to see my article in a prominent place, with a pretty big heading. While I can't help but be proud of myself for being in the paper (kind of like a kid who got an "A" in something), I am praying that just one person will read it and decide to make a difference in the life of a waiting child.

Article

2005-11-15T14:12:00.000-08:00

This is something I just wrote that may potentially be put in our local newspaper for National Adoption Month.

Adoption in today’s world holds many different experiences for many different types of children. While the typical adoption of a newborn baby is still the most widely thought-of type of adoption, there are many other types that need to be recognized in order to find homes for waiting children. “Special Needs Adoption” is one example. Through my personal experience as an adopted child, I have been able to accomplish many things in life. I was adopted at the age of eleven. Before that, I had spent some time in foster care while parental rights were terminated on my biological mother. My past was not pretty and it made me a “hard to place” child, especially when you threw in the fact that I had two younger brothers who needed to be placed with me. When prospective adoptive parents think about their perfect adopted child, they usually do not picture a sibling group of three kids, none of them even close to babies or toddlers, who are dealing with issues stemming from years of abuse and neglect. Regardless, I needed a home, and I needed someone to go out on a limb and offer me that home. But, I didn’t need just anybody. I needed someone who was committed, someone who could understand that I was a wounded spirit who needed time to heal. This is not an easy task. It is a lifelong commitment to loving, nurturing, protecting and understanding a child who you have just met. I needed a parent. As a pre-teen I was beginning a hard time in my life and I had nobody to help me understand it. I was dealing with issues surrounding grief and loss and I had nobody to talk to about them. For years, I had been the caretaker to my younger brothers, having lost any sense of a normal childhood and I needed someone to take over that role so that I could begin to be a child. At the same time, I was dealing with a profound sadness over the loss of my biological family, because even though it was abusive and neglectful, it was the only family I knew. All this, wrapped into an eleven year old girl. I was not the poster child for adoption. But, maybe I should have been. There are so many children out there right now just like me. Waiting for someone to step up to the plate and bat for them. Older children do bring their own special needs with them into an adoptive home, but they can also bring lots of joy and happiness. Many people mistakenly believe that an older child could never bond with them, since they have so many memories of their biological family. I firmly disagree. I could not be more bonded to my adoptive mother if she had birthed me. Blood lines do not dictate our love for each other, we choose to love one another and that’s so special. Being adopted has meant the world to me. It means that my mother chose me as her own. If only more people were willing to do the same for all the waiting children.

Special Needs Adoption encompasses a wide range of children. I was considered special needs because I was eleven years old, Hispanic and part of a sibling group. Many other children fall into this category because they are older than eight (Caucasian children), older than one (African-American children), have emotional, physical or other needs, and/or are part of a sibling group. If you are interested in learning more about Special Needs Adoption, please visit All God’s Children, Inc.’s website at www.agcadoption.org or call 706-316-2421. To see a photolisting of waiting children in Georgia visit www.myturnnow.com. As an adoptee I urge everyone to search their hearts and see if this is something you feel called to do. Being a parent is the most important job one could ever have.

CJ

2005-11-14T07:18:00.000-08:00

Chuck is a proud Daddy! He must have taken thirty shots of CJ while I was taking a shower. So cute!

Long Week

2005-11-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

It's been a heck of a time around here since last Monday. So much has gone on that it would be hard to remember it all. If you read my mom's blog you alredy know that Deysi, Saray and Marcela's birth mother passed away. It was one of the saddest nights we've had in our family. Deysi, Saray and Marcela were my mom's first sibling group, adopted from Honduras. Their adoption pretty much started my mom down the path to our large family now. It was very difficult to watch them so broken over Mama Daisy's death. At the same time, it was uplifting to see how our family rose to the occasion and comforted, held, loved and cared for them during this time. Joey, who is one of mom's most difficult kids, sat down on the sofa with his arms around Marcela and tears streaming down his face. The truth is, I'm not even sure he knew the name Mama Daisy until that night, but he did know that his sisters were hurting and that's all that mattered. I spent pretty much all day every day last week at mom's house, just trying to find the right thing to say to my sisters. Of course, there is no right thing, so instead I just sat with them, sometimes just letting them cry and sometimes laughing as we reminisced on the good old days when we were all teenagers (I heard that snort, mother). Again, it was a time for family and I think we all stepped up to the plate.

In addition to that (or maybe because of that tough week), CJ and I have been fighting a terrible bug. CJ has been to the Dr. twice and he woke up this morning still in bad shape. Thank God I'm feeling a little better, as it's been tough to take care of him while I'm sick. My sweet husband has really helped out with him (as he always does). It seems that being sick is in the air right now, as Saray's kids were sick and poor Odd Toddler Ray was hospitalized. Mom said Tabby's got some sort of something around her mouth/face and I'm conviced it's from something she stuck in her mouth. Last time I babysat her she came up to me and stuck her tongue out to show me that she had eaten a red colored pencil. Hey, at least she's not a picky eater.

With the death of Mama Dasiy, I hve spent a lot of time thinking about my own birth family. Deysi, Saray and Marcela were blessed to have two mothers who loved them unconditionally. They, therefore, reacted as expected with Mama Daisy's passing. They loved her and she loved them and it was probably one of the hardest things they will ever have to go through. The question I have been asking myself is "what will that look like for me?" I cannot even begin to imagine what I would feel if my birth mother passed away. There's still so much left unsaid and so many questions I know I'll never get answered. The biggest, "WHY??" has no answer and I remain committed to my decision not to have contact with her, but still, it makes you think. Really, I'm thinking more about my birth sister. If something happened to her I'd be devastated, and yet, in order for me to continue to move forward in my life (in positive ways) I feel that I have to let go. This is where I have the hardest time with forgiveness. Because of my birth mom, so many people have been hurt and must make heartwrenching decisions just to lead a stable life. She has no idea how much damage and destruction she left in her path. I constantly question my decisions regarding my birth sister because there is simply no easy answer. And yet, she goes about her life continuing to hurt and cause pain. It makes me very angry. On to other things now...

Family Ties

2005-11-08T16:42:00.000-08:00

It's 7:45pm and I am getting ready to go to bed. I am totally exhausted after a week of CJ reverting back to his newborn days when he has to eat every one and a half to two hours the entire night. Since he usually takes a morning nap, I would usually nap with him in this case, but my sisters have been going through a very difficult situation with their mom in Honduras so I have been spending all day at Mom's house with them, just trying to be supportive and show them how much I love them. Mom often says that emotional exhaustion is worse than actual physical exhaustion, and right now I have both. I'm going on very little real sleep and some pretty heavy emotional stuff with my sisters, Deysi, Saray and Marcela. I cannot imagine, though, the extent of their exhaustion, since it is their mother that is about to undergo a serious and difficult surgery thousands of miles away. My emotions are for their sake. I hate to see them going through such a hard time and to see the pain in their faces makes me want to cry myself. Mom said in her blog that times like this really help us to re-learn the meaning of family. She's right. Many people ask if we remain close after we grow up (as if adoption bonds terminate at age eighteen). I think that if people could see us in a situation like this they would see the utter love we have for one another. No, it's not my biological mother who had a stroke, but it is my sisters' mother, and that's enough for me to drop what I'm doing and make sure they know I'm here for them. Yes, we stay close even though we're grown up. We are a family and family ties are forever binding, through good and bad, happy and sad.

Sadness

2005-11-03T06:56:00.000-08:00

CJ had his four month shots yesterday and they did not sit well with him. Poor baby spent most of the day and all of the night moaning in my arms feeling pitiful. Every four hours I dosed him up with Infant's Tylenol but come that third hour before the next dose his temperature was high and he was feeling really crappy. It was hard for me to see him so miserable, which explains why I just held him all night, even when he did doze off (usually, I would roll him off of my stomach right next to me in bed). I sensed he just needed me to be there, where he could hear my heartbeat, not to mention the backrub I gave him all night. He woke up this morning not feelign well again. Lena was able to get about two smiles out of him before he was back to moaning and groaning in my arms. Poor baby. It's times like this that I tend to think about my own childhood and get sad. I know I had my vaccines (only because I've seen the shot record), but what are the chances that I was even given Tylenol for a fever afterwards? I'll never know the answers to such questions, or perhaps, I do know the answers and that's where the sadness comes from. I don't feel sorry for myself, but in a weird, almost out of body way, I grieve the loss of that little girl's childhood. I mourn for the little girl inside of me who just wanted to be loved. That's all I wanted. Fortunately, I have found ways to grieve the loss of that little, innocent girl's childhood in appropriate ways. Many of my siblings still have not acquired those skills, instead lashing out and acting out has become the only way they know how to relieve the pressure that builds up inside of them from so much sadness. Ultimately, the sadness is what is behind it all. It may look like anger, rebellion, frustration or other things but it's just that we're so darn sad. Wouldn't you be?

Hallowed Be Thy Name Festival

2005-10-31T05:31:00.000-08:00

Post party Syndrome
Joe & Alyssa and Me & CJ
Jackson
Mama & CJ
Lena & CJ
Joe, Tameshia & Alyssa
Tameshia & Alyssa
Can I hane some, Alyssa?
Okay, Daddy!
Mi familia
Miriam & CJ
Lena & Tameshia
Chuck & CJ
Me & my turtle
Chuck & Alyssa
Scotty
Isn't he a cutie pie?

Stability

2005-10-31T04:56:00.000-08:00

CJ & Daddy

Big Mike, Little Mason, Chuck & CJ (By the way, Chuck is six feet tall and Mike makes him look like a shrimp! Mason and CJ are only four months apart)

Mason and CJ
Checking each other out

Mike and Chuck have been best friends since 1st grade. They couldn't be more different and yet so alike. Mike often walks around in a Confederate Flag t-shirt with a dead dear in the back of his truck. Chuck needless to say doesn't fly the Confederate flag and hates hunting. Both, though, have big hearts full of acceptance and love for each other. When they get together, they can spend hours just talking, laughing and usually cooking out. Their friendship if inspiring to me. I often just sit back and watch them, because I simply cannot imagine having someone in my life that I have known since 1st grade. I've often said that Chuck and I had opposite childhoods. He lived in the same home for nearly twenty years, I hopped from home to home and bed to bed until I was eleven. He knows all about stability while it took me years to accept that I was going to get to keep my new mother. I think that that's one of the hardest things for new adoptive parents to remember. While they are stable and set in their ways, kids coming into their homes from the foster care system simply have no concept of stability. That's why stealing food and being destructive is okay with the kids. In their head it's "you'd better go ahead and get this food because it probably won't be here in the morning." A child out of the foster care system expects to move again, regardless of all the reassurance the adoptive parents give. It takes trust to begin to believe that you may not lose it all again, and trust is hard to earn from a kid whose been lied to and abandoned over and over again. Ultimately, it takes giving them stability. Showing, through actions not words, that you are the real deal...saying what you mean and meaning what you say, not backing down when you've set rules and always being where you say you're going to be. Stability is the key. Kids who are in a new adoptive placement need structure and schedule. We've spent our whole lives up until then wondering what comes next. If the adoptive parent takes that wonder out then that's one less thing that child has to worry about. I can't say I've got a friend I've known since 1st grade, but I can say that I've had my best friend since I was eleven...my mama.

Babysitting Fun

2005-10-29T05:21:00.000-07:00

Joey and CJ
Nando
Look at that big smile
Tabby and Nando
Paloma, Tabby & Lily (Pajama Party!)
CJ with his own Bubba troup to entertain him

Yesterday afternoon my mom called to see if I could babysit while she went to pick up Fabian from The Ranch. Her initial babysitting plans had fallen through and she needed me by 2:30 (it was 1:30 when she called). Of course, I bundled CJ up and Lena and I ran right over. Why did I drop everything and come to the rescue? Not because I'm super daughter but because I believe in my heart that our family works because of our willingness to contribute to it. I've seen my college-age brothers sit cuddle with Tabby as she is having a meltdown. I've watched some of our more emotionally needy kids give up mom's lap so that I could cry on it (and I was in my twenties!). If mom needs to drop Nando & Tabby off at 7:30 am so she can go to IEP meetings then so be it. I look at it as my contribution back to the family that has given me so much love, joy and happiness. And let's not forget, I get great pictures out of my babysitting times!

On another note, notice Tabby & Nando in the pictures. What a difference from when they first came to live with our family. I remember how scared they looked, like deer in headlights. Just eight months later they are happy, goofy kids, learning to feel secure and loved. They have a long way to go, but I am so proud to be a part of their growth.

Reunions...

2005-10-27T07:07:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I was watching a talk show about adopted children reuniting with birth parents. Lena was watching it with me, and I warned her that I was about to get mad. To me, those shows are like watching a train wreck about to happen in slow motion, I can't look away, even though I should. Of course, the show pissed me off. As the now adult child sadly looks into the camera and pleads to find her birth mother, the birth mother walks out behind her and surprises her. The adult child is excited, but then I can see that look come across her face. Perhaps only I catch on to it (although Lena was pretty insightful about it as well), that slight "uh-oh" look saying "what have I gotten myself into?". I know because I was there a couple of years ago. What gets me about these shows is that they then send the birth mom and child off on a luxurious vacation so they can get to know each other. Hasn't the birth mom had enough of a vacation? What about the REAL parents, the ones who wiped her nose when she was sick and held her when she was sad? The ones that wept for joy when she became theirs? Shouldn't they be the ones going on the vacation? Aren't they the heroes here? Of course, that's not the exciting stuff that the tv people want you to see. What happens when all the lights are out in the studio and the real stuff starts? When the now adult child begins to ask the hard questions, like "WHY???". Why did you choose drugs over me? Why didn't you fight to keep me? What was more important than me? I'll tell you what happens...the reality of the truth sets in and it hurts worse than a knife being stabbed in and out of your heart over and over again. Then, slowly, healing begins. It's been a couple of years now since this process started for me. In the very beginning, I couldn't walk into a room without busting out crying. I spent what seemd like forever crying what seemed like endless tears into my mom's t-shirts...my REAL mom. Then, slowly, I began to come out of it. All the anger and fear and hurt ever so slowly began to melt away. With God's help, I began to laugh and be happy again. I began to truly understand that God does not give us more than we can handle. I began to realize that had she not done what she did, I would not have ever had my REAL family. And I began to thank God for all He has blessed me with, instead of continuing to ask why. I realized that no matter what, no answer to my "why" question would be good enough. I know I've come a long way, but I also know I have a ways to go. Now that I'm a mom, I don't dwell on it, but I know it's still there. It's something I work on and with God's help I will one day be completely healed from all my hurt. I truly believe that.

My Cookie Monster

2005-10-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

Looking like a big boy
Big Feet!

CJ's Dedication Sunday

2005-10-24T05:24:00.000-07:00

I know this pic is sideways, but I wanted a picture of his satin shoes.
In deep thought.
Me and CJ
Daddy and CJ
CJ with his Papa Charlie
Days just don't get better than this. Yesterday was so awesome for Chuck and I. After a hectic morning trying to make sure everything was perfect for CJ's dedication at church, we enjoyed a beautiful baby dedication. Our Pastor Tony did a fantastic job and it was so exciting to have so much of our family up there with us, joining us in dedicating our son back to the Lord. Our Pastor actually joked that the church was going to tilt if some of my family didn't line up on the other side of the altar (there must have been fifty family members up there with us!)...what a testimony to God's love within our family.

In thinking about the dedication I couldn't help but think of the contrast between how we are raising our son and how I was raised the first eleven years of my life. There was no aknowledgement that I was a gift from God or a committment to raising me in a Christian home, always pointing me to the cross. The opposite was in place when I was a baby. I think that's why CJ's dedication means so much to me. Yesterday it was like all my life's woes melted away as I aknowledged this perfect gift from God. It's so easy to question "why" for all the bad things, and overlook the abundant blessings God sends our way. In CJ, I see God's love for me.

Another thing that crossed my mind in the midst of all this dedication fun, is that without my mama none of this would have happened. I am so thankful to her for taking me to church and more importantly, for being such a good example of what a God-fearing Christian woman and mother is. I've said it before and I'll say ot again, without her I would not be who I am.

Lastly, I could not imagine raising our son with a better man than my husband. What an awesome example CJ has to look up to. While I only began to learn about God when I was adopted, Chuck was born into a loving, Christian home, where he was brought up to be a man of God. Chuck once said that he felt he had no testimony to tell, since he was saved at an early age and never really fell away from church. All the testimonies he had ever heard were from people who had been so far away from God and then came to His saving grace. While I thank God for these people, I think that perhaps Chuck's testimony is one of the sweestest to God's ears. Perhaps in churches, we should also have these testimonies given, so that young people being raised in the church have an example of what staying in church looks like, since such a high percentage of kids raised in church often rebel before coming back to God. Again, I thank God for loving me enough to bless me as Chuck's wife. He is so good to me and to our son. He has made it possible for me to stay home with CJ, while he works and supports us. I am honored every day to wake up next to him and I pray that CJ will always know what an amazing daddy he has.

Lena the Mouse Hunter

2005-10-19T05:55:00.000-07:00

She only looks sweet and innocent.
We've been on a mouse hunt for three days now. Since it's getting chilly outside, the field mice are fiding refuge in our warm house. That is NOT cool with me. So far, we've caught five (three inside and two in our garage). I refuse to believe the mice will win, so I have been watching Lena and Chuck on a rampage, catching the mice with such determination that it makes me proud. Of course, I am scared of mice, so I watch from the sofa with my feet up (usually nursing CJ, which is a sight to see as my eyes are filled with terror and my precious son is happily eating away). Yesterday, Lena (my sister-in-law) earned her last name of Bodie. She spotted yet anot her mouse and then saw it go into her room. She immediately went on high alert, tracking the mouse throughout the room and finally trapping him behind the dresser, where she blocked off both sides and put no less than three mouse traps with peanut butter. But, she was not content to just let the mouse find teh trap on his own time, oh no! She was determined to be there when the mouse came to it's tragic ending (I forgot to mention that earlier, when she walked into her room she swore the mouse tried to attack her...so she was out for personal revenge!). No less than four hours later, the very intellgent mouse had yet to be caught. Lena had had enough. She changed into clothes more suited for warfare (she even put her hood on in case of enemy fire) and the next thing I knew, she was on her back on the floor, lifting the dresser with her feet while she tried to run the mouse out with a wire hanger that had been made into her weapon of choice. She even tried to talk to the mouse and explain that he had already eaten some of the poison, so his fighting was futile. He didn't listen to her. Every now and then, though, he would stick his head out and laugh at Lena, which would send her onto the bed, squealing as he mocked her. The funniest part was when her husband, Jesse called and asked what she was doing. "Oh, nothing really, just trying to catch a mouse" as if it were really no big deal to her. I, of course, told him the true story of how his wife had turned into a huntress on the attack against a small defenseless mouse. It was hilarious. The ending? She went to bed last night defeated by this mouse, as he had not yet been caught. I am waiting on her to wake up to get a full report of what happened in that bedroom last night...

Way too Cute

2005-10-17T05:08:00.000-07:00

The CJ and Alyssa Show

2005-10-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

Notice the mess behind her...she thought Aunt Yolie's entertainment center needed to be emptied.
Tameshia and CJ (and Lena in the back)
My Safari Baby (and Husband)
Safari Baby waving to camera
CJ and Alyssa having a great time with the Exersaucer
Hand eye coordination exercises
In the midst of the chaos she created.
Isn't she fashionable in her leopard print?

Family Therapy

2005-10-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

Today I sat in on a family therapy session for one of my younger brothers who lives in a residential setting. While I understand many of the reasons behind the questions that were being asked and the issues that were being discussed, I couldn't help but feel bad for my mom. Here she is, trying to get help for my brother, who is dealing with some serious issues with violence, stealing, etc, and the majority of the session seemed to focus on what she and the other family members were doing to contribute to my brother's issues. Now, in a "regular" family where the child is with their birth family, then I can see where this issue might make more sense. The problem I have with this in an adoptive family is that the "reason" behind the acting out and issues with family do not stem from the adoptive parent, yet, in the name of "fixing" the child, professionals are taught that it must stem from some dynamic in the family. But wait, our mom did not do all this to us, our birth moms did, so where does that fit in? We are not a dysfunctional family in need of family therapy, we are children with dysfunctional coping mechanisms living in a functional family, with a mother trying her hardest to give us some sense of normalcy. And yet, she must sit there while her children lie and make her out to be the bad guy, because if and when she defends herself, she is seen as having control issues or being insensitive to her children's perceptions of what is going on in the family. Of course, the kid is rarely ever called out when he is flat out lying about something that is happening in the family, because that is his perception and he is entitled to it. What about my mom though? Isn't she entitled to some dignity? Not only does she have to deal with her kids acting out, she must also prove to outsiders that she is not the reason behind her kid's behaviors. She is dissected like a frog and all her behaviors are also questioned and I simply do not see the appropriateness of that. Suddenly, her drive to better herself through higher education, and even her God-given purpose of adopting large sibling groups proves that she is an overachiever who must demand too much of her children, thus causing their violent, angry, withdrawn and difficult issues. Now, perhaps that is not what the professionals are thinking, but it sure made me upset to watch my mom have to defend herself and her family. As professionals dealing with adopted children, we must remember that adopted kids are already looking for a reason not to trust their parents as well as a reason to blame them for what the birth parents did. We must be sensitive to this and try to find a happy medium, where we can listen to the child, but not blame the adoptive parent. After all, aren't they blamed enough???

Notes

2005-10-10T05:51:00.000-07:00

CJ turned over for the first time this morning! He has also found his voice, which means I get to listen to hours of "ahahahahah" anh "hoohoohoohoo". I LOVE IT!!! Last night, I ended up on Chuck's side of the bed because CJ thought he needed one half of our king size bed for his nighttime gymnastics...I LOVE IT! While Chuck was holding him and checking his e-mail, he put a toy Jeep in front of CJ. Of course, that's when CJ decided to show off his new trick and reach for the Jeep anf grab it. I've never seen a prouder dad. His grin said it all..."My son's a
Jeepster!" (which is a good thing, since his nursery is Jeep themed).

My sister-in-law Lena has been spending alot of time with me and I am really enjoying getting to know her. Jesse did a great job of marrying a fantastic woman. It already feels like we've been friends for years, and that's tough with someone like me who hardly ever lets new people into my close circle of friends (which pretty much consists of my sisters and Audrey and Tameshia).

Love is Hard

2005-10-06T09:03:00.000-07:00

I was not an easy teenager to raise. Many people look at me now and assume that I always behaved well and never gave my mom any trouble. They see how close we are and assume that it was an easy realtionship to form. This is not the case. As a teenager, I had more than my share of difficulties. I made some poor choices, including moving out of my mom's house the minute I turned eighteen, even though I was still in high school and needed my mom then more than any other time before. Our relationship was strained for a few months after that, and it took work to get to the place we are at now, where we can't go one day (okay, two hours) without at least talking on the phone. I write this because I want adoptive parents to understand that just like kids can't see into the future when they are making bad choices, neither can they. It' so easy to get caught up in the moment and forget that "this too shall pass." When I moved out of my mom's house, it had nothing to do with the reason I gave. It was all about rejection and survival. I was sure that at eighteen my mom would no longer want me...after all she had no real reason to keep me around, I was not her real daughter. Because of my intense fear of this, I chose to hurt her first. That way, I was in control of the pain. I had so many feelings during this time. I felt bad for hurting my mom, but at the same time, I felt that I had saved myself another rejection. On some level, I also wanted my mom to feel the pain that I had felt all my life. Why? She was not the one that inflicted that pain on me. All she did was try to take it away. Why? Because it was easier to take it out on her than to deal with the ugly truth that was eating me alive inside. Looking back on that time, I am so sorry for the hurt I caused my mom. I remember talking to her on the phone the night I moved out, listening to her cry and telling me that she would wait on the porch for me to come home. She loved me so much even in the midst of the hell I was putting her through. The problem was, I could not look past my own pain and fear to see that. I know that my mom took my actions very personally. I'm sure she wondered why I had chosen this path, and what she could have done differently to avoid this. Truth is, she couldn't have done anything except what she did. She loved me through it, all the while never lowering her expectations of me. She made it very clear that my actions were not appropriate, but she also made it very clear that she loved me and that she would be there once I chose to become a part of our family again. It couldn't have been easy. Now that I am a mother, I cannot imagine how it would feel if CJ did the same thing to me. I get upset and blame myself when he has gas, I can't imagine how my mom felt. My hope for this blog is that another adoptive parent will read it and remember that their child's past is not their fault. So, if the past is not your fault, then the actions that the past produce in your children are not your fault either. As adopted kids we wrongly put the blame on our adoptive parents, because it is easier. I plead with adoptive parents not to do the same thing. Do not wrongly blame yourself. We will make mistakes, especially as we begin to deal with the pain from our childhood. That is when we need our parents to have their head on straight, not be guiltridden and broken down. When the reality of where are pain comes from comes crashing down around us, we will need a soft place to land, and that is when you become a hero in our eyes (the hero you've always been but we were to hurt to see). Yes, you are allowed a short pity party when we trample on your hearts (as we often do), but only a short one, because you must remember that God never gives you more than you can handle. And, as with my mom and I, odds are that in time life will get better. My mom is now my best friend. I truly believe that had we not gone through what we did when I was a teenager, I would not have really seen her love for me. In closing, I'd like to apologize to adoptive parents for the heartbreak that we often put you through. I'd like to apologize for not being able to scream and rage at the right person, instead laying it all at your feet and walking away. It's not fair and I apologize for all the kids that are not there yet, who are so entrenched in their pain that they are lashing out at you. I'm sorry, and my prayer is is one day very soon, they will be healed enough to tell you that themselves. I'm sorry and thank you.

Loss issues

2005-10-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

My house is just now getting back to normal after hosting Alyssa's first birthday party. We must have had well over fifty people at our house on Saturday. It was a great party, and Alyssa was her usual funny self. I've been busy shuttling various relatives to appointments, with the hardest one being Alyssa's one year shots. CJ is doing great, and he is getting so big right now. He went through a pretty big growth spurt last week, which left me exhausted since he was wanting to nurse pretty much ALL the time. He's getting back to normal now, though.

I wanted to write today about loss, once again. I write about it so much because it's such a fundamental piece of an adopted child's life. Loss is pretty much the reason behind all of the difficult times an adopted child and parent goes through. And while it would seem that after so much loss, a person would just learn to live with it, just the opposite happens. In my case, I take loss very hard. Sometimes I wonder why I have to endure so much loss, then I remember that I have no room to complain, because no one suffered more than Jesus did on the cross, and He did so willingly and lovingly. But, since I am human, of course I get mad and upset when, yet again, I have to deal with another loss. Sometimes I think, "God, haven't I been through enough?" or "What, God, you want to teach me a lesson about loss?" Of course, everyone deals with losses in their lifetime. It's about the only thing that is guaranteed. What I cannot figure out, though, is why I take every loss so personally. Sometimes I wonder if "normal" people take each loss as another brick to add to their wall. I think maybe not. For adopted kids, every loss is just another example of why we aren't worthy of good things. Losses compound our feelings of rejection and anger, because even when someone passes away, we immediately think of how one more person has left us behind. Now, as an adult, I have worked through many of these feelings and I feel that I can now view loss in a more healthy way (notice a said a more healthy way, not a totally healthy way) because I don't think that I will ever be able to have a loss and not resort to my old feelings of rejection. All I can do is continue to work on it. Loss is hard for everyone, but I do believe that adopted kids face a more difficult road in a life where loss is inevitable, and others just don't seem to understand why saying goodbye to someone is just so hard for us.

Pictures

2005-09-30T04:59:00.000-07:00

Is this a Bubba (JoJo maybe?)??
Carlos Alexander...so cute!
CJ is a very happy baby!
Carolina and her daughter (twins or what?)
Sarah happy as a clam with Ray and Tommie
CJ lying on Abuelita's stomach (doesn't he look comfy?)
I think my old boss understands why I left work for this little bundle of joy
CJ didn't like his new church outfit

Suspicion

2005-09-29T05:15:00.000-07:00

Adopted children are often very suspicious of their adoptive parents (or any adult for that matter). I bring this up because I have spent the last couple of days at my mom's house, just hanging out and watching my family (as I often do). It occurred to me that Mama hardly ever goes one day without someone acting out, whether it be her two year old's utter disregard for her rules (like "Tabby, for the MILLIONTH time, do not touch that) or her three year old's need to make toast ALL DAY LONG, regardless of Mama's request for him to stop, or her teenage daughter's need (?) to get into a fistfight at school. Why is Mama's life so filled with children who seem to thrive in a state of uneasiness all the time? The answer, in my humble opinion, is simply trust. It takes years for true trust to be developed between an adoptive parent and their child. The children are all too often suspicious of everything the adoptive parent does. I can remember times as a young teenager, just looking to find something my Mom did that would cause me to go "Yep! I told you so (speaking to myself), she can't be trusted either!" When she didn't do anything, like lie to me or ignore me, then I would make something up in my head. I would just assume that her need to go get groceries meant that she would rather do that than spend time with me. This is how the mind of an adopted child works. If we can find a reason to discredit the parent, then we have won. What have we won, you ask? Sadly, we have won the battle not to attach to another adult who will hurt us. It is easier for an adopted child to find something wrong with their adopted parents and therefore continue to keep up their walls of defense around their heart, than to admit that they are indeed loved and that their new parents can indeed be trusted. Remember, it takes bulldozers to bring walls down, and bulldozers no doubt hurt. So, it's easier for an adopted child to keep those walls up, you see. A good example of this is Mom's recent encounter with Edgar, my seventeen year old brother. As she's coming home from picking up our sisters, he hollers out the window, accusingly, to ask where she had been. I bet he was having a panic attack, thinking, "I let this woman into my heart, where the heck is she?? I KNEW I COULDN'T TRUST HER!" And then, of course, since Mom wasn't out dancing the night away, I can just imagine the big sigh of relief on his part (of course, he'll never admit to this...he's way too cool). Another example is when Mama's bubbas complain that she is ALWAYS gone. Mom NEVER leaves the house, unless she's picking someone up or doing something like visiting another child in residential treatment. Again, we make things up in our heads in order not to trust. If Mom is ALWAYS gone, then it's okay for us to assume that she will someday leave us for good. Yes, it's warped thinking, but it's what keeps most foster children alive. If we "hurt" children allowed every new adult into our hearts, imagine the pain when the majority of them let you down. That's what RAD is, people. It's a kid who's had enough, and whose mind decides it's just not worth the effort to love anymore. Sad, sad position for a child to be in, but a position they are put in nonetheless. So, my lesson for today is simple. Understand that adopted children's walls are harder to break down than anything you can imagine. Then, make sure you mean what you say, because any deviation from your tongue (whether by words or actions) will be taken as a betrayal of our trust in you.

Aging Out

2005-09-26T05:20:00.000-07:00

My life is so good. I am thankful to God every day for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me and my family. As I think of all the terrible things that could have happened to me, I have to stop and pause for a minute, because I know that I was spared so much more pain and hurt. When I was eleven, I came to live with my family. Before then, I spent time in foster care and with my bio mother, who put drugs, alcohol and men before her children. Even through all the horrible things that did happen to me, I know that God always had a plan for my life. With that said, it breaks my heart to think about all the kids who don't make it out of the system. I wonder what it feels like not to have a mom to call when exciting things happen, or somewhere to go for Thanksgiving dinner. So many kids age out of the foster care system, without so much as a leg to stand on. They truly have nobody. How do we allow that to happen? As a society, we hardly allow abandoned pets to go without shelter and love. It breaks our hearts to see mistreated animals (and it should), but my question is, where is all the outpouring of concern for those kids who have spent their entire lives wishing they had just one person reach out to them? I think allowing children to age out of the foster care system is one of the tragedies of our time. We put them out to die. Perhaps not a physical death (although I suspect those numbers are high), but an emotional one. Of course these kids end up on the welfare or prison rolls, they have to eat. How do kids stay in foster care for ten years? That's just wrong, no matter which way you slice it. Again, it's all about the parent's rights to finish their caseplan. What about the children's rights????? Shouldn't they at least get a chance to see if another family is willing to adopt them? It just really bothers me. We treat children like they don't matter, and then we spend millions of dollars doing studies on why the newer generations are messed up. Uh, I can tell you...we don't invest in them nearly as much as we do our cars, pets, homes, or even our lawns. I beleive that God weeps over the way we treat the world's children. And I believe that the time will come when our country will have to answer for the pitiful way our kids are tossed around and mistreated.

"Big Al"

2005-09-24T05:31:00.000-07:00

Alyssa's Jealousy

2005-09-24T05:13:00.000-07:00

Is it me, or is CJ laughing in Alyssa's face?
Alyssa couldn't take it anymore. Her mama BETTER give CJ to HIS mama and pick HER up!
CJ loves his Grandpa

Stuck in the cabinet

2005-09-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

While Joe was cooking us enchiladas, Alyssa got stuck in the cabinet.

Happy Anniversary, Mom!

2005-09-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

I am twenty five years old. Fourteen years ago this week, I met my mother for the first time. It was a terrifying experience, holding nothing but sadness and fear for me. I was eleven years old at the time, and I thought I had the world figured out. I thought that all adults were liars and would hurt us, so I had made it very clear to anyone who would listen that I DID NOT want to be adopted, and especially not outside of my home state of Texas. Thank God my caseworker did not listen to me. As an adoption worker, I heard over and over again other workers tell me that a certain child would not be adopted because "they said they didn't want to be." I have a hard time with this. What do you mean they don't want to be adopted? It's not a choice a child can make, even a "grown-up" mature eleven year old like me. Of course an older child will say they don't want to be adopted. They have no concept of what a decent family life is like, all they know is that parents hurt you, and why in the world would they opt for that again if given a choice? Been there, done that. As adoption workers, we have to be very careful not to allow traumatized children to make choices like that. So am I saying to totally disregard a child's wishes? No. I'm saying to take into account that children do not have the ability to look past their pain and see that something really good, like a family to come home to for Christmas, is really something they do want. Heck, DFCS often disregards children's wishes, often placing them back with parents who hurt them even though they are screaming that they don't want to go back. Why do they do that? Because they feel that they have made an informed decision, and that the child is better off with their family than in foster care, and they know the child isn't capable of making that choice. So, what's the difference between that and sending a screaming 11 year old to an adoptive placement? We make choices for children's lives every day. At least the choice to try an adoptive placement before saying "they just don't want it" could turn out to be great for the child.

When I came to Georgia, my caseworker literally had to pry me off of the seats in the El Paso airport and drag me into the plane crying and screaming. I did not want to be adopted. I was so sad that first year in my adoptive home. Thank God that my mom didn't send me back because "I wasn't bonding." She stuck with me and my brothers, even as she was having a very difficult time in her own personal life. She loved us through our fear that first year and I am so grateful she is my mom. Now, fourteen years later, you'd have to pry me off of the Atlanta airport seats kicking and screaming to get me to go back to my old life. I am so glad that my caseworker didn't listen to me when I said I didn't want to be adopted. It would have made her job so much easier, as my two cuter and younger siblings were very "adoptable" without their parentified older sister in the picture. But, she kept us together, all the while searching for a home for all three of us, knowing that if one didn't come soon, she'd have to split us up and ruin our lives. Of course, then my mom called. She had seen a grainy picture of us (actually, it was a black and white copy of a picture and she couldn't see what we looked like at all) and had read our description, and she was interested. She kept at it, and FINALLY, after way too long, we came home. I am so thankful for my family. I am proud to be a part of it and I am proud to be my mom's daughter. And I am so glad that I have somewhere to go for Christmas dinner...

Carlos Alexander

2005-09-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

Deysi had to have a C-section, due to Baby Carlos being too big for her to push out of her tiny pelvis. Here are some pics of him right after he was born. Deysi and Carlos are ecstatic.
The proud parents
Check out those LONG fingers!
Little Carlos was trying to get his head through his mama's little pelvis! It'll be all nice and round tomorrow!
Love at first sight
Sweet Baby

Coolest Gift Ever...

2005-09-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

Check out what my darling husband ordered for me! Now I have no excuse for non-gourmet meals every day! I can't wait until it gets here!
http://www.shopathometv.com/index.html?OID=74103

Birthday Boy

2005-09-20T05:26:00.000-07:00

Today is my little brother's birthday. He is 20 years old. It's so hard to believe that he is that old. I can remember the day he was born, the day he came home, the day he had surgery on his throat and I had to take care of him. Although I was only five when he came into this world, I automatically knew that he was my responsibility. I loved him from the moment I laid eyes on him. Not like a typical older sister, who thinks he's cute and plays with him until she gets bored, but as a caretaker. I wanted to protect him from everything around us, and I spent the next six years doing just that. I cannot say enough about my baby brother. He makes me so proud every day. He is very intelligent, good-looking, athletic and funny. He is caring and loving and giving. He loves his family and he loves God, and I am so grateful that God thought enough of me to make me his sister. He's so cool.

The only good memories I have of my early childhood include my brothers. And the majority of my good memories as an adult include my brothers. This brother in particular means so much to me, and he knows it. I know when he reads this, he will probably shrug it off, as he's not much into the emotional stuff I tend to lean towards, but I want him to know that he means the world to me. I want to thank him for making me so proud and for making such a success out of himself. I want him to know that I admire and look up to him. He is one of my heroes. So, Happy Birthday Little Brother...I love you more than you'll ever know.

Not up to blogging...

2005-09-20T04:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not feeling very well. As soon as I'm better, I will blog some more.

pics

2005-09-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

Why are you taking my picture, mama?
playing with a new toy My sister Deysi and her husband, Carlos

Deysi three days from her due date!

SAHM

2005-09-17T06:11:00.000-07:00

I am so blessed to be able to be a stay-at-home mother. I find it to be the most rewarding "job" in the world. I am glad that I get the early morning snuggles, without having to worry about getting out the door in time. I am glad that I am experiencing all the "firsts" with CJ. For example, he just started reaching for my face when I am nursing him. It is so sweet. I know that not everyone can be a stay-at-home mom (although I do believe MANY can, but the sacrifices in budget living is not something they want to do), and I thank God every day that I can.

I know that one of my biggest reasons for wanting to be a SAHM (stay-at-home mom) has to do with my intense need to be a good mother. I want to give CJ all the advantages I didn't have as a young child. I want him to feel secure and loved all the time. People have asked me if I miss work yet. The truth is, I hardly think about it. At some point, I am sure I'll want to get involved somehow with adoption (as I do have a passion for it) but right now, I feel that my duty is to raise a child who will be a productive member of society. If everyone made that their priority, then there would be no need for adoption workers or DFCS offices.

Now, I know that many people think that I am just "lucky" to stay home. That statement is one of my biggest pet peeves. I am not lucky. Chuck and I worked hard to get to this point. We started dating our senior year in high school, and continued dating all the way through my Masters Degree and his Bachelors Degree. We made a conscious decision not to live together until after we were married, and we always tried to keep our heads on straight. Right from the time we knew we'd get married, we discussed our dreams. One of mine was to be a SAHM. Chuck was in total agreement, so we waited until we were financially able to begin trying to have children. Yes, it is a sacrifice. Sometimes, Chuck works from 8am to 8pm in order for us to have everything we need. I am so proud to be his wife. He often tells me that while he's at work, he thinks about us at home and he's glad to work extra hours so that CJ and I can be comfortable. So, you see, it is not luck my any means. It is hard work and sacrifice that will allow me to see my son's first steps (and not a babysitter). As he sleeps now, I look at him and wonder how I could ever drop him off somewhere and go to work. Thank God that He has blessed us.

Loss Issues

2005-09-14T12:58:00.000-07:00

Jeffrey, our gineau pig, died yesterday morning. It's amazing how sad I felt about it when Chuck told me. We've had him pretty much the entire time we've lived in this house. Now, with Zeus (our beautiful Great Pyrenees) and Jeffrey both gone, the house seems very quiet. Thank God that CJ has already been born, because if I was in this house alone, without Zeus or Jeffrey, I'd feel weird. I am sad to know that CJ will not know either of these pets that Chuck and I loved so much. I do find it odd that we lost both our pets in less than three months time. Chuck wants to get an American Mastiff now. We're both dog people and it doesn't feel right not to have a dog.

As I said, I was surprised at how sad the loss was for me. I guess any loss is hard for me, since I have "issues" with saying good-bye and anything that has to do with loss. It's important for adoptive parents to understand this. Even as an adult, I have difficulty (I believe above "normal" people) saying goodbye. It just brings back so many sad memories. Oftentimes, it's the goodbyes that adoptive parents don't even see that can raise intense fears in their children. Like the end of the school year or when a school friend moves away. The kids act out their fears of losing yet another piece of their lives, and the adoptive parents only see a kid being "bad." Loss is such a fundamental fear in adopted kids, and I've found myself dealing with it twice in a short period of time, both times with pets that I loved. Again, thank God for CJ...he brightens up my life!

Just another day at Abuelita's House

2005-09-14T05:34:00.000-07:00

CJ gets so much loving at Mama's house! Here's him with his Aunt Sarah. They had a good 'ol time walking around the house. As Mama often says, babies in our family are "pass-around kids" who don't see the ground for their first year of life! I'm so blessed my son is growing up with so much love!

Finally

2005-09-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

I hit the send button...
No huge weight off my shoulders yet...
It's just sad all the way around.

CJ's New Swing & Alyssa's Big Girl Bath

2005-09-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

Someone had a big dinner!
What's this?
What does this do?
Caught red handed!
Eating Rubber Ducky
Yipee!
I'm a big girl, now!
CJ loves his new swing Nana & Papa bought him!
Too sweet!
Mac Daddy Swing!!
Is being this cute legal?

Pressing "Send"

2005-09-13T05:23:00.000-07:00

So, I still haven't sent that e-mail to my birth sister. I have written and re-written it, I've had my mom proofread it, and still, I haven't managed to hit the "send" button. I've been thinking alot about it, and I'm really not sure why I haven't sent it. My mom told me not to hit that button if I "had a check in my spirit" about it. Well, I guess that's what's going on. I'm just not feeling settled about it yet. It's not the decision I'm concerenced with, I know that I do not want to have a relationship. I think it's the notion that it's yet another finality in my life. You know, just another unfair thing I'm being asked to do. Now, it is very rare you hear me moan and groan and complain about my lot in life. I prefer to "assign meaning to my suffering" as Dr. Phil puts it (yes, too much daytime tv!). I almost always try to help others with what I've learned through my life experiences. But, for some reason, this e-mail thing has be thinking alot about the unfairness of it all. The "whys" are enough to kill someone, but I wouldn't be human if I did not struggle with them...still. Maybe that's what's bothering me. Why is it still so difficult for me to face these things. No matter how "healed" I think I am, when unexpected things happen that deal with my past, they automatically knock me off balance and I inevitably spend too much time dwelling on it. It's like ripping the scab off again, as my mother puts it. Whis is exactly why I know that a relationship with these people is the last thing I need. My son doesn't need a mom who is absorbed in past drama, and my husband doesn't need a wife like that either. And God did not bless me with the BEST husband and son for me to dwell on the past. My priority is them and my family now. But, how do I say that so someone who went through many of the same terrible things I did, but never got out? Yes, she is not the type of person I want or need in my life, but she is that way because she was made to be, through years and years of abuse from our birth mother. Thank God, I was only a part of that for around ten years. Again, I go back to the unfairness of it all, or as one of my younger sibs once said when he was mad at mom for something, "that's too fair!" Nobody should have to make choices based on what other people did to them. I know that my decision will make me look like a cold, heartless person to my birth sister. If only I could get her to understand that we were all put in these situations by our birth mother, and I am only trying to do the best I can with a difficult situation. But, she won't see that because she is still held hostage by my birth mother's antics. She actually (along with birth mom) tried to convince me and my brother that things "weren't that bad" and the authorities "just had it out for them." Yeah, right. People don't go to prison for criminal child endangerment if things "really aren't that bad." Our birth mother hurt us terribly, and for some reason, she is still able to reach across time and space and continue to wreak havoc in my life. I know that is power that I give her, and I am working on that, with God's help. I've come a long way...she no longer scares me and that was a big step. Now, I could only get to a point where she doesn't make me mad...
Maybe I'll hit that send button now, since my gut tells me that she's more behind the contact than my birth sister anyway.

Choices

2005-09-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, I was put in a difficult position. I have written before about my older birth sister, Ronnie. Well, I also have another birth sister, who is older than me but younger than Ronnie. Due to some very good reasons, I chose not to have a relationship with her or my birth mother when we were all "reunited" a couple of years ago. I made myself very clear abut this. My reasons include that fact that they are both still involved in drama that I just don't need. They are still stuck in the dysfunctional chaos that caused me so much pain in my early years. Anyway, while opening my e-mail, I found a letter from my birth sister, asking me to please give her a chance. She went on to tell me that she "remembers the good times we had as sisters," which only proves my theory that she lives in denial-land. If we had had very good times, then odds are we wouldn't have been in foster care, where she was abusive to me. Now, I know the reasons behind her aggressiveness...she was abused as well. And, when we were "reunited" I had not completely made up my mind about a relationship with her. It wasn't until she began forcing our birth mother on me (who I had made my mind up ) that I started having second thoughts. Also, when I found out that she did not protect her own children from our birth father (who abused us), instead allowing him to move in with her and her children (again, he abused us!). These are just not the type of people I need in my life. With that said, it is very difficult for me to be "mean." It took all I had to tell her over the phone about a year ago that I did not want her to call me or contact me again. See, I deal with lots of issues surrounding guilt. It's one of my "issues." So, when I received the e-mail, I felt like I should somehow respond. But, do I just say, "Thanks, but no thanks," "I'm just not ready right now," or do I give her an explanation about why? Mind you, I not only have myself to think about. I now have a son, and I made a promise I would not expose him to such things. These people did nothing but re-hurt us when they came back into the picture. Why, then, am I having such a hard time responding to the e-mail? My guess is that somehow, I feel guilty that I made it out and she didn't. It was by God's grace that I learned how to live in a family and be surrounded by love. Should I now then show her grace? Many people would probably say yes. But, take into account that if I do, I am guaranteed more hurt and pain. I was talking this out with my mom, and she asked me what I wanted her to say. Did I want her to "give me permission" to say no and be done with it, or did I want her to "give me permission" to open that door. The answer is easy, I do not want to open that door. Except, nothing like this is easy in the heart of an adopted child. So, I will work on the e-mail, somehow telling her"no," but not without a great sense of sadness at the entire situation we have been put in by someone who was supposed to be a mother.

Charity and Missions

2005-09-08T06:24:00.000-07:00

Like most, I have been glued to the television coverage of Hurriacane Katrina and all the devastation left behind. My heart has been heavy for all the people, especially the children, who are having to endure such horrific journeys. At the same time, I have been torn between how to best help. Our church has various outreaches going on right now, and I have been trying to figure out which one to participate in. I have gone through my closet and pulled out all the nice clothes that I will never wear again (mostly because I can't imagine ever being that small again, and also because some of if is very teeny-bopper and now that I'm a mom it would just look stupid). Anyway, my struggle with all of this has been what to give to the Hurricane survivors and what to give to my family members. For example, I have leftover diapers that CJ outgrew before I even opened the package. I know the survivors need diapers. I also know that I have siblings who are about to give birth, who would be very grateful for the help. I view my family as a mission field that is often overlooked. While many people go to third world countries and spend two weeks ministering (which is awesome, I've done it and it's very needed), my family is a twenty-four hour mission trip, complete with wounded and needy children. I spend alot of my time and energy on my family. I love it, and wouldn't change that for the world, but it does put in me in a spot every time a new charity needs help. My mom pointed out that it was just in my nature to give, and I do believe that's true. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it is often hard to figure out where to best put my energy. I truly feel that my contributions to my family are extremely important (as are all my family members' contributions). Our family simply would not work if we all didn't play a role. Chuck and I often give to various charities, usually through the church. But, we cannot give to everything. Yes, I could volunteer to feed the Hurricane survivors at our local shelter, or I could volunteer to babysit for mom when she needs to go to the grocery store so she can feed the birth family/foster care survivors. I do not know the answer. I have prayed that God show me clearly what He wants my contribution to be.

More CJ...

2005-09-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

CJ with Aunt Gina
CJ & Alyssa
My mummy boy (after his bath)

BATHTIME!!

Pictures

2005-09-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

Alyssa with her Daddy on the Beach
CJ practicing walking!
CJ with his Aunt Tara
CJ with his Papa
Such a cute smile...-
Alyssa walking the beach

The aftermath...

2005-09-07T05:29:00.000-07:00

CJ right before his shots (with his Tylenol!)
CJ before he knew anything about shots!
My Georgia Bulldog!

CJ and Tabby
CJ cracking up at his mama!
So, CJ did get his shots yesterday, although I had to leave the room because the thought of watching someone stab my child with a syringe made my skin crawl. My sweet husband stayed with him, and I could hear him trying to calm CJ down during all four shots. CJ's screams made me cry while and as soon as they were done, I ran into the room and picked him up to nurse him. He was so mad about the whole thing he even refused to nurse for a minute (very unlike him!). The rest of the day was tough, as he was fussy and cranky. I kept him filled up on Tylenol, so he wasn't too uncomfortable (I hope). He is much better this morning, although we had to give him his reflux medicine, which we had flavored at the Kroger pharmacy so that it isn't so nasty. He still hates it, but not as much. The grape flavor makes it at least tolerable to him. FYI to everyone locally with kids, the Kroger Pharmacy will flavor nasty medicine for a mere three dollars. They have a huge list of flavors to pick from, including cherry, bubble gum, etc.

Anyway, CJ was declared very healthy during his visit. He now weighs a whopping 12lbs 10 oz! The Dr. said, "well, I guess you're not having any trouble nursing!" That's an understatement! She also told me that her daughter nursed every three hours until she was a year old. That made me feel better, since people keep acting like CJ should be on a a four hour schedule already. He eats every two hours, morning and night, and as long as it works for us, then who cares what people think about it, huh? Hey, what can I say...CJ loves food!

Shots and Motherhood

2005-09-06T06:20:00.000-07:00

I have to take CJ to get his two month shots today. He gets FOUR whopping shots on two little, chubby legs. Poor baby. I've hardly slept for worrying about whether or not it will hurt him badly. I told mom how worried I was about it, and she told me that she never had a problem with it. She simply looked at it as a necessary thing and never really flinched when her babies had to get shots. I wonder if I'm overly sensitive to having CJ be in ANY pain (or even discomfort for that matter) because of my painful history? I know I tend to overdo things in order to "make up" for my past. For example, I am a huge over achiever. I couldn't get good grades in school, I had to make straight A's. I would cry if I got an A- instead of an A+. Mom and I have discusses this before, I we both tend to think that this overachieving is indeed a manifestation of my insecurities from childhood. But, since she's an overachiever as well, we both tend to agree that we will look at it not as an "issue" but as a positive quality. Now, back to CJ. I think I'll have to try really hard not to "overdo" motherhood. I want to be the best mom in the world, but I also have to come to the realization that if and when CJ hurts (whether it be from shots or from falling off a bike), it doesn't make me a bad mom. I do need to work on this. I find myself so worried about him being mad at me for something I did (like giving him his nasty reflux medicine), when in fact, he forgets about it within two minutes. Anyway, these are just my "issues" coming to the surface. At one point, when I was younger, I was terrified of being a mom. I told myself I'd never have kids, because I was so scared that I would not be a good mother...as if bad mothering ran in my genes or something. I had to work through those feelings and realize that I was not bound to my own bio mom's mistakes. Man, the "issues" we kids have to deal with are so far reaching. Of course, the people who "give" us these issues have no clue the longterm damage they can cause...but that's another blog. I'll make sure to update on how CJ did with his shots.