Suspicion

Adopted children are often very suspicious of their adoptive parents (or any adult for that matter). I bring this up because I have spent the last couple of days at my mom's house, just hanging out and watching my family (as I often do). It occurred to me that Mama hardly ever goes one day without someone acting out, whether it be her two year old's utter disregard for her rules (like "Tabby, for the MILLIONTH time, do not touch that) or her three year old's need to make toast ALL DAY LONG, regardless of Mama's request for him to stop, or her teenage daughter's need (?) to get into a fistfight at school. Why is Mama's life so filled with children who seem to thrive in a state of uneasiness all the time? The answer, in my humble opinion, is simply trust. It takes years for true trust to be developed between an adoptive parent and their child. The children are all too often suspicious of everything the adoptive parent does. I can remember times as a young teenager, just looking to find something my Mom did that would cause me to go "Yep! I told you so (speaking to myself), she can't be trusted either!" When she didn't do anything, like lie to me or ignore me, then I would make something up in my head. I would just assume that her need to go get groceries meant that she would rather do that than spend time with me. This is how the mind of an adopted child works. If we can find a reason to discredit the parent, then we have won. What have we won, you ask? Sadly, we have won the battle not to attach to another adult who will hurt us. It is easier for an adopted child to find something wrong with their adopted parents and therefore continue to keep up their walls of defense around their heart, than to admit that they are indeed loved and that their new parents can indeed be trusted. Remember, it takes bulldozers to bring walls down, and bulldozers no doubt hurt. So, it's easier for an adopted child to keep those walls up, you see. A good example of this is Mom's recent encounter with Edgar, my seventeen year old brother. As she's coming home from picking up our sisters, he hollers out the window, accusingly, to ask where she had been. I bet he was having a panic attack, thinking, "I let this woman into my heart, where the heck is she?? I KNEW I COULDN'T TRUST HER!" And then, of course, since Mom wasn't out dancing the night away, I can just imagine the big sigh of relief on his part (of course, he'll never admit to this...he's way too cool). Another example is when Mama's bubbas complain that she is ALWAYS gone. Mom NEVER leaves the house, unless she's picking someone up or doing something like visiting another child in residential treatment. Again, we make things up in our heads in order not to trust. If Mom is ALWAYS gone, then it's okay for us to assume that she will someday leave us for good. Yes, it's warped thinking, but it's what keeps most foster children alive. If we "hurt" children allowed every new adult into our hearts, imagine the pain when the majority of them let you down. That's what RAD is, people. It's a kid who's had enough, and whose mind decides it's just not worth the effort to love anymore. Sad, sad position for a child to be in, but a position they are put in nonetheless. So, my lesson for today is simple. Understand that adopted children's walls are harder to break down than anything you can imagine. Then, make sure you mean what you say, because any deviation from your tongue (whether by words or actions) will be taken as a betrayal of our trust in you.