Happy Anniversary, Mom!

I am twenty five years old. Fourteen years ago this week, I met my mother for the first time. It was a terrifying experience, holding nothing but sadness and fear for me. I was eleven years old at the time, and I thought I had the world figured out. I thought that all adults were liars and would hurt us, so I had made it very clear to anyone who would listen that I DID NOT want to be adopted, and especially not outside of my home state of Texas. Thank God my caseworker did not listen to me. As an adoption worker, I heard over and over again other workers tell me that a certain child would not be adopted because "they said they didn't want to be." I have a hard time with this. What do you mean they don't want to be adopted? It's not a choice a child can make, even a "grown-up" mature eleven year old like me. Of course an older child will say they don't want to be adopted. They have no concept of what a decent family life is like, all they know is that parents hurt you, and why in the world would they opt for that again if given a choice? Been there, done that. As adoption workers, we have to be very careful not to allow traumatized children to make choices like that. So am I saying to totally disregard a child's wishes? No. I'm saying to take into account that children do not have the ability to look past their pain and see that something really good, like a family to come home to for Christmas, is really something they do want. Heck, DFCS often disregards children's wishes, often placing them back with parents who hurt them even though they are screaming that they don't want to go back. Why do they do that? Because they feel that they have made an informed decision, and that the child is better off with their family than in foster care, and they know the child isn't capable of making that choice. So, what's the difference between that and sending a screaming 11 year old to an adoptive placement? We make choices for children's lives every day. At least the choice to try an adoptive placement before saying "they just don't want it" could turn out to be great for the child.

When I came to Georgia, my caseworker literally had to pry me off of the seats in the El Paso airport and drag me into the plane crying and screaming. I did not want to be adopted. I was so sad that first year in my adoptive home. Thank God that my mom didn't send me back because "I wasn't bonding." She stuck with me and my brothers, even as she was having a very difficult time in her own personal life. She loved us through our fear that first year and I am so grateful she is my mom. Now, fourteen years later, you'd have to pry me off of the Atlanta airport seats kicking and screaming to get me to go back to my old life. I am so glad that my caseworker didn't listen to me when I said I didn't want to be adopted. It would have made her job so much easier, as my two cuter and younger siblings were very "adoptable" without their parentified older sister in the picture. But, she kept us together, all the while searching for a home for all three of us, knowing that if one didn't come soon, she'd have to split us up and ruin our lives. Of course, then my mom called. She had seen a grainy picture of us (actually, it was a black and white copy of a picture and she couldn't see what we looked like at all) and had read our description, and she was interested. She kept at it, and FINALLY, after way too long, we came home. I am so thankful for my family. I am proud to be a part of it and I am proud to be my mom's daughter. And I am so glad that I have somewhere to go for Christmas dinner...