Love is Hard

I was not an easy teenager to raise. Many people look at me now and assume that I always behaved well and never gave my mom any trouble. They see how close we are and assume that it was an easy realtionship to form. This is not the case. As a teenager, I had more than my share of difficulties. I made some poor choices, including moving out of my mom's house the minute I turned eighteen, even though I was still in high school and needed my mom then more than any other time before. Our relationship was strained for a few months after that, and it took work to get to the place we are at now, where we can't go one day (okay, two hours) without at least talking on the phone. I write this because I want adoptive parents to understand that just like kids can't see into the future when they are making bad choices, neither can they. It' so easy to get caught up in the moment and forget that "this too shall pass." When I moved out of my mom's house, it had nothing to do with the reason I gave. It was all about rejection and survival. I was sure that at eighteen my mom would no longer want me...after all she had no real reason to keep me around, I was not her real daughter. Because of my intense fear of this, I chose to hurt her first. That way, I was in control of the pain. I had so many feelings during this time. I felt bad for hurting my mom, but at the same time, I felt that I had saved myself another rejection. On some level, I also wanted my mom to feel the pain that I had felt all my life. Why? She was not the one that inflicted that pain on me. All she did was try to take it away. Why? Because it was easier to take it out on her than to deal with the ugly truth that was eating me alive inside. Looking back on that time, I am so sorry for the hurt I caused my mom. I remember talking to her on the phone the night I moved out, listening to her cry and telling me that she would wait on the porch for me to come home. She loved me so much even in the midst of the hell I was putting her through. The problem was, I could not look past my own pain and fear to see that. I know that my mom took my actions very personally. I'm sure she wondered why I had chosen this path, and what she could have done differently to avoid this. Truth is, she couldn't have done anything except what she did. She loved me through it, all the while never lowering her expectations of me. She made it very clear that my actions were not appropriate, but she also made it very clear that she loved me and that she would be there once I chose to become a part of our family again. It couldn't have been easy. Now that I am a mother, I cannot imagine how it would feel if CJ did the same thing to me. I get upset and blame myself when he has gas, I can't imagine how my mom felt. My hope for this blog is that another adoptive parent will read it and remember that their child's past is not their fault. So, if the past is not your fault, then the actions that the past produce in your children are not your fault either. As adopted kids we wrongly put the blame on our adoptive parents, because it is easier. I plead with adoptive parents not to do the same thing. Do not wrongly blame yourself. We will make mistakes, especially as we begin to deal with the pain from our childhood. That is when we need our parents to have their head on straight, not be guiltridden and broken down. When the reality of where are pain comes from comes crashing down around us, we will need a soft place to land, and that is when you become a hero in our eyes (the hero you've always been but we were to hurt to see). Yes, you are allowed a short pity party when we trample on your hearts (as we often do), but only a short one, because you must remember that God never gives you more than you can handle. And, as with my mom and I, odds are that in time life will get better. My mom is now my best friend. I truly believe that had we not gone through what we did when I was a teenager, I would not have really seen her love for me. In closing, I'd like to apologize to adoptive parents for the heartbreak that we often put you through. I'd like to apologize for not being able to scream and rage at the right person, instead laying it all at your feet and walking away. It's not fair and I apologize for all the kids that are not there yet, who are so entrenched in their pain that they are lashing out at you. I'm sorry, and my prayer is is one day very soon, they will be healed enough to tell you that themselves. I'm sorry and thank you.