Christmas Craziness

Mom's been having a heck of a time with my younger sibs here at Christmastime (as usual). People may wonder why kids like us decide to act out during holidays. After all, aren't we being given the best Christmas we've ever had? Of course we are, and to a "normal" person's eye it would seem that we'd be grateful and joyous. But, the truth is we are too often not. While our new family goes above and beyond to make our Christmas wonderful, another family haunts our thoughts. The family who seemed to go above and beyond to make sure we had no fond memories of Christmas lurks in the back of our minds. When I was young, Christmas meant nothing more than another excuse for my birth mom to get hung over and forget about us. The domestic violence I witnessed seemed to grow during the holidays and I can remember going to school praying that nobody would find out that I had had no Christmas, wishing that I could brag about what my wonderful mom had bought me and wondering what all the kids were smiling about. When we made little homemade Christmas gifts for our parents at school, I knew that I would hand it to my birth mom hoping she would see how much I loved her and then she would get clean and take care of us. But, instead, my little clay ornaments usually ended up being thrown at someone during a fight. Then, when I was eleven, I had my first Christmas with my new adoptive family. Everyone is smiling, and Mom went out of her way to give us a great Christmas. Trouble was, I was profoundly sad over spending Christmas with people I had only known for three months. I was supposed to smile and be grateful and participate in holiday rituals I had never been a part of, simple things like decorating the tree and opening gifts on Christmas morning all brought the blanket of sadness farther over my heart. I missed my foster mom and everything I had ever known I had lost (except for my two brothers who were THE most important people in my life). I worried that if I became comfortable and actually enjoyed this Christmas I'd only be let down the next year when I had to spend it with another family. See, I didn't get the whole forever family thing. As the years went on, I slowly began to relaize that I could enjoy Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving and all the other holidays, because this family was for real. A hint of sadness still creeps in during the holdiays, as I think of the Christmases lost to drugs and alcohol, but now it's more of a passing thought, not a dwelling on what could have been. But, my yougner sibligns are not there yet. They act out because they do not know how to deal with the war raging in thier heads. My prayer is that soon they can experience the holidays without the anxiety and sadness I know they are experiencing. For now, though, I am grateful for a Mother who works her butt off to ensure that happy memories are made. Without her I'd still cry on Christmas Day.