Trust

CJ is getting so big now. He is trying to crawl and is into everything. Nothing I have in my hand is safe, as he thinks that it belongs in his mouth. Yesterday, as I was holding him he threw himself back as I held on to him. He just stayed like that, enjoying this new view of the living room. Sometimes as I hold him and play with him I think about me as a baby. My mom and I talk this to death it seems like, but it is so fundamental to an adopted child's life. The whole question of how did we survive has been even more on my mind since having CJ. I look at him and know that he has total trust in me. He knows I will provide anything he needs. He doesn't know this on an intellectual level, but on a fundamental level. His trust and attachment to Chuck and I is forming the person he will become. All the kisses, hugs, feedings, sweet words and constant presence of Mama (me) has made for one happy baby. As you can see from all the pictures, he's always smiling and loves to be the pass-around baby. He has no fear that if he's handed to someone else, I'll be gone. Unlike babies who have no constant caregiver, he is only content with others for a time, and then he needs Mama, kind of like coming back to home base. Now, with us (my sibs and I), we had no home base. There was no abundance of kisses, hugs, sweet words and hardly a presence of a mother, and when she was around, she was drunk or high. I look at CJ, so needy, and wonder what we did. And I wonder how anyone could walk away from us, so needy and vulnerable, and not look back. We were just as cute, just as curious and just as fun. We wanted interaction and we wanted to know someone cared. But, instead, we had to figure it out on our own. For those who wonder where the grief comes from, it starts right there. The unfairness of it is overwhelming for a child, and for an adult. No, we cannot dwell on the unfairness of it, but understand that this is not like being passed up for a promotion or not getting the part in a school play even though you're the better pick, it's about not getting what you need on a fundamental level. That is something that burns into your soul and leaves a pretty nasty scar. We can overcome it, of course we can, but that doesn't mean that I won't think about it when I'm holding my son and making sure he never feels the despair I must have felt as a lonely, scared baby girl.