Yolie's World

Monday, June 15, 2009

Deep Within

I am hesitating in writing this blog entry, one because it is deeply personal and two because it forces me to look deep within myself, which can be a pretty scary thing for anybody. I choose to write it, and subsequently share it, in the hopes that adoptive parents reading it might get a glimpse into the innermost fears/thoughts of someone who has lost so much at such a tender, young age. So, here I go.
In the past few days I have been forced to delve deep into my own psyche, digging up some feelings that even I thought were healed or at the very least not so raw. What I have discovered is that I still have lots of emotional healing to pray for, lots of scars that need the touch of God and fears that I pray will go away. I am almost a thirty year old woman. I have two kids and a husband who is flat out incredible. I live down the same dirt road I grew up on (once I was adopted), with a dog I love and surrounded by family. I thought I had it all figured out. I teach prospective adoptive parent classes, for goodness sake. And yet, I still feel that it could all go away at any point. I still carry with me the fear that it's all a big mistake, I really didn't deserve all this. After all, if God wanted me to be loved, happy and successful, He would have birthed me into a family who would have loved me, made me happy and cared if I succeeded. Now, let me say that LOGICALLY I get it. Every part of my brain screams that I did not deserve what happened to me and that God placed me in an adoptive home where I was nurtured and loved. I can counsel kids feeling this way and tell them all the things they need to hear. I can recite the books for you. What I can't do is deny that the feelings still exist somewhere deep within me. Deep inside, I have found a feeling of not belonging. I realize that even though I trust my husband or mama or best friend I have always maintained a deep fear that they will leave me. Even more scary is that I realize that I have somewhat prepared myself for it. I have this theory that if or when it all comes to an end, at least I wasn't fooled. And while it will hurt, at least I knew it was coming and therefore I did not give myself completely over. You see, if I surrender totally to their love of me then when it's gone there will be nothing left of me. And I have lost it all before (bio family) and I can never let that happen again. While I cannot control what they do, I can control my heart and try to protect myself from the eventual pain. Now, before you all start sending me to the mental hospital, please understand that I do not go through life an emotional cripple. I love my kids with all my heart, I love my husband and mother with all my heart has to offer. These are feelings I am willing to bet all adopted children (and foster kids) have, even into adulthood. That is the only reason I am sharing them now. I want parents and professionals and even those in my shoes to get it. To see that the work must continue well into adulthood. At the same time, I think that perhaps i can give hope to someone out there. While I deal with these issues and seek God's healing, I am still the mother to my kids. I am still my husband's wife and my mother's daughter. I still teach the four year old class at church, still maintain my household and my professional work. I am still capable of love and attachment. I simply have a set of issues that I must work on. They do not control me and I am speaking them out of my life. It may take a while, but I will totally surrender to the people that love me. I am coming to realize that they may not leave me. And you know what, if they do, at least I will know that I loved with ALL my heart and gave them all I had. I do not want to live with regret, wondering if I could have given more. I will not let the actions of my birth mother interfere with or control my reactions to those who chose to love me even when they didn't have to. I am not saying this will be easy. I have been confronted with feelings I truly thought were gone. But I will win this war. I will continue to fight it until I am whole, because I am worth it. Because my children are worth it. Because my mother is worth it. Because my sweet husband is worth it.

10 Comments:

  • At 8:24 AM, Blogger Lee said…

    Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and what had to be so painful to share as well. One of my 4 children (all of whom are adopted) has I think these same fears. I struggle with trying to show him we are there for keeps and trying to get him to open up. I feel like he can't see how wonderful he is and how much he is loved. But I will never give up!

     
  • At 7:13 PM, Blogger Jensboys said…

    Thank you for trusting us enough to share your pain, and your heart, your struggles and your victory. It really DOES help so many.

     
  • At 8:02 PM, Blogger FAScinated said…

    Thank you for sharing this, Yolie. I'm sure it wasn't easy but it is so important that we understand.

     
  • At 4:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I appreciate you sharing these perspectives as an adoptee - even though it's so painful. My children are very young, but I know the pain is down there and I want to be prepared when it starts to surface - to support them as they work on these issues. Life is messy, and though I wish I could go back and "fix" the things that hurt them, I can't. We can only move forward.

    Thanks again. You and your mom are trailblazers for those of us coming behind on this journey.

    LAH

     
  • At 7:09 AM, Blogger Jess Tryon said…

    Thank you so much for sharing these very personal thoughts and feelings, Yolie. I'm a soon-to-adopt parent, and I read a lot of blogs from adoption-related folks (including your mom's) and I worry about how our children will adjust to our home and how we can help them heal and find joy.

    I'm not adopted myself, but I felt as though I understood the concept of what you said, as far as emotions and fears deep down that never seem to heal but we have to exist around them. I think we all have something like that... for you it's abandonment, for me it's believing myself incapable because of my handicap, for others... it's something else. I'm so grateful that God has been there too and helps us through the especially hard days. Thanks for helping me understand the hearts of my own future children.

    Know that I pray for you and your (large, extended) family daily.

    ~Jess

     
  • At 4:48 PM, Blogger Ms. T. said…

    Yolie, you are so incredibly brave, honest, and inspiring. I work with kids in DC who have emotional and bahavioral disorders, many because of the trauma they've experienced at the hands of their bio families. Your words have taught me so much and given me great insight into the lives of my own students. I am a better teacher because of you. Thank you for that. I hope someday my students will be able to appreciate my dedication to them, no matter how many years that may take.

     
  • At 5:29 PM, Blogger Pat M said…

    Well said Yolie...I get it and I see it in our kids that you know so well, one in particular who to this day continues to "distrust" us and her brother who thinks that he doesn't "DESERVE" a family and good things tto happen to him. You know who I am referring to. They are awesome kids, but still very challenging nonetheless. She is in high school this year and he will be in 7th grade. Hard to believe isn't it. I will share this blog with them and let them know that the "demons" may still be there and they will have more work to do even as they grow older. We have always been truthful with them.

     
  • At 6:35 PM, Blogger Linda B. said…

    Yolie, I have a soon to be 17 yr old daughter in residential care. While she does have FASD,and RAD, I feel many of her behaviors stem from what you have written. Do you feel that all adopted kids have various degrees of this feeling? Even those adopted as infants and seem to be doing well with life right now? I know you can only go by what you know, but I would truely appreciate your opinion. Thank you for sharing. I learn the most from adoptees and other adoptive parents.

     
  • At 7:31 PM, Blogger Linda B said…

    I wanted to let you know that I sent your story to my daughters therapist at her residential center and she felt that a lot of your feelings are exactly what my daughter is feeling. They have spent sessions talking about it. I am sure this was hard for you to write, but I want to thank you for doing it. You are helping us out here.

     
  • At 10:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yolie... I am the mother of six adopted children and I have read a book please read it. It will lighten your load as it has for me. It is called bad childhood good life by dr. Laura Schlessinger... Please I pray for your heart to be lifted form all you feel. You are an inspriation for what my children can over come.... take care... God loves you!!!

     

Post a Comment

<< Home