Deep Within

I am hesitating in writing this blog entry, one because it is deeply personal and two because it forces me to look deep within myself, which can be a pretty scary thing for anybody. I choose to write it, and subsequently share it, in the hopes that adoptive parents reading it might get a glimpse into the innermost fears/thoughts of someone who has lost so much at such a tender, young age. So, here I go.

In the past few days I have been forced to delve deep into my own psyche, digging up some feelings that even I thought were healed or at the very least not so raw. What I have discovered is that I still have lots of emotional healing to pray for, lots of scars that need the touch of God and fears that I pray will go away. I am almost a thirty year old woman. I have two kids and a husband who is flat out incredible. I live down the same dirt road I grew up on (once I was adopted), with a dog I love and surrounded by family. I thought I had it all figured out. I teach prospective adoptive parent classes, for goodness sake. And yet, I still feel that it could all go away at any point. I still carry with me the fear that it's all a big mistake, I really didn't deserve all this. After all, if God wanted me to be loved, happy and successful, He would have birthed me into a family who would have loved me, made me happy and cared if I succeeded. Now, let me say that LOGICALLY I get it. Every part of my brain screams that I did not deserve what happened to me and that God placed me in an adoptive home where I was nurtured and loved. I can counsel kids feeling this way and tell them all the things they need to hear. I can recite the books for you. What I can't do is deny that the feelings still exist somewhere deep within me. Deep inside, I have found a feeling of not belonging. I realize that even though I trust my husband or mama or best friend I have always maintained a deep fear that they will leave me. Even more scary is that I realize that I have somewhat prepared myself for it. I have this theory that if or when it all comes to an end, at least I wasn't fooled. And while it will hurt, at least I knew it was coming and therefore I did not give myself completely over. You see, if I surrender totally to their love of me then when it's gone there will be nothing left of me. And I have lost it all before (bio family) and I can never let that happen again. While I cannot control what they do, I can control my heart and try to protect myself from the eventual pain. Now, before you all start sending me to the mental hospital, please understand that I do not go through life an emotional cripple. I love my kids with all my heart, I love my husband and mother with all my heart has to offer. These are feelings I am willing to bet all adopted children (and foster kids) have, even into adulthood. That is the only reason I am sharing them now. I want parents and professionals and even those in my shoes to get it. To see that the work must continue well into adulthood. At the same time, I think that perhaps i can give hope to someone out there. While I deal with these issues and seek God's healing, I am still the mother to my kids. I am still my husband's wife and my mother's daughter. I still teach the four year old class at church, still maintain my household and my professional work. I am still capable of love and attachment. I simply have a set of issues that I must work on. They do not control me and I am speaking them out of my life. It may take a while, but I will totally surrender to the people that love me. I am coming to realize that they may not leave me. And you know what, if they do, at least I will know that I loved with ALL my heart and gave them all I had. I do not want to live with regret, wondering if I could have given more. I will not let the actions of my birth mother interfere with or control my reactions to those who chose to love me even when they didn't have to. I am not saying this will be easy. I have been confronted with feelings I truly thought were gone. But I will win this war. I will continue to fight it until I am whole, because I am worth it. Because my children are worth it. Because my mother is worth it. Because my sweet husband is worth it.