Family Therapy

Today I sat in on a family therapy session for one of my younger brothers who lives in a residential setting. While I understand many of the reasons behind the questions that were being asked and the issues that were being discussed, I couldn't help but feel bad for my mom. Here she is, trying to get help for my brother, who is dealing with some serious issues with violence, stealing, etc, and the majority of the session seemed to focus on what she and the other family members were doing to contribute to my brother's issues. Now, in a "regular" family where the child is with their birth family, then I can see where this issue might make more sense. The problem I have with this in an adoptive family is that the "reason" behind the acting out and issues with family do not stem from the adoptive parent, yet, in the name of "fixing" the child, professionals are taught that it must stem from some dynamic in the family. But wait, our mom did not do all this to us, our birth moms did, so where does that fit in? We are not a dysfunctional family in need of family therapy, we are children with dysfunctional coping mechanisms living in a functional family, with a mother trying her hardest to give us some sense of normalcy. And yet, she must sit there while her children lie and make her out to be the bad guy, because if and when she defends herself, she is seen as having control issues or being insensitive to her children's perceptions of what is going on in the family. Of course, the kid is rarely ever called out when he is flat out lying about something that is happening in the family, because that is his perception and he is entitled to it. What about my mom though? Isn't she entitled to some dignity? Not only does she have to deal with her kids acting out, she must also prove to outsiders that she is not the reason behind her kid's behaviors. She is dissected like a frog and all her behaviors are also questioned and I simply do not see the appropriateness of that. Suddenly, her drive to better herself through higher education, and even her God-given purpose of adopting large sibling groups proves that she is an overachiever who must demand too much of her children, thus causing their violent, angry, withdrawn and difficult issues. Now, perhaps that is not what the professionals are thinking, but it sure made me upset to watch my mom have to defend herself and her family. As professionals dealing with adopted children, we must remember that adopted kids are already looking for a reason not to trust their parents as well as a reason to blame them for what the birth parents did. We must be sensitive to this and try to find a happy medium, where we can listen to the child, but not blame the adoptive parent. After all, aren't they blamed enough???