Raw Emotions

I haven't known how to post, what to post, or where to start this last week. The loss of my nephew has been tragic. Sarah's loss has cut so deep into our family's heart that we all seem to be walking around like lost puppies searching for an answer. Audrey called my mom a "pillar of strength." She truly is that for our family, and to see her so broken over the loss of her grandson has been hard. This whole thing has been too hard. Sarah and Preston have lost such a precious treasure and that makes me very angry. It makes me angry to think about all the drug addicts who carry babies to term, only to hurt them. It makes me angry to think of all the babies who are abandoned, when there are people like Sarah and Preston who want to give thier kids a Christian, loving home. I know I cannot stay angry or bitter about this, but it just doesn't make any sense to me. Hasn't our family dealt with enough loss? Sarah opened her heart and shared her mother with 38 other children. She, on a daily basis, helps Mom with raising the family. She has accepted all of us as her siblings, major faults and all. She has witnessed more loss issues and grief in the past few years than most people do in a lifetime. I see no reason why she had to lose Bailey Scott. I know God is wise and has a plan. My faith is solid and I get that. But that doesn't keep me from being angry and feeling betrayed. These are emotions I will have to deal with, pray about and resolve. I know being a Christian doesn't keep us from hurt or pain, I get all that. I'm just so overwhelmingly confused about God's plan in all of this. In time, I'm sure I will read back over this blog and see the work God did within our family, but right now it is just raw emotions. Loss is never easy. Babies are so precious in our family, they bring such hope and renewal and it doesn't seem fair to take that away from our family. I hope that Sarah knows how much she is loved by us and how much we all mourn Bailey Scott. Ray is such a sweetheart, his smile is so genuine and his quirks are so adorable, we all feel cheated that we will not get to witness the same in Bailey...at least not while here on Earth.