Yesterday's Good News

Yesterday was one of the hardest and scariest days of my life, and that's saying alot with the kind of childhood I had. As Mom has already blogged, she had an appointment yesterday to get the results of her CAT scan, an appointment that had us all pretty much paralyzed (and of course, it wasn't until after five o'clock, which made the day that much more agonizing). PRAISE GOD, she got great news and our worst fears were not realized. Although she will have surgery at the end of the week, the relief of knowing that she is not afflicted with something life-threatening brought me to tears late last night. I woke up, or rather CJ woke me up, at 4 am, and even after tussling with him to get him back to sleep I could not close my eyes for all of the emotions running through me. The last week has pretty much been one of my worst nightmares. The thought of my mother not being well only contributed to my constant feeling of wanting to throw up (I'm battling terrible morning (all day) sickness). All of my fears, which I try to keep hidden and deep, came rushing to the front of my head and I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do to fix it, which is what I automatically try to do in any situation. There was nothing but paralyzing fear. I know that it must be every child's worst fear to lose a parent, and with my background the fear is magnified from already having lost so much. I went straight back to being eleven years old. All the irrational fears of being abandoned and left to fend for myself surfaced. Deep down I knew that if we got bad news, I would buckle down and take care of all of the responsibilities that would come, but that did not mean that I was not terrified. Even more than myself, I worried about all my younger siblings. They simply would not understand if something happened to Mom. She's supposed to be there, that's what she promised us when she adopted us. In the eyes of an adopted child who has lost so much already, it is seen as just another promise broken. This is a tough standard to hold a Mother to, and yet it's what Mom has to deal with. When she is not 100% the kids tend to resent it, acting out and usually adding ten tons to the stress she is already feeling. It's unfair and I wish I could make them stop, but I can't. Some small part of me still understands how they feel, the only difference is that I can step back and see that I will survive, and the younger kids only see the end of the fairy tale. So, again, I am so thankful to God for providing out family with such a positive outcome. The next few weeks will be tough on our family, but if there is one thing Mama has taught us, it's that family will get you through. I am so thankful for my family.