Yolie's World

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Disposable

I do not speak for all adopted persons. There are so many different situations a child may go through that result in their being adopted into a family not biologically theirs. I say this to say that my feelings/emotions/world views are not necessarily those of all adopted children. Today I am writing about being disposable. I believe this to be a fundamental piece in the psyche of many adopted kids. It's the feeling that no matter how good it seems to be, how close you are to your new mother, how entrechened you seem to be, you are just a tree with very shallow roots. At any point, whether you are five, fifteen or twenty five, you could be disposed of. You see, I was "disposed" of as a young child. And if my big brown eyes begging for love and care weren't enough to warrant love and care, if they did not protect me from being disposed of, then nothing I posess now can save me from the eventuality of being tossed aside, deemed unessasary and perhaps maybe even a mistake.

These are the thoughts that subconsciously run through my head. I do not live my life according to them. I try to form very real, very deep relationships in spite of the fact that I am scared of the outcome. But still, the feelings and thoughts are there. How I wish with all my heart that they were not. How I wish that I had been born into the family I'm now a part of. I ask God "why not?" Why not save me the hellish years of my childhood if I was eventually going to be a part of this loving family?

Sometimes I think that when it's all said and done, I will have been a phase in my family's life. Something they did once, out of compassion. A temporary time in my mother's life. These are harsh things to say. Much harsher things to feel. I fight with these innermost thoughts, trying desperately to kill them and be "normal." Again, I say all this to help people understand. I feel both privelaged and mandated to write these words. As if so many children in the same situation have no voice, and I should speak up. I do not wish to be the face of adoption, the one that speaks for all of us. I only hope to reach a parent at their wits end trying to figure out their adopted child. Or a child wondering if they are crazy, or another adult adoptee, who perhaps has never been able to put to words the feelings we feel. I know we can be successful. We can love our children, be good parents and good spouses. We can love God and even love ourselves to the best of our ability. What we cannot do is pretend these feelings don't exist. That gives them power, for when we least expect it they will flood our head with negativity and power they do not deserve. My prayer is that as I so publicy speak these thoughts and feelings, I will continue to win my battle with them. I am taking their power away. It is not until you recognize a problem that you can begin to fix it. I am fixing myself. With God's help, I am going to beat these thoughts. I just know it.

Now I must go cook dinner for my husband and two kids (a great joy to me).

8 Comments:

  • At 3:19 PM, Blogger Pat M said…

    AMEN Yolie - That is it!...You and your mom are like Neal Boortz - you say things others are too afraid to say. But they have to be said. You have lived on both sides of the fence and you have so much to give to the adoption world with just your wonderful insight. Keep fighting those thoughts - I know how it feels to try to love someone out of those negative thoughts. Somedays with Tiff and Taylor I feel as if I am losing the battle because Taylor continues to push and push and push especially when their are great rewards involved - so that he can tell himself "See-I'm not good enough" or "See they got rid of me too" I really see that in both of them. The severe mistrust and oh how it breaks my heart that people did this to these children. They have such potential if they would just tear down the walls. Keep on speaking out on these things...you bring words to these things others can't describe.

     
  • At 8:01 AM, Blogger Cindy said…

    Wow, YOUR thoughts scare even ME after all these years. That you even still have one iota of fear, or of residual loss, from what happened back then, with your brilliance, your warmth, your compassion, your love, and your EVERYTHING...I remain very surprised still that even for one second these long-held feelings can still surface. I promise to spend the rest of my life, and all of eternity, being lovingly devoted to you, your husband, your children, your grandchildren, your siblings, and their families. I love you more than you'll ever begin to comprehend. And you know that you know that you know that I do.

     
  • At 8:03 AM, Blogger Cindy said…

    Pat - Neal Boortz? I love it.

     
  • At 7:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Thank you so much for posting this. It gives me a better idea of what my 12 year old son must feel.
    We adopted him when he was just 11 days old but when he was 4 and we were talking about his adoption he said, "What is wrong with me? Why did they just THROW me away?"
    That was a painful thing for me to hear but I did understand. I was shocked since he was a tiny infant when we adopted him, but that did not change anything.
    Your shallow roots statement is perfect. I know that is how he feels. He is frustrated and angry at times. He loves us but there so much we can not fill in for him.

     
  • At 8:58 PM, OpenID motherissues said…

    Yolie, thank you. I wrote a similar post based on being the partner of someone who was adopted out of a questionable situation and I was astonished how much passionate response I got from foster and adoptive parents. Your words help me understand her better, though, and I hope will make me a better parent someday. I'm so glad you're writing here.

     
  • At 11:19 PM, Anonymous Janet MF said…

    Thank you for sharing.....it is often impossible to comprehend the pain, because we have not been there ourselves.
    Janet MF

     
  • At 4:10 AM, Blogger Marcella said…

    Deep, painful honesty, Yolie. Thank you for putting it out there, reminding folks that it never fully goes away. My own mother was abandonded by her mother, to be raised by her grandparents. Mom is 68 years old, and still deals with feeling 'disposable' at times.

     
  • At 6:20 AM, Blogger we5campers said…

    Thank you Yolie for being so honest. It helps me to understand the pain my adopted daughter is going through. It helps with my anger towards the situation as I feel so helpless. I know God is using you to touch many lives out there. Continue to be real. Many blessings to you and your family.

     

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