Being a Mom

Last night, after trying countless times to lay CJ right next to me once he was asleep, and him waking up every single time, I gave up and let him sleep right on my chest/stomach. HE was so peaceful and slept wonderfully. He woke up to eat every two hours, but not with the usual fussiness. Usually, he realizes I am two inches away (literally) and he starts crying to eat and to be picked up. So, last night, after every feeding, he simply dozed off to the rhythm of my heartbeat...and he was allowed to stay there. Now, I can already hear the countless groans of "she's spoiling him," "he'll never learn to sleep on his own," and "what's she thinking." I say, how can you spoil a baby with too much love and attention. How can teaching him have absolute trust in you as his parent be wrong? I truly believe that in trying to be "good, independent Americans" we are missing out on so much of the important bonding time with our babies. Everyone is so worried about "sleeping through the night" that they forget their babies will only want to sleep with them for a short time, until they decide mom and dad are no longer cool and they want to be "big boys." We cry on their first day of school, yet we send them to the other side of the house to sleep when they are still newborns, all for the sake of "teaching them independence." Why would I want to teach my two month old to take care of himself? As a person who comes from a difficult past, I believe my feeling on this issue may be a little more passionate than most. Although I cannot remember being two months old, I know that I was not cuddled, held, sung to and "spoiled." I witness every day through all my siblings who have the same type background, the consequences of not nurturing your children. Last night, just when I thought CJ was sound asleep, he only barely opened his eyes, saw that he was still right there with me, smiled and went off to dreamland. He was checking on me, making sure he was secure. I think about all the nights I probably woke up and no one was there to make me feel secure. How sad. But even sadder, I think about the night my tiny little brain decided not to even check...what's the point, nobody would be there. As I look at CJ, I vow never to have him wonder if mommy will be there. It's just not a feeling I want him to experience. I view my ultimate duty to God as protecting my son from the same hurt I experienced. I know he will have hurts in his life...his first tumble off a bike, the first time his friends are mean to him, his first heartbreak, but he will never have his first day when mom is so hung over she can't feed him, or his first time wondering if mom will ever come home. He doesn't deserve any of that, and neither did I. I will say, though, that since I became his Mama, I have decided that I would go through it all over again, the pain, the horror and the grief of my childhood, to end up with this child, with this husband, in this home, with these grandparents and extended families. I look into CJ's eyes and I see all of God's promises come true. It's as if God is saying to me through him, "I knew this all along, you just had to go through some stuff before you could get here." Maybe I would not be the mother CJ needs had I not experienced bad mothering. Whatever the reasoning, I know one thing...I will follow my heart when it comes to being CJ's mom. I will not be dictated by the professionals telling me not to spoil him, not to hold him too much or feed him on demand. I will hold my baby close, knowing that he is God's gift to me, maybe even God's way of saying "You've been through enough, here's your heart's desire." I am so proud that God trusted me enough to give me such a precious gift.