Birth Siblings

(My oldest birth sister & me)

I've been thinking alot about my oldest birth sister this past week. We reunited after nearly thirteen years some time back and although it was very difficult to reconnect, we made a go of it. We visited each other a couple of times and talked on the phone for about a year. Unfortunately, I don't feel we every truly reconnected. The "whys" are a bit overwhelming, but I will try to make sense of it. First, let me say that I love her. I spent those thirteen years wondering about her, and praying that she still cared about us. She was really the only one in my birth family who loved my brothers and I without all the craziness attached. When we reunited, I immediately felt like something just wasn't right. My fantasy of a happy reunion was totally clouded by the fact that she hd continued to have to live among my birth mother and her craziness, while my brothers and I were blessed with a loving, dedicated and (dare I say) normal mother. While I had spent the last thirteen years of my life overcoming my past and healing, she had still been stuck in it, getting more and more hurt by the only mother she knows. I very quickly realized that she had many issues that I had not seen as a child. Of course, who can blame her for having issues, who wouldn't? Our shared birth mother injects much poison upon anyone near her, and for some reason my sister seemed to recieve the brunt of it. She was even blamed for us beign "taken away" since she testified in court against our birth mother regarding the horrendous abuse and neglect she inflicted on my brothers and I. While most people (myslef included) wonder why in the world she would still have anything to do with our birth mother, she simply put it to me this way, "Yolie, she's the only mom I've got." The enormity of that statement makes me very sad. She never was able to get out. Because of her courage to stand up to our birth mother and testify in order to save us three, we were able to "get another mom" and a better life. But, what a sad story, becasue this same courage put us worlds apart. I found that while I love her and have so much gratitude for what she did, we have very little in common. She has ups and downs with our birth mom, and I simply am not willing to go there. I've come to far to be sucked into birth mother drama (and can she spew it!). At the same time, I struggle with guilt over not making more of an effort to build a relationship with my birth sister. I feel that I have tried hard, but what is hard enough? Becasue of her conitinued contact with our birth mom, she still is bound by her lies and deceit. And because she doesn't know what a functional family is like (not her fault, by the way), I feel like she doesn't know how to even have a relationship with me that doesn't include drama, ups and downs, and screaming fights. After all, this is what she beleives a family does. She ahs even told me, after visiting with my family, how "businesslike" we all act around each other. Now, we are one of the funnest, loving and nurturing families around, but I realized that she did not know what to make of a family where people aren't cussing each other out, visiting husbands in jail, or lying to one another. Again, it is so sad. I am eternally grateful to her for loving us enough to let us go. But I am also sad that she didn't have the same opportunity to have a loving, stable family. Who knows were the years will lead us. Maybe we will be able to find some common ground, or maybe we will just e-mail every once in a while. One thing is for sure, she will always hold a special place in my heart.