Choices

A couple of days ago, I was put in a difficult position. I have written before about my older birth sister, Ronnie. Well, I also have another birth sister, who is older than me but younger than Ronnie. Due to some very good reasons, I chose not to have a relationship with her or my birth mother when we were all "reunited" a couple of years ago. I made myself very clear abut this. My reasons include that fact that they are both still involved in drama that I just don't need. They are still stuck in the dysfunctional chaos that caused me so much pain in my early years. Anyway, while opening my e-mail, I found a letter from my birth sister, asking me to please give her a chance. She went on to tell me that she "remembers the good times we had as sisters," which only proves my theory that she lives in denial-land. If we had had very good times, then odds are we wouldn't have been in foster care, where she was abusive to me. Now, I know the reasons behind her aggressiveness...she was abused as well. And, when we were "reunited" I had not completely made up my mind about a relationship with her. It wasn't until she began forcing our birth mother on me (who I had made my mind up ) that I started having second thoughts. Also, when I found out that she did not protect her own children from our birth father (who abused us), instead allowing him to move in with her and her children (again, he abused us!). These are just not the type of people I need in my life. With that said, it is very difficult for me to be "mean." It took all I had to tell her over the phone about a year ago that I did not want her to call me or contact me again. See, I deal with lots of issues surrounding guilt. It's one of my "issues." So, when I received the e-mail, I felt like I should somehow respond. But, do I just say, "Thanks, but no thanks," "I'm just not ready right now," or do I give her an explanation about why? Mind you, I not only have myself to think about. I now have a son, and I made a promise I would not expose him to such things. These people did nothing but re-hurt us when they came back into the picture. Why, then, am I having such a hard time responding to the e-mail? My guess is that somehow, I feel guilty that I made it out and she didn't. It was by God's grace that I learned how to live in a family and be surrounded by love. Should I now then show her grace? Many people would probably say yes. But, take into account that if I do, I am guaranteed more hurt and pain. I was talking this out with my mom, and she asked me what I wanted her to say. Did I want her to "give me permission" to say no and be done with it, or did I want her to "give me permission" to open that door. The answer is easy, I do not want to open that door. Except, nothing like this is easy in the heart of an adopted child. So, I will work on the e-mail, somehow telling her"no," but not without a great sense of sadness at the entire situation we have been put in by someone who was supposed to be a mother.