Pressing "Send"

So, I still haven't sent that e-mail to my birth sister. I have written and re-written it, I've had my mom proofread it, and still, I haven't managed to hit the "send" button. I've been thinking alot about it, and I'm really not sure why I haven't sent it. My mom told me not to hit that button if I "had a check in my spirit" about it. Well, I guess that's what's going on. I'm just not feeling settled about it yet. It's not the decision I'm concerenced with, I know that I do not want to have a relationship. I think it's the notion that it's yet another finality in my life. You know, just another unfair thing I'm being asked to do. Now, it is very rare you hear me moan and groan and complain about my lot in life. I prefer to "assign meaning to my suffering" as Dr. Phil puts it (yes, too much daytime tv!). I almost always try to help others with what I've learned through my life experiences. But, for some reason, this e-mail thing has be thinking alot about the unfairness of it all. The "whys" are enough to kill someone, but I wouldn't be human if I did not struggle with them...still. Maybe that's what's bothering me. Why is it still so difficult for me to face these things. No matter how "healed" I think I am, when unexpected things happen that deal with my past, they automatically knock me off balance and I inevitably spend too much time dwelling on it. It's like ripping the scab off again, as my mother puts it. Whis is exactly why I know that a relationship with these people is the last thing I need. My son doesn't need a mom who is absorbed in past drama, and my husband doesn't need a wife like that either. And God did not bless me with the BEST husband and son for me to dwell on the past. My priority is them and my family now. But, how do I say that so someone who went through many of the same terrible things I did, but never got out? Yes, she is not the type of person I want or need in my life, but she is that way because she was made to be, through years and years of abuse from our birth mother. Thank God, I was only a part of that for around ten years. Again, I go back to the unfairness of it all, or as one of my younger sibs once said when he was mad at mom for something, "that's too fair!" Nobody should have to make choices based on what other people did to them. I know that my decision will make me look like a cold, heartless person to my birth sister. If only I could get her to understand that we were all put in these situations by our birth mother, and I am only trying to do the best I can with a difficult situation. But, she won't see that because she is still held hostage by my birth mother's antics. She actually (along with birth mom) tried to convince me and my brother that things "weren't that bad" and the authorities "just had it out for them." Yeah, right. People don't go to prison for criminal child endangerment if things "really aren't that bad." Our birth mother hurt us terribly, and for some reason, she is still able to reach across time and space and continue to wreak havoc in my life. I know that is power that I give her, and I am working on that, with God's help. I've come a long way...she no longer scares me and that was a big step. Now, I could only get to a point where she doesn't make me mad...
Maybe I'll hit that send button now, since my gut tells me that she's more behind the contact than my birth sister anyway.