Yolie Thoughts
Chuck did this up a while ago. CJ was so small!
I was telling my mom the other day as she was telling me about my younger sister who FINALLY kissed her and was showing her affection my thoughts on the situation. Granted, I waited too long to write this blog, so she is back in the "hot seat" wait Mama, but that's how it goes around here. Anyway, I was explaining to my Mom that the timing of Vanessa's affection made perfect sense to me. You see, Vanessa has been watching Mom like a hawk for the past few weeks, seeing how she would react to all of the bad situations that have come about lately. In particular, she has been dissecting Mom's reaction to one of her birth brother's situations, which has been difficult on the whole family. Vanessa has seen Mom stick to her guns on every single issue that has come up, and she has seen her LOVE and be COMMITTED to her (our)sibling through a very difficult time. These actions have caused her to take notice and to maybe begin to trust that Mom is who she says she is and that she will NEVER abandon us or give up on us. I know this because the same thing happened with me. Because as a child with huge rejection issues, I did not believe that I deserved any better than what I had gotten, or that I would ever have the chance to have a real mother, I had a terrible time believing that my new adoptive mother would love me and take care of me. So, although I did not think it could happen for me, I was desperate for it to happen for my brothers, Joe and Daniel. When we were adopted, I made a choice in my mind to see what my new mom would do with Joe and Daniel. This would ultimately decide whether or not she would ever gain my trust and love, it's sad in a way, because as young as I was, I had already decided that I would give up having a loving relationship with this potential mother, as long as my brothers would be taken care of. What I didn't get, though, was that watching this woman love and commit to my brothers would in turn cause me to grow in love with her. Joe and Daniel were always my priority, and to see a Mother make them hers was amazing to me. She meant what she said and never floundered in her commitment to them and me. I don;t think my situation was unique. I think that many siblings, especially older siblings in adoptive situations, hold back their judgment of their new placement to see how the new parents deal with their siblings. If you have adopted siblings, you can see evidence of this when you discipline one of the younger siblings and the older one gets anxious, angry or sad. You can see it when you try to dole out love and affection when the younger one gets hurt and the older sib watches you like a hawk to make sure you are doing it right (or my my case, tries to direct you on what things make him/her feel better). There was no way I would ever trust or love this woman if she did not do right by my brothers. I am thankful every day that she did. At the same time, learning to trust and love her was hard. Until I became an adult I still dealt with the fear that one day she would just decide she was done with us. Yes, it was an irrational fear, as she has never given me one reason to doubt her, but you must understand that the fear of loving and losing is ever present when is has already almost crippled you once in your life. Perhaps this explains vanishes complete 180 just a few days after the big show of affection. She is now back to Viper Girl, hissing and glaring and spewing bitterness. Vulnerability sucks, and for her I'm sure that fear, whether conscious or not, is terribly scary for her right now. But, I know she will eventually come around, as she continues to watch Mom be there for her siblings she will transfer that love Mom has for her sibs to herself.
I was telling my mom the other day as she was telling me about my younger sister who FINALLY kissed her and was showing her affection my thoughts on the situation. Granted, I waited too long to write this blog, so she is back in the "hot seat" wait Mama, but that's how it goes around here. Anyway, I was explaining to my Mom that the timing of Vanessa's affection made perfect sense to me. You see, Vanessa has been watching Mom like a hawk for the past few weeks, seeing how she would react to all of the bad situations that have come about lately. In particular, she has been dissecting Mom's reaction to one of her birth brother's situations, which has been difficult on the whole family. Vanessa has seen Mom stick to her guns on every single issue that has come up, and she has seen her LOVE and be COMMITTED to her (our)sibling through a very difficult time. These actions have caused her to take notice and to maybe begin to trust that Mom is who she says she is and that she will NEVER abandon us or give up on us. I know this because the same thing happened with me. Because as a child with huge rejection issues, I did not believe that I deserved any better than what I had gotten, or that I would ever have the chance to have a real mother, I had a terrible time believing that my new adoptive mother would love me and take care of me. So, although I did not think it could happen for me, I was desperate for it to happen for my brothers, Joe and Daniel. When we were adopted, I made a choice in my mind to see what my new mom would do with Joe and Daniel. This would ultimately decide whether or not she would ever gain my trust and love, it's sad in a way, because as young as I was, I had already decided that I would give up having a loving relationship with this potential mother, as long as my brothers would be taken care of. What I didn't get, though, was that watching this woman love and commit to my brothers would in turn cause me to grow in love with her. Joe and Daniel were always my priority, and to see a Mother make them hers was amazing to me. She meant what she said and never floundered in her commitment to them and me. I don;t think my situation was unique. I think that many siblings, especially older siblings in adoptive situations, hold back their judgment of their new placement to see how the new parents deal with their siblings. If you have adopted siblings, you can see evidence of this when you discipline one of the younger siblings and the older one gets anxious, angry or sad. You can see it when you try to dole out love and affection when the younger one gets hurt and the older sib watches you like a hawk to make sure you are doing it right (or my my case, tries to direct you on what things make him/her feel better). There was no way I would ever trust or love this woman if she did not do right by my brothers. I am thankful every day that she did. At the same time, learning to trust and love her was hard. Until I became an adult I still dealt with the fear that one day she would just decide she was done with us. Yes, it was an irrational fear, as she has never given me one reason to doubt her, but you must understand that the fear of loving and losing is ever present when is has already almost crippled you once in your life. Perhaps this explains vanishes complete 180 just a few days after the big show of affection. She is now back to Viper Girl, hissing and glaring and spewing bitterness. Vulnerability sucks, and for her I'm sure that fear, whether conscious or not, is terribly scary for her right now. But, I know she will eventually come around, as she continues to watch Mom be there for her siblings she will transfer that love Mom has for her sibs to herself.
posted by yolie @ 12:40 PM
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