Yolie's World

Saturday, March 01, 2008

It never goes away.

CJ dancing
Too much lovin'
"We're not doing anything"
Too cute
So sweet
Pretty girl
Mommy's princess

The magic question in the minds of many adoptive parents is "will it ever go away, can I love the pain away and get my child to the point where they are no longer affected by the past?" The answer, a simple NO. Now, this is not to say that all is doomed. In fact, I believe that I have come to a point in my life where happiness abounds. I have a great husband, two amazing children that I get to stay home with, we are in the process of building our new home, and God is central in our lives. I feel so blessed and thankful. And yet, I have been dealing with some very difficult emotional things lately. I finally talked it out with my Mom and came to the realization that in the midst of all the amazing things going on in my life, they all still represent change and change is scary for all adopted children. Notice I say children here. Regardless of the fact that I am almost 28 years old, when it comes to change in my life, I see myself as that terrified child surrounded by police while my birth mom has overdosed and a social worker must take me into an emergency placement, AWAY from my brothers. I see myself as that scared little girl who is being forced to leave the only woman who had taken care of her and her brothers, because a stranger in another state wanted them. I become the eleven yeard old girl in a new state with a new mother and no idea how long this would last. I revert back to that little girl so fast it could make your head spin. Now, theoretically I know that I am not that little girl. I know that I can and will handle change with strengh and support from many. The thing that bothers me is that even when it is a good change, like building our new home on our land, the very thought of being "rootless" for even a minute sends me into weirded out mode. I'm not talking about losing it here, just memories coming back, a little touch of sadness here and there and an overall sense of loss that I seem to be stuck in right now. I am so happy about our new house and the exciting things going on with us right now. At the same time, I find myself holding my ten month old daughter and feeling an sense of sadness, knowing that I was once that little and helpless , and had no mother to hold me or comfort me. I think that the fact that my daughter looks at me with MY eyes (people say she's my twin) makes it all the more real to me. I was telling my Mom that that little girl feels like a lifetime ago, and yet she can come back to me at any time, with vivid memories of abuse and neglect that can rip off my once healing scabs. So, no it never goes away. Some of us adopted kids can and do live with it all tucked away and lead very successful, happy lives. Others, unfortunately cannot move past it. I do not have an answer for who makes it and who doesn't. I do know that in both categories live adults who, with a smell or touch or familiar song, can revert back to scared kids in need of someone to tell them it will all be alright.