Yolie's World

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Raw Emotions

I haven't known how to post, what to post, or where to start this last week. The loss of my nephew has been tragic. Sarah's loss has cut so deep into our family's heart that we all seem to be walking around like lost puppies searching for an answer. Audrey called my mom a "pillar of strength." She truly is that for our family, and to see her so broken over the loss of her grandson has been hard. This whole thing has been too hard. Sarah and Preston have lost such a precious treasure and that makes me very angry. It makes me angry to think about all the drug addicts who carry babies to term, only to hurt them. It makes me angry to think of all the babies who are abandoned, when there are people like Sarah and Preston who want to give thier kids a Christian, loving home. I know I cannot stay angry or bitter about this, but it just doesn't make any sense to me. Hasn't our family dealt with enough loss? Sarah opened her heart and shared her mother with 38 other children. She, on a daily basis, helps Mom with raising the family. She has accepted all of us as her siblings, major faults and all. She has witnessed more loss issues and grief in the past few years than most people do in a lifetime. I see no reason why she had to lose Bailey Scott. I know God is wise and has a plan. My faith is solid and I get that. But that doesn't keep me from being angry and feeling betrayed. These are emotions I will have to deal with, pray about and resolve. I know being a Christian doesn't keep us from hurt or pain, I get all that. I'm just so overwhelmingly confused about God's plan in all of this. In time, I'm sure I will read back over this blog and see the work God did within our family, but right now it is just raw emotions. Loss is never easy. Babies are so precious in our family, they bring such hope and renewal and it doesn't seem fair to take that away from our family. I hope that Sarah knows how much she is loved by us and how much we all mourn Bailey Scott. Ray is such a sweetheart, his smile is so genuine and his quirks are so adorable, we all feel cheated that we will not get to witness the same in Bailey...at least not while here on Earth.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Sarah and Me

This has been a tough time for my family. We are all agreeing in prayer that Sarah and the baby will come out of this with a great testimony about God's miracles. Of course, as is human nature, I am taking this personally and really having a tough time with the "WHY???" question. It just makes no sense to me. So, like any good adopted child with loss issues, last night I went right back into my defense mechanisms. Having been stressed out and off balance all day, I waited until my sweet husband got home and then lost it. I didn't just tell him I was worried and tense, I waited until I brought up something about the dinner I cooked and he simply agreed that it could have cooked a couple more minutes. Now, Chuck is the sweetest guy I know, and he never criticizes anything I do (even if I deserve it) but that gave me the excuse I needed to emotionally shut down and then lose it. I cried about the dinner, and my sweet husband asked me what the real issue was, and only then was I able to talk about my feelings regarding Sarah's hospitalization. So see, here I am, an adult adoptee whose supposedly got it together, and it is so easy for me to fall back into my childhood, foster kid defenses. Even the threat of a loss throws me over the edge, not to mention my mom is also worried which throws me even further off balance. Usually only one of us can be off balance at a time. I know we'll get through this as a family, but man is it gonna be tough for a while. Chuck, CJ, Lena and myself are heading to the hospital to take Sarah, Preston and Preston's mom Agua Linda (funny the only non-Hispanic sister wants Mexican food for comfort!). Everyone keep praying.

Saturday, January 14, 2006


Mom blogged this morning about Daniel moving out. I have been trying to ignore it and not get emotional, since Daniel HATES tears, but Mom made me cry with her blog. You see, he's been Mom's baby since he was six...he's been mine since he was born. I remember the day he came home from the hospital. I was so young, but I already felt a sense of responsibility for him. As he got bigger I remember having what I now can identify as panic attacks, just being so stressed out over how I would get Joe and Daniel something to eat...I was only six or seven myself. I would go over to our neighbor's apartment and they would give me something to take back for them to eat. I hugged Daniel when he was hurt or crying. And when our birth mom would do somethin g crazy like slit her wrists in our presence, I would shield Daniel from seeing it. Yes, it's a bit graphic, but so was our life. Living it, and trying tpo protect Daniel and Joe from it was my life. Now that he's grown I still want to protect him. I am so proud of him and know he will succeed in anything he wants, but man, my baby brother has grown up. In some weird way, it's like an end to a chapter in our lives. We are no longer the kids who were hurt, we are the adults who chose not to let that define us.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


CJ is getting so big now. He is trying to crawl and is into everything. Nothing I have in my hand is safe, as he thinks that it belongs in his mouth. Yesterday, as I was holding him he threw himself back as I held on to him. He just stayed like that, enjoying this new view of the living room. Sometimes as I hold him and play with him I think about me as a baby. My mom and I talk this to death it seems like, but it is so fundamental to an adopted child's life. The whole question of how did we survive has been even more on my mind since having CJ. I look at him and know that he has total trust in me. He knows I will provide anything he needs. He doesn't know this on an intellectual level, but on a fundamental level. His trust and attachment to Chuck and I is forming the person he will become. All the kisses, hugs, feedings, sweet words and constant presence of Mama (me) has made for one happy baby. As you can see from all the pictures, he's always smiling and loves to be the pass-around baby. He has no fear that if he's handed to someone else, I'll be gone. Unlike babies who have no constant caregiver, he is only content with others for a time, and then he needs Mama, kind of like coming back to home base. Now, with us (my sibs and I), we had no home base. There was no abundance of kisses, hugs, sweet words and hardly a presence of a mother, and when she was around, she was drunk or high. I look at CJ, so needy, and wonder what we did. And I wonder how anyone could walk away from us, so needy and vulnerable, and not look back. We were just as cute, just as curious and just as fun. We wanted interaction and we wanted to know someone cared. But, instead, we had to figure it out on our own. For those who wonder where the grief comes from, it starts right there. The unfairness of it is overwhelming for a child, and for an adult. No, we cannot dwell on the unfairness of it, but understand that this is not like being passed up for a promotion or not getting the part in a school play even though you're the better pick, it's about not getting what you need on a fundamental level. That is something that burns into your soul and leaves a pretty nasty scar. We can overcome it, of course we can, but that doesn't mean that I won't think about it when I'm holding my son and making sure he never feels the despair I must have felt as a lonely, scared baby girl.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

New Year

It has been a busy couple of weeks, getting through Christmas and New Years and of course, the Sugar Bowl, which we unfortunately lost. Chuck, CJ and I spent New Years just how we wanted, as a family, watching TV on the sofa and reminiscing about the last year and how we could make 2006 better than 2005 (hard to top since our son was born!). The very next morning we went to church and heard one of the best sermons our Pastor has ever preached. It was right on and only confirmed what Chuck and I had decided in our hearts to be the most important things to focus on in 2006...Faith, Family, Fitness and Finances. Sometimes God just makes things very clear, and I believe that if we focus on these things then God will bless our family. I also spent New Years night praying and thanking God for all of the blessings I have in my life. I am so grateful to have a family who loves me. I pray that I never take that for granted because I know what it's like not to have that. I'm grateful for my husband. He is my rock and I know that God put him on earth to be my husband and the father on my children. His relationship with God inspires me to be a better person, as do his everyday actions. He has so much integrity and loves his family so deeply that it sometimes astounds me that God chose me to be his wife (although I do joke with Chuck that HE is the lucky one to haev gotten me to marry him..hahaha). I am so grateful for my son. Even though I felt fulfilled in my life before I was a mother, I can't for the life of me figure out what in the world could ever make one happier than being a mother. The love that I have for my son I cannot even put into words. I feel so blessed that God gave Chuck and I this precious gift...he is so beautiful and perfect to me. I could go on and on, but words are not enough. I know I already said I am grateful for my family, but I am really grateful for my Mom. She knows how much she means to me but I can never fully explain to her how she unlocked the person I am today by showing me unconditional love. All I can say, over and over again, is thank you. There are so many things I am grateful for. Of course, there are things that I still wonder about. There have been very hard times and I'm sure there are more to come. But for today, I choose to focus on the blessings God has given me. I have a great family, church, friends, home, etc. I am so grateful...