Pictures

My men eating breakfast before Daddy goes to work.

Jackson and CJ
CJ and Mama in Abuelita's garden
Alexander in the garden

Angry Little Girl

Cj helping me with laundry.
Audrey wrote a blog today that totally set me off. A birth mother has appealed her termination of parental rights, after promising she wouldn't because she knew it was best for her kids. Not only did my "eyes roll into cyberspace" but I had a moment of blind fury when I read it. It just makes me so angry that children's lives are subjected to such uncertainty and despair. No permanency, nobody to attach to, nobody to believe and no chance of getting a quick resolution so that they can begin a new life. Meanwhile, this birth mother goes about her life, with her attorney calling her every so often to inform her of the status of her case. She can continue to live her life, as she's been doing since she has not had the responsibility of her kids (others have taken that on) and her kids can continue to suffer, their future hanging in the balance because she once again chose herself and her own agenda over their wellbeing. Yes, this may sound a bit harsh. But I am not talking philosophically or theoretically, the little girl who sat in foster care and had to deal with a birth mother who continually lied and tried to manipulate the situation, has come out fighting this morning. It just is NOT FAIR. Why are kids treated like this? THEY ARE THE VICTIMS! Not the birth mother. Yes, I took all the social work classes, I know all about the cycles of poverty, abuse, etc. I know all about the social, economic and other stressors that can "cause" such situations. My answer? There are thousands of parents out there living in those situations who do not abuse, neglect or allow others to do to their children. So why do some and others don't? I think priorities play big into it. My birth mom simply chose drugs, alcohol and men over us. Many people with children get caught up in these evils, but when faced with losing their children they choose to make the kids their number one priority. They get clean, they work their caseplan, they get their kids back and regret that mistakes that caused them to lose precious time with their children. Others, like mine, and like this birth mother whose parental rights were terminated, do not. They expect others to do the work for them, and they expect to get what they want while continuing to drink, drug and put everything but their children first. Then they get on TV and complain that they were mistreated and not given enough chances. My answer...bullcrap. I know how hard it is to get parental rights terminated. It's darn near impossible most of the time. So don't give me a sob story when it happens, and please don't start to fight at the end when you've not given an ounce of effort when you had the chance. Yes, I am very angry about this subject. I do not want more Yolie's out there, having anxiety attacks at the age of eight because of the uncertainty of life. I do not want any more Yolie's out there, questioning if there really is a God at the age of ten, when my whole life seemed torn from front to back. I do not want more Yolie's out there, with tears streaming down my face as I realized that my own flesh and blood would rather her boyfriend be satisfied with her daughter than protect her. The children are the victims here...the children are the victims.

Genetics or something like that...

As we were skipping Sunday School and chatting in the hallway at church one of my favorite men in the whole world came up to my Mom and I and started talking. Pastor Terry commented in how gorgeous CJ was. This is the actual conversation.

PT: CJ is so adorable. I knew he would be. I told my daughter Chuck and Yolie would make beautiful babies, how could they not, look at them. (OK, I'm not putting this in to sound conceited, it's just how the conversation took place).
My Mother: Look at them?? This is all me! I take the credit for his great genes. Look at us, he has my eyes, those are my eyes, Terry, THOSE ARE MY EYES!
PT: Yes, Cindy, he has your eyes.

Um, okay Mom you must have not passed biology 101. Well, what should I expect? Remember when Isaac was born and Gina wanted to know if he looked like her? I guess when we have brother uncles and Aunt Tabby bossing around RayRay genetics get thrown out the window.

Yolie Thoughts

Chuck did this up a while ago. CJ was so small!
I was telling my mom the other day as she was telling me about my younger sister who FINALLY kissed her and was showing her affection my thoughts on the situation. Granted, I waited too long to write this blog, so she is back in the "hot seat" wait Mama, but that's how it goes around here. Anyway, I was explaining to my Mom that the timing of Vanessa's affection made perfect sense to me. You see, Vanessa has been watching Mom like a hawk for the past few weeks, seeing how she would react to all of the bad situations that have come about lately. In particular, she has been dissecting Mom's reaction to one of her birth brother's situations, which has been difficult on the whole family. Vanessa has seen Mom stick to her guns on every single issue that has come up, and she has seen her LOVE and be COMMITTED to her (our)sibling through a very difficult time. These actions have caused her to take notice and to maybe begin to trust that Mom is who she says she is and that she will NEVER abandon us or give up on us. I know this because the same thing happened with me. Because as a child with huge rejection issues, I did not believe that I deserved any better than what I had gotten, or that I would ever have the chance to have a real mother, I had a terrible time believing that my new adoptive mother would love me and take care of me. So, although I did not think it could happen for me, I was desperate for it to happen for my brothers, Joe and Daniel. When we were adopted, I made a choice in my mind to see what my new mom would do with Joe and Daniel. This would ultimately decide whether or not she would ever gain my trust and love, it's sad in a way, because as young as I was, I had already decided that I would give up having a loving relationship with this potential mother, as long as my brothers would be taken care of. What I didn't get, though, was that watching this woman love and commit to my brothers would in turn cause me to grow in love with her. Joe and Daniel were always my priority, and to see a Mother make them hers was amazing to me. She meant what she said and never floundered in her commitment to them and me. I don;t think my situation was unique. I think that many siblings, especially older siblings in adoptive situations, hold back their judgment of their new placement to see how the new parents deal with their siblings. If you have adopted siblings, you can see evidence of this when you discipline one of the younger siblings and the older one gets anxious, angry or sad. You can see it when you try to dole out love and affection when the younger one gets hurt and the older sib watches you like a hawk to make sure you are doing it right (or my my case, tries to direct you on what things make him/her feel better). There was no way I would ever trust or love this woman if she did not do right by my brothers. I am thankful every day that she did. At the same time, learning to trust and love her was hard. Until I became an adult I still dealt with the fear that one day she would just decide she was done with us. Yes, it was an irrational fear, as she has never given me one reason to doubt her, but you must understand that the fear of loving and losing is ever present when is has already almost crippled you once in your life. Perhaps this explains vanishes complete 180 just a few days after the big show of affection. She is now back to Viper Girl, hissing and glaring and spewing bitterness. Vulnerability sucks, and for her I'm sure that fear, whether conscious or not, is terribly scary for her right now. But, I know she will eventually come around, as she continues to watch Mom be there for her siblings she will transfer that love Mom has for her sibs to herself.

sleep shots

Chuck snapped theses as he was getting ready for work. Yes, I really am asleep. I'm also pretty brave to post them as I have no makeup on and bedhead, but I thought they were really sweet.

Happy Pictures

Ray Ray and Sarah at the school play.
CJ and Alexander having guy time
CJ laughing at me
CJ is supposed to be getting dressed.

Getting throught the valleys...

This picture was taken at midnight when CJ, although obviously tired, thought it a better idea to roughhouse with me and Chuck while wearing his book as a hat.
I've not been up to blogging latley. Mostly, I feel like putting down in words everything that's been going on lately would only serve to make it more real, which is not what I need right now. But, I know at some point I need to blog again, so I guess there's no time like right now. CJ is asleep so I'd better get to it. My mom and I have been talking alot about the fact that since Mama Daisy passed away our family has been dealt some extremely hard blows. I've felt overwhelmed at times by the punches we've had to endure. We've had deaths, hospitalizations, and imprisonments. The days just seem to bring more and more bad news, to the point that I'd rather not answer my cell phone sometimes. I've watched my Mom have to deal with all the blows and I've seen her and all the family having a hard time with it. I don't know a stronger person than my Mama, and when even she's had it with all the bad news you know it's been a rough ride. I know at times like this we should focus on the good stuff that has happened in our family. I look at CJ, Alyssa, RayRay, Alexander and Tommie (all the babies that are around on a daily basis) and I can't help but smile. We do have the cutest bunch of babies around and I guess being able to hold them and love on them is all we need to remember that God is in control and has a plan for our family. Just think, when I was in the midst of being put into foster care, when my life seemed to be destroyed, I would never have imagined the pure joy God would bring to me in the form of CJ. When Joe was sitting in the county jail nobody imagined that he would be the best daddy to Miss Alyssa, who has brought me more joy than ever. So, we must remember as a family that right now things seem bleak. But we do not know what God has in store for us. We must hold on to this. Now, this is as much a pep talk to myself as to anybody in the family. I constantly have to unload the heavy burden I feel and remember that God can handle it way better than I can, in fact, He has already handled it. He knows how everything will work out in the end, and our family will once again feel victorious. Yesterday in church the youth did a musical interpretation by acting out a scene where a teenager was struggling with the burdens of sin. They illustrated perfectly the demons that were swarming and fighting to keep their hold on the child. Then, God appeared and fought back for this soul. I couldn't help but think of our family, individually and as a whole, we are being attacked, and I was so glad for the reminder that God is fighting for us and that He will not stop until we are all freed from the demons trying to take hold. He is all powerful, and I am so grateful, because it has been painfully obvious in the last few months that we are not.