Deep Within

I am hesitating in writing this blog entry, one because it is deeply personal and two because it forces me to look deep within myself, which can be a pretty scary thing for anybody. I choose to write it, and subsequently share it, in the hopes that adoptive parents reading it might get a glimpse into the innermost fears/thoughts of someone who has lost so much at such a tender, young age. So, here I go.

In the past few days I have been forced to delve deep into my own psyche, digging up some feelings that even I thought were healed or at the very least not so raw. What I have discovered is that I still have lots of emotional healing to pray for, lots of scars that need the touch of God and fears that I pray will go away. I am almost a thirty year old woman. I have two kids and a husband who is flat out incredible. I live down the same dirt road I grew up on (once I was adopted), with a dog I love and surrounded by family. I thought I had it all figured out. I teach prospective adoptive parent classes, for goodness sake. And yet, I still feel that it could all go away at any point. I still carry with me the fear that it's all a big mistake, I really didn't deserve all this. After all, if God wanted me to be loved, happy and successful, He would have birthed me into a family who would have loved me, made me happy and cared if I succeeded. Now, let me say that LOGICALLY I get it. Every part of my brain screams that I did not deserve what happened to me and that God placed me in an adoptive home where I was nurtured and loved. I can counsel kids feeling this way and tell them all the things they need to hear. I can recite the books for you. What I can't do is deny that the feelings still exist somewhere deep within me. Deep inside, I have found a feeling of not belonging. I realize that even though I trust my husband or mama or best friend I have always maintained a deep fear that they will leave me. Even more scary is that I realize that I have somewhat prepared myself for it. I have this theory that if or when it all comes to an end, at least I wasn't fooled. And while it will hurt, at least I knew it was coming and therefore I did not give myself completely over. You see, if I surrender totally to their love of me then when it's gone there will be nothing left of me. And I have lost it all before (bio family) and I can never let that happen again. While I cannot control what they do, I can control my heart and try to protect myself from the eventual pain. Now, before you all start sending me to the mental hospital, please understand that I do not go through life an emotional cripple. I love my kids with all my heart, I love my husband and mother with all my heart has to offer. These are feelings I am willing to bet all adopted children (and foster kids) have, even into adulthood. That is the only reason I am sharing them now. I want parents and professionals and even those in my shoes to get it. To see that the work must continue well into adulthood. At the same time, I think that perhaps i can give hope to someone out there. While I deal with these issues and seek God's healing, I am still the mother to my kids. I am still my husband's wife and my mother's daughter. I still teach the four year old class at church, still maintain my household and my professional work. I am still capable of love and attachment. I simply have a set of issues that I must work on. They do not control me and I am speaking them out of my life. It may take a while, but I will totally surrender to the people that love me. I am coming to realize that they may not leave me. And you know what, if they do, at least I will know that I loved with ALL my heart and gave them all I had. I do not want to live with regret, wondering if I could have given more. I will not let the actions of my birth mother interfere with or control my reactions to those who chose to love me even when they didn't have to. I am not saying this will be easy. I have been confronted with feelings I truly thought were gone. But I will win this war. I will continue to fight it until I am whole, because I am worth it. Because my children are worth it. Because my mother is worth it. Because my sweet husband is worth it.

Wow, it's been a year!

My babies
Our new house
Me and Mae
My pretty baby girl, Mae
CJ's almost four now!

I can't believe it's been over a year since the last time I blogged.  So much has changed in the past year.  As I read the last post I put up, I was reminded of the feelings I felt leaving my old house and moving into my new one.  Little did I know that the next year would bring even bigger and scarier changes.  First off, we did finally get into our beautiful new home.  Chuck did such a fantastic job of building the perfect home for us.  We moved in in November and in January Chuck was laid off.  It began one of the scariest times we've had as a young family.  As of right now, we are still not totally stable, but God is good and He is our ultimate resource.  Chuck is working hard to grow his own business and we have had a good amount of work come our way on that front. I am still home with the kids, something I am even more grateful for in the midst of this difficult time, although I have picked up some work that allows me to stay home.  I'm now teaching the 4 year old class at church and am doing contract work for my old adoption agency (teaching pre-adoption trainings and such).  It's actually nice to be back in the adoption world (as if I ever left).  

I appreciate all the comments that were left on my last post. I seemed to have hit a pretty good topic, one that many adoptive parents seem to want to know more about.  As I re-read it, it hit me that one year later I am a little more confident in who I am.  I have maintained a slow and steady relationship with an older birth sister, where I am very careful with boundaries and with my own feelings.  Since she still has a relationship with my birth mother (something I have no desire to do), I am reluctant to allow myself to get too close.  It's sad, really.  She is the one person who I know loved me when I was little.  Her battle scars are much thicker than mine, as she is still a target for our birth mother and as she puts is "you (meaning me, yolie) were lucky, you got another mom...this one's the only  one I got."  I find myself not so angry at my birth mother anymore, just awed by the tragedy that she has created in so many people's lives.  It's just not fair that so many people lost so much because of the choices of one person.  Please, spare me the generational cycle lecture, believe me, I get that.  But, studying that in a college course does not begin to touch the very real damage that a person can do.  Someone has to make a choice to stop it.  There are mothers who have been abused and neglected who choose to not repeat that cycle.  You can't tell a child who's been through hell that her mama couldn't help it.  Sorry, it just doesn't work for me.  Wow, I guess I am still a little angry...

So, I'm not sure who I'm writing this blog for.  I guess it's just the babblings of someone who thinks she's got something to say.  It may or may not be helpful to anyone.  I don't know...

I am going to try to start blogging again.  If you have any questions or suggestions of topics you'd like me to blog about, please let me know.  Not much is too personal, I'm pretty much an open book.  I'd just really like to help people with questions about adoption.  Good to be back...