Disposable

I do not speak for all adopted persons. There are so many different situations a child may go through that result in their being adopted into a family not biologically theirs. I say this to say that my feelings/emotions/world views are not necessarily those of all adopted children. Today I am writing about being disposable. I believe this to be a fundamental piece in the psyche of many adopted kids. It's the feeling that no matter how good it seems to be, how close you are to your new mother, how entrechened you seem to be, you are just a tree with very shallow roots. At any point, whether you are five, fifteen or twenty five, you could be disposed of. You see, I was "disposed" of as a young child. And if my big brown eyes begging for love and care weren't enough to warrant love and care, if they did not protect me from being disposed of, then nothing I posess now can save me from the eventuality of being tossed aside, deemed unessasary and perhaps maybe even a mistake.

These are the thoughts that subconsciously run through my head. I do not live my life according to them. I try to form very real, very deep relationships in spite of the fact that I am scared of the outcome. But still, the feelings and thoughts are there. How I wish with all my heart that they were not. How I wish that I had been born into the family I'm now a part of. I ask God "why not?" Why not save me the hellish years of my childhood if I was eventually going to be a part of this loving family?

Sometimes I think that when it's all said and done, I will have been a phase in my family's life. Something they did once, out of compassion. A temporary time in my mother's life. These are harsh things to say. Much harsher things to feel. I fight with these innermost thoughts, trying desperately to kill them and be "normal." Again, I say all this to help people understand. I feel both privelaged and mandated to write these words. As if so many children in the same situation have no voice, and I should speak up. I do not wish to be the face of adoption, the one that speaks for all of us. I only hope to reach a parent at their wits end trying to figure out their adopted child. Or a child wondering if they are crazy, or another adult adoptee, who perhaps has never been able to put to words the feelings we feel. I know we can be successful. We can love our children, be good parents and good spouses. We can love God and even love ourselves to the best of our ability. What we cannot do is pretend these feelings don't exist. That gives them power, for when we least expect it they will flood our head with negativity and power they do not deserve. My prayer is that as I so publicy speak these thoughts and feelings, I will continue to win my battle with them. I am taking their power away. It is not until you recognize a problem that you can begin to fix it. I am fixing myself. With God's help, I am going to beat these thoughts. I just know it.

Now I must go cook dinner for my husband and two kids (a great joy to me).

Deep Within

I am hesitating in writing this blog entry, one because it is deeply personal and two because it forces me to look deep within myself, which can be a pretty scary thing for anybody. I choose to write it, and subsequently share it, in the hopes that adoptive parents reading it might get a glimpse into the innermost fears/thoughts of someone who has lost so much at such a tender, young age. So, here I go.

In the past few days I have been forced to delve deep into my own psyche, digging up some feelings that even I thought were healed or at the very least not so raw. What I have discovered is that I still have lots of emotional healing to pray for, lots of scars that need the touch of God and fears that I pray will go away. I am almost a thirty year old woman. I have two kids and a husband who is flat out incredible. I live down the same dirt road I grew up on (once I was adopted), with a dog I love and surrounded by family. I thought I had it all figured out. I teach prospective adoptive parent classes, for goodness sake. And yet, I still feel that it could all go away at any point. I still carry with me the fear that it's all a big mistake, I really didn't deserve all this. After all, if God wanted me to be loved, happy and successful, He would have birthed me into a family who would have loved me, made me happy and cared if I succeeded. Now, let me say that LOGICALLY I get it. Every part of my brain screams that I did not deserve what happened to me and that God placed me in an adoptive home where I was nurtured and loved. I can counsel kids feeling this way and tell them all the things they need to hear. I can recite the books for you. What I can't do is deny that the feelings still exist somewhere deep within me. Deep inside, I have found a feeling of not belonging. I realize that even though I trust my husband or mama or best friend I have always maintained a deep fear that they will leave me. Even more scary is that I realize that I have somewhat prepared myself for it. I have this theory that if or when it all comes to an end, at least I wasn't fooled. And while it will hurt, at least I knew it was coming and therefore I did not give myself completely over. You see, if I surrender totally to their love of me then when it's gone there will be nothing left of me. And I have lost it all before (bio family) and I can never let that happen again. While I cannot control what they do, I can control my heart and try to protect myself from the eventual pain. Now, before you all start sending me to the mental hospital, please understand that I do not go through life an emotional cripple. I love my kids with all my heart, I love my husband and mother with all my heart has to offer. These are feelings I am willing to bet all adopted children (and foster kids) have, even into adulthood. That is the only reason I am sharing them now. I want parents and professionals and even those in my shoes to get it. To see that the work must continue well into adulthood. At the same time, I think that perhaps i can give hope to someone out there. While I deal with these issues and seek God's healing, I am still the mother to my kids. I am still my husband's wife and my mother's daughter. I still teach the four year old class at church, still maintain my household and my professional work. I am still capable of love and attachment. I simply have a set of issues that I must work on. They do not control me and I am speaking them out of my life. It may take a while, but I will totally surrender to the people that love me. I am coming to realize that they may not leave me. And you know what, if they do, at least I will know that I loved with ALL my heart and gave them all I had. I do not want to live with regret, wondering if I could have given more. I will not let the actions of my birth mother interfere with or control my reactions to those who chose to love me even when they didn't have to. I am not saying this will be easy. I have been confronted with feelings I truly thought were gone. But I will win this war. I will continue to fight it until I am whole, because I am worth it. Because my children are worth it. Because my mother is worth it. Because my sweet husband is worth it.

Wow, it's been a year!

My babies
Our new house
Me and Mae
My pretty baby girl, Mae
CJ's almost four now!

I can't believe it's been over a year since the last time I blogged.  So much has changed in the past year.  As I read the last post I put up, I was reminded of the feelings I felt leaving my old house and moving into my new one.  Little did I know that the next year would bring even bigger and scarier changes.  First off, we did finally get into our beautiful new home.  Chuck did such a fantastic job of building the perfect home for us.  We moved in in November and in January Chuck was laid off.  It began one of the scariest times we've had as a young family.  As of right now, we are still not totally stable, but God is good and He is our ultimate resource.  Chuck is working hard to grow his own business and we have had a good amount of work come our way on that front. I am still home with the kids, something I am even more grateful for in the midst of this difficult time, although I have picked up some work that allows me to stay home.  I'm now teaching the 4 year old class at church and am doing contract work for my old adoption agency (teaching pre-adoption trainings and such).  It's actually nice to be back in the adoption world (as if I ever left).  

I appreciate all the comments that were left on my last post. I seemed to have hit a pretty good topic, one that many adoptive parents seem to want to know more about.  As I re-read it, it hit me that one year later I am a little more confident in who I am.  I have maintained a slow and steady relationship with an older birth sister, where I am very careful with boundaries and with my own feelings.  Since she still has a relationship with my birth mother (something I have no desire to do), I am reluctant to allow myself to get too close.  It's sad, really.  She is the one person who I know loved me when I was little.  Her battle scars are much thicker than mine, as she is still a target for our birth mother and as she puts is "you (meaning me, yolie) were lucky, you got another mom...this one's the only  one I got."  I find myself not so angry at my birth mother anymore, just awed by the tragedy that she has created in so many people's lives.  It's just not fair that so many people lost so much because of the choices of one person.  Please, spare me the generational cycle lecture, believe me, I get that.  But, studying that in a college course does not begin to touch the very real damage that a person can do.  Someone has to make a choice to stop it.  There are mothers who have been abused and neglected who choose to not repeat that cycle.  You can't tell a child who's been through hell that her mama couldn't help it.  Sorry, it just doesn't work for me.  Wow, I guess I am still a little angry...

So, I'm not sure who I'm writing this blog for.  I guess it's just the babblings of someone who thinks she's got something to say.  It may or may not be helpful to anyone.  I don't know...

I am going to try to start blogging again.  If you have any questions or suggestions of topics you'd like me to blog about, please let me know.  Not much is too personal, I'm pretty much an open book.  I'd just really like to help people with questions about adoption.  Good to be back...

It never goes away.

CJ dancing
Too much lovin'
"We're not doing anything"

Too cute
So sweet
Pretty girl
Mommy's princess

The magic question in the minds of many adoptive parents is "will it ever go away, can I love the pain away and get my child to the point where they are no longer affected by the past?" The answer, a simple NO. Now, this is not to say that all is doomed. In fact, I believe that I have come to a point in my life where happiness abounds. I have a great husband, two amazing children that I get to stay home with, we are in the process of building our new home, and God is central in our lives. I feel so blessed and thankful. And yet, I have been dealing with some very difficult emotional things lately. I finally talked it out with my Mom and came to the realization that in the midst of all the amazing things going on in my life, they all still represent change and change is scary for all adopted children. Notice I say children here. Regardless of the fact that I am almost 28 years old, when it comes to change in my life, I see myself as that terrified child surrounded by police while my birth mom has overdosed and a social worker must take me into an emergency placement, AWAY from my brothers. I see myself as that scared little girl who is being forced to leave the only woman who had taken care of her and her brothers, because a stranger in another state wanted them. I become the eleven yeard old girl in a new state with a new mother and no idea how long this would last. I revert back to that little girl so fast it could make your head spin. Now, theoretically I know that I am not that little girl. I know that I can and will handle change with strengh and support from many. The thing that bothers me is that even when it is a good change, like building our new home on our land, the very thought of being "rootless" for even a minute sends me into weirded out mode. I'm not talking about losing it here, just memories coming back, a little touch of sadness here and there and an overall sense of loss that I seem to be stuck in right now. I am so happy about our new house and the exciting things going on with us right now. At the same time, I find myself holding my ten month old daughter and feeling an sense of sadness, knowing that I was once that little and helpless , and had no mother to hold me or comfort me. I think that the fact that my daughter looks at me with MY eyes (people say she's my twin) makes it all the more real to me. I was telling my Mom that that little girl feels like a lifetime ago, and yet she can come back to me at any time, with vivid memories of abuse and neglect that can rip off my once healing scabs. So, no it never goes away. Some of us adopted kids can and do live with it all tucked away and lead very successful, happy lives. Others, unfortunately cannot move past it. I do not have an answer for who makes it and who doesn't. I do know that in both categories live adults who, with a smell or touch or familiar song, can revert back to scared kids in need of someone to tell them it will all be alright.

Happy Birthday, Mama!

CJ!!

Baby Cindy Mae
Mr. Incredible
CW & Cindy Mae

Aunt Marcela and Little Cindy
Too cute...

Since my Mom prefers (demands) that her children ignore her birthday and not buy her any presents or make a big deal of it, I have been stumped as to what to do for her. Truly, it seems wrong not to shout to the world that the best Mother in the world was born yesterday, some 53 years ago. I've pretty much bucked her on her "no presents, etc" deal every year, except this one. The truth is that with two young kids I couldn't have run out and bought her a gift if I wanted to. So, what do you do for someone who saved your life? She adopted me when I was eleven, along with my two younger brothers. She took me out of foster care and gave me the life I needed. Because of her choice to follow God's will for her life, I was brought from Texas to Georgia where my whole life changed. I would not have met my husband, therefore I would not have had my two amazing kids. Again, how do you thank someone enough for that? I guess you can't. I can think of nothing that would repay her for the sacrifice she made to be my Mom. As I type, I am amazed at how similar a Mother's love and God's love are. Although they give their all, there is no way to repay them, only loving them and trying to make them proud can show them a glimmer of the immense gratefulness I have. So, Mama, please know that I love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday (yesterday) and my prayer is that you will one day understand the deep and everlasting love I will always have for you.

Cindy Mae

CJ and Cousin Alyssa enjoying some time in the baby pool

"This is MY cake, thank you very much!"

CJ & Cindy Mae's Mama
Pretty Alyssa

CJ and Daddy
Daddy's so cool...

too cute

Cindy Mae getting ready for church

As I have uploaded these pictures CJ has put some of my eyeliner on, accidentally/on purpose spilled water in the bedroom (he likes to yell "Look Mommy, MESS!"), proceeded to sit right in the middle of the water puddle and totally ruined my chapstick. This is why I only upload pictures and have not had time to actually write anything interesting in such a long time...maybe someday. (Sweet Cindy Mae is sleeping soundly in her swing).

New Pictures

What you looking at???

CJ kissing his baby sister

Cynthia Mae at the hospital

CJ - I can't get over how much Cindy Mae looks like CJ when he was little
CJ on Memorial Day

Cynthia Mae

Miraculously, both CJ and Cindy Mae are asleep right now, so I wanted to take a minute to share some photos and say how absolutely blessed I am to have two beautiful, healthy kids. Motherhood has fulfilled me to the max and I thank God for my babies! Right now, I have very little time to do anything other than change diapers, nurse and hold my kids, and to tell you the truth, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing.