In loving memory of Zeus

Last night we had the worst lightning storm I've ever seen. My beautiful dog Zeus was sadly not saved in time, and we lost him. Words are so inadequate right now to express the hurt and sadness Chuck and I are feeling. Zeus was our first dog together. We loved him so much. Chuck had taught him how to sit, lay, come, stay and shake your hand. He was a huge dog...he couldn't even walk ubder our kitchen table. He had the most beautiful white coat and stunning black eyes, almost like two pieces of coal. He was majestic, like all Great Pyrenees. He loved us too. Even though he was easily over a hundred pounds, his favorite spot was right between Chuck and I on the sofa. He was never content unless both Chuck and I were in the same room, sitting down with him. He was the sweetest, gentlest giant I've ever known. He was only two and a half years old. I am so sad that cj will never know Zeus...Chuck and I always loved to picture him riding Zeus like a horse, laughing and loving him as much as we did. I do not understand why this happened, but I do thank God that we were blessed to have such a wonderful dog for at least a little while. He now rests behind his doghouse, which Chuck spent countless hours building (it was so big I could stand up in it, and it even had shingles on the roof and insulation like a real house). I already miss him dearly. I had to get something out of the garage this morning, and his food and water bowl, along with all his dog bones are just sitting there. It doesn't seem right to me...

way too early to blog

It's six forty in the morning, and i've pretty much been up with my three week old son since four am. so, what better to do than listen to his sweet grunts while i type? i really thought we were doing good when he ate at one am and then slept until four. naively, i thought he'd eat again at four and sleep until at least six or seven. what was i thinking? since four he has eaten three times and is just now falling asleep to the sound of me typiing (as he is slung over my shoulder). he also just giggled in his sleep, which makes me think he knows waht i'm typing! i was laughing at myself yesterday, because i really thought that since i had helped raise so many babies, i'd be so much better prepared for my own. in all my intellgence (hahaha), i managed to forget one simple fact... HELP is the operative word in that sentence. Helping to rasie a baby means you can take time off whenever you want. When it's your baby, it's a whole 'nother ballgame. Don't get me wrong, i am absolutely head over heals in love with my son. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am, though, feeling like a walkign zombie...with breasts.

Mama

mama with alyssa and scotty
mama with cj
Today is my mama's birthday and I just wanted to let the world know what an amazing woman she is. I am so proud to be her daughter, and I am even prouder that she is my son's abuelita! Unlilke most people, I can remember the first time I met my mom. I was eleven years old, eyeing this woman who was "taking us" from everything we ever knew. She came to visit us in our foster home (Joe, Daniel and I) and we were having a party. She also took us to a park and a McDonalds. The entire time she was there all I could think of was "I do not want to live with this woman. What does she know about my life and how coul dshe possible try to be my mother, much less my brothers' mom?" Thinking back, I wonder how scary it must also have been for her to be meeting three strangers, who she was committing to love and take care of, without knowing what she was getting into. Now that I have worked in special needs adoption, and have facilitated those "first meetings" between adoptive parents and kids, I've been able to see how the parents are nervous, scared and hoping not to be rejected...just like the kids. Anyway, it took me some time to get used to my new mom. Really, it took her proving to me that she could and would love and take care of Joe and Daniel before I allowed myself to even begin thinking about opening up my wounded heart to her. Eventually, she proved herself beyond a shadow of a doubt. I cannot tell you the exact moment that it happened, but over time I fell in love with my mother. She has become so much to me...a friend, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent to, a word a encouragment when I need it the most, a word of discipline when I need it, a role model for motherhood, a beacon of love and strength and most of all the best mom in the world. I cannot imagine my life without my mom...I wouldn't even want to. Her unconditional love continues to amaze me. I think the highest compliment I can give her is that I often forget she did not birth me...that's how connected I feel to her. I love you mom...happy birthday.

pictures

my sister gina & cj


my mama and cj
cj - 2 minutes old

daddy chuck with huge smile!
me and cj sleeping
cj - 2 days old
cj

cj

my son is fifteen days old today. as i type with one hand (because he is slung over my other shoulder) i can't help but be amazed at the miracle that he is. yes, it has been hard! the first week felt like a whirlwind of excitement, exhaustion, awe and pain (the stitches...ouch!). i am just now starting to feel somewhat human again, but i must say that every time i look at cj, which happens to be every minute, i am utterly in love. he is so perfect. from his crinckled up ears to the way he grunts the entire time he nurses, he is perfect. at three this morning, as he got me up yet again to eat, i stared at him and thought about how blessed i am to have him. i cannot begin to explain how "full-circle" so many of my emotions have come. things i thought i "got" have become so much more clear now that i am a mama. cj's birth has already taught me so much. i look at him and fully, fully understand that children bear absolutely no responsibility in the choices their parents make. cj could be as perfect as he is, and if i chose not to make him my priority, it would not be a reflection on him. his birth has also brought me to a point where i cannot bear the thought of all the kids without a family. he is so helpless, so needy and so vulnerable. he needs me, as all kids need their parents. and yet, we have come to a place in our society where kids are thrown away and left to fend for themselves. it makes even less sense to me now that i am a mom. anyway, i know i am all over the place (i'll blame it on sleep deprivation), but i really have so much going through my head and heart. i'll end this blog with once again sayong just how perfect my child is. i can do that because it's my blog!